~Motivational Monday~ Found me some...

So I've tried to always do a post on Monday with some motivation attached.  Lately I've slacked on that.  I would like to say I'm just too busy... but as we all know - you are only too busy for things you don't MAKE time for... so today I'm making time!

Just for a little motivation for myself - I scanned back through some of my motivational posts... and I found some for me too!  So I'm REsharing it with you today.
*some editing has been done*

~Warning ~  You might be offended. ~

I struggled with getting started today..... because I swear your mood can be soooo affected by your perspective on the day.  I struggled today.  Monday.  Rainy.  MONDAY.  There is alot going on right now.  at work... in life... at home... everywhere!  So yes - I struggled to get motivated today and I definitely struggled with finding some motivation to share today.
Then I came across this...
And it's not only motivation to be thankful... but also motivation to evaluate my life and where it's going.  To evaluate what is important and what is not.
It motivated me to get back where I need to be and stand up for what's right.

I am a FIRM believer that sometimes - you just have to stop trying so hard and just listen and wait.  So that I did today.  I relaxed and waited ......and suddenly it came to me why I was soooo off kilter lately.  Do you ever feel like you are going nowhere..just peddling your wheels in place???  Do you ever feel like you are so consumed with everyone else's faults that you fail to take care of your own?  And I don't mean just faults, but maybe - for me anyway - by nature, I'm a helper... I love to listen and talk and help... and I get so caught up in others' issues and what I can do help them, that I forget to give myself a direction....Do you ever feel like you are just riding the fence through life?

I came across this quote {{again}} today - totally randomly {{yeah right - Thank you Lord!}}

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything."

As I read it....I realized......I don't ever STAND when it comes to me.  I can give everyone else advice and voice my opinion, but when it comes to ME - I sit on the fence and wait to see what everyone else is going to do..I wonder how my decisions will affect everyone else...and I worry and sit.  Unchanged.  Unmoving.  I just sit.
This is not true in EVERY aspect of my life, but it is true in some pretty big places.  There are certain things I believe in and I will tell you and don't care WHO I offend.  BUT when it comes to ME and the things I need to fix about ME - I will simply tell you I'm not sure how I feel about that issue, I will make excuses, I will justify......and then I just sit on it.
There are soooo many GOOD things happening in my life right now...and yes I'm thankful.  Make no mistake about that.  I will tell you a million times how thankful I am and how blessed I am.  But sitting around being thankful and doing NOTHING with it - has made me....well... sad.  Stagnant.  Guilty.  and just plain disappointed in me.  And I don't like where I am.
Why?
Well - I'll tell you  {{if you are offended by religious beliefs - HERE is where you might want to exit because I won't apologize for my beliefs}}
I believe that God blesses us with gifts.  Some that are tangible gifts & rewards and some that are meant to be USED to give back to him.  In other words, I believe that along with gifts, God also ASKS things of us.  And I believe that he will only ask so many times before he will stop asking.  I KNOW.  I have BEEN at that point in my life.
I have walked SOOOOO far away from God that I didn't hear his voice anymore.  And trust me, that's a lonely place to be.  I'm NOT saying that God EVER turned his back on me.... he was ALWAYS there, all I had to do was take his hand...and just listen.   I chose not to.  I walked away.  He NEVER turned his back on me... and I could tell you for DAYS how he took care of me and my son...even when I turned my back on him...
But the gifts he gave me were fruitless at that point in my life.

I know what these gifts are.  I know how they can be used.  I know how they glorify Him  &  I know what is asked of me every day.
My problem is picking a side of the fence, standing for something no matter WHO it offends or hurts along the way.... I KNOW right from wrong.  I also KNOW the GOOD that comes from taking his hand and trusting that doing HIS will may just offend a few people - but in the long run - the example that YOU are for all the other people far outweighs the ones you offend.  (and I'll share a little secret with ya... the ones that you offend, are often under conviction about that very thing you have offended them with... just sayin...)

A few months ago - I listened to a sermon that referenced a prayer that was prayed in Kansas in the opening session of the House.  I'm sharing it with you today.  And I'm sharing it EXACTLY as it was written.  Joe Wright, the pastor of Central Christian Church in Wichita was the guest chaplain that day. He prayed a prayer of repentance that was written by Bob Russell, pastor of Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky.  The prayer stirred up PLENTY of controversy, but I can't help but wonder, how many people it touched.  No one ever bothers to point out those results from something controversial.

{It brings me to tears still today when I read it.... it is SO many things wrong with our country and our lifestyles today.  WHY no one can SEE that and do something about ANY of the issues addressed in this prayer I will NEVER understand!!}

Heavenly Father,

We come before You today to ask Your Forgiveness and seek Your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, ''Woe to those who call evil good,'' but that's exactly what we have done. We have lost our Spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values. We confess that; we have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it pluralism; We have worshipped other gods and called it multiculturalism; We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle; We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery; We have neglected the needy and called it self preservation; We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare; We have killed our unborn and called it choice; We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable; We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem; We have abused power and called it political savvy; We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition; We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression; We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, O God, and know our hearts today; try us and see if there be some wicked way in us; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent here by the people of this state and who have been ordained by You, to govern this great state of Kansas. Grant them your wisdom to rule and may their decisions direct us to the center of Your Will.

I ask in in the name of your Son, The Living Savior, Jesus Christ

I'm not asking you to AGREE with everything that was prayed that day.  {Although I DO!} I am simply pointing out that sometimes, we have to stand for what we believe in.  Pick a side of the fence and tell people what God lays on your heart... and then - you know what?!  CONTINUE to stand for what you believe.

My motivational message to you today is simply this:

If there are things in your life that you don't agree with or you don't like - get rid of them.  If you are living in a way that doesn't glorify YOUR God and your beliefs, leave those habits by the wayside.  If there are things you aren't doing because your scared of who you might offend or your scared of falling on your face... trust in God and just do it.  God will never let anything done in His Name go in vain.  You never know who is watching and what a difference one decision in your life could make to someone else.
Stand for something.
I'm making changes today.

Don't live your life in FEAR!

I have no fear

I KNOW no fear

I don't know how to be afraid.

I don't WANT to be afraid.

I don't know if it's because I'm naive (a little..)
or because I have been through so much already that nothing scares me anymore! (probably....)
OR because my Faith in God is bigger than ANY fear here on Earth!!!  (yes!)

After my most recent sky dive, someone asked me if I had any fear??  If there is ANYTHING that scares me???
....and it made me think.

I jumped from a plane - TWICE!
I have a weird "fear" of drowning - but I went snorkeling and loved it!
so....
No - no I really don't
(ok - wait - other than public speaking..... which is rather ironic since my degree has an emphasis in communication, so really... conquered that too!  kind of.....)

NO - I've never been held at gunpoint.  NO - I've never been beaten to a pulp.
NO - I've never experienced anything horrifying out of my control.
And in those cases.... I'm sure I would be scared.  More of the pain I think than fear for my life.

But as a general rule, I try to live life to the fullest.  Not thinking about what horrible horrible things could "potentially" happen.  I see the bright side.  I try to live and have fun and make the best out of what little time we are given here.
And be adventurous!

But I'm a mom - I should fear for my son....right??
But I don't.
I worry and pray.... and pray.... and pray....
but I don't FEAR in the way that I consider it to be a "fear"

It's not that I DON'T want to fear for my son.... but I guess I know the world can be cruel and tough, but I know that God instills into us all a faith and a resilience to know that he is bigger than anything else.   I've taught my son that.  And I hope I have instilled within my son a confidence of knowing that he has a mother and a family that will be behind him.   We love and support him - and knowing that he knows that, gives me a peace greater than any fear I could have for him.
So no - I don't FEAR for him..... I root him on.  I encourage him.  I fight for him.  I teach him right from wrong.  I teach him to treat others as you would want to be treated.
I worry when he drives.  I worry about his future.
And I pray.... A LOT.
But I don't fear - I trust that he is in God's hands.
And I know when he makes mistakes, they are to LEARN from - and GROW from.... not to be afraid and lay down and die and DEFINITELY not to turn around and make the same mistakes over and over again...
I teach him to be strong.
not fear!

As for me......
I live my life one day at a time.
I believe that God puts me where he puts me for a reason.
I believe he puts people into my life and takes them out of my life for a reason.
I believe that he has a plan for me.
I get up every day and do the best I can...

and if I jump from a plane... it's for fun.
Sure it's a bit scary when you back away and think too much about it.
So don't think about it.

But just the same as getting in a car every day....
just the same as taking a breath every day....
God has his hand on me.  And if he's ready for me to come home - I'll go home.   Out of plane, or asleep in my bed, or in a car accident on the Interstate.
He will take me no matter where I am
No matter what my plans.
And he will use it - to his Glory.

So no - I have no fear.
I believe just about anything is possible as long as God has his hand in it  :))

That gives me PEACE beyond all fear!

PS - I squatted my own body weight last night!!!  How many people (girls) do you know that can do THAT?!!
NO FEAR!!!!   hee hee

J -O -B !!!

My word for the day...
...along with a big big wake up call!

And not how you might think
So many people, what with the upcoming election and all, are talking talking talking about jobs, and the economy and the election on and on and on.....

Don't get me wrong, that is important - but I have something MORE important to talk about today.

J - O - B   JOB in a word.
PASSION in a feeling.
Mine - in particular.
(and in turn - yours too!)

I am an Ultrasound Technologist.

I have been a waitress, a bank teller, an admin assistant, a sales associate, a bartender....
In a nutshell  -I have always had a job!  A "show up, do your job, go through the motions, go home and pay your bills" kind of JOB.  No real passion
For anyone following my blog, you will remember that only a few short years ago - I left my full time job at the time, to go back to attend full time Ultrasound school!  This was a huge decision.  And a life altering one no matter what the turn out from school might be.
But nonetheless, I felt that I was in a position at my current job of going nowhere and my passion was lying somewhere else.  {it HAD to be!!}

As I went through school,   I - as does everyone else   - thought
"OOOOHHHHHHH babies!!!  I'm gonna ultrasound BABIES!!!  I'm gonna show people their babies and smile and oooohhh and ahhhhhhh!!!"

And I do!!!    But.....

Even after I learned QUICKLY that was not ALL I was gonna do....

Even after I learned there are OTHER things we look at....

Even after I learned (shortly after working) that there would be happy oooohhh ahhhhh days - and definitely NOT so happy, cry days....

Even after all of that
I vowed to NEVER be cold and heartless
to NEVER be that tech that doesn't shed a tear and turns a shoulder at sad news.
I vowed that EVEN when looking and scanning and "showing pictures" became so routine that I could do it in my sleep ( for anyone that does ultrasound - you KNOW that should never happen!)  even then - I vow to be PASSIONATE about what I do.

And for the most part - that is still true!

Now - don't get me wrong.... for those of you that work in health care - you know there are some crazies out there.  Heck - for those of you that leave your house EVER, you KNOW there are some crazies out there!!!!

But my favorite (shhhhhhh) moments are when I'm doing a boring arterial and I'm describing what I'm about to do to the patient and she smiles and looks up and says "You love your job don't you??  I can tell!!"   Yeah - I'm that bubbly on your nerves tech that you wanna smack when your having a bad day....
BUT I'm also that "love my job and will hold your hand and cry with you" tech when your having a sad day.

Sometimes I'm afraid I lose that.  Some days I feel cold and heartless
And then I read a story like the one I'm about to share with you.
And it REJUVENATES my passion for what I do working in healthcare.   It rejuvenates my faith in doctors and nurses and ultrasound techs and everyone involved in a person's healthcare needs.

It REJUVENATES my passion and keeps me strong
and it makes me keep my heart and it LET'S me cry with the mommy that gets bad news.... and also cry with the mommy who gets good news.

Some days are fun and some days are not.
What we have to remember is - the patient is just that - a patient.  A PERSON.  And they have a story too.  And the cold bitter shoulder - or the warm tender compassion you show them can make all the difference.

I am blessed to have a job that I truly LOVE.
I am blessed to have the interaction with people that I have EVERY day.  (crazy and all!!)

I believe I am where I am for a reason......
God placed that passion in my heart and God put me where he could use that passion to glorify him.  I believe that.

Please read the link I have posted below.
What a tragic sad story with such an uplifting, passionate and GOD GLORIFYING family.  Grab your Kleenex, you will need it.
And when you're done reading - say a prayer for that family - and then THANK GOD for all the blessings that he has given you.
and for those sad days.... Thank him for those too - because they can somehow be used for blessings.

It is Well with my Soul

My favorite quote from this particular blog -

"I am convinced His ways are not our ways. They are far better."

 

Linking up with SHELL!!!!!!!!

Hold on to FAITH...

What about the days when the best you can do is scrounge change from the couch cushions to buy your baby boy a 40 cent canned coke from a coke machine that you have to walk down the street to get to?

What about when you get in your car to head to work and the gauge is on E... and you pray the whole way that you make it... cause you literally don't have $1 for gas??  and then you pray for at least $10 in tips that day so you can get home?

What about the day you go in for work and are told you no longer have a job because the place is closing down??

What about the day you finally sit down and collapse realizing your life has become a joke.. Everything you had hoped and dreamed of is nothing but a puff a smoke blown away?

What about the day you have to take a cab to work.... but first you have to take the cab to daycare to drop off your child... because you no longer have a vehicle??

What about when you sit down to pay out your bills and you realize - your income vs your outflow just doesn't add up?

How about realizing your almost half way through life, you hate your job, you're alone... and basically heading no where... THIS is what your life has become??

What about ALL those nights you have cried yourself to sleep because no matter how HARD you try, no matter how many GOOD decisions you think you make, no matter how many TIMES you pray.... all you can do is look up to heaven and wonder....
"Dear Lord why have you forsaken me??"  
Or even worse, "God - are you even there???"

Have you been there?
Do you ever just wanna throw your hands up and just GIVE UP?
Do you know that heart breaking, gut wrenching pain??!!
I do.
I could go on and on with scenario after scenario.... of days when I thought I couldn't look for tomorrow.  Days when I felt that I had literally failed in life.  Days when I was ashamed that my child had ME to look up to... me, a failure to be his role model.  And even worse, those days when I thought there couldn't be a God and if there was - he sure didn't care about me!!!

But here's the good news.

HE IS THERE - and HE DOES CARE!!!!!!

And although I felt like I failed time and time again.... HE was right there beside me, crying with me.  Holding my hand.  Carrying me when I could no longer walk....
Watching me try... watching me fall and picking me up... watching make good decisions and watching me make bad ones.  But never judging and never forsaking me....

Do you know how I know this?

I know this because ALL those trials and rough times I went through... all those tears and heart aches... they ALL, every single one, brought me right where I am today.
And I have a new perspective.
You see - there were days when I didn't know how I would pay my bills.  There were many things I lost and many things I did without through those years....  I swallowed alot of pride.
BUT - I can look back now and know - even through all of that - God was taking care of me.
I worked hard, I gave everything I was capable of giving, I took care of my baby boy and made sure HE was always fed and clothed and most importantly LOVED.

And I see now - God was taking care of us both.

ALL of those paths I walked down... the twists, the turns, the backflips.... they all added up to where I am and WHO I am today.

And for that reason - I know my God is real.  I know he has sheltered and protected me from many things.  Even on those days when I thought it couldn't have gotten any worse, perspective shows me that YES - it could in fact be worse!!!

I kept my head up, kept praying and kept trusting that God had a plan bigger than me.
And from where I sit today - his plan was way more perfect than anything I could have done on my own!!

Ask me if there is a God
Ask me if he is real
Ask me HOW I, a single mother on my own at 19.... got through school, raised an awesome young man, bought my own house, paid off a vehicle and now go to work every day to a job I love surrounded by an awesome group of co-workers!!
And ask me about being loved and surrounded by the best family and friends and boyfriend that a girl could ask for......

Go ahead....... ASK ME!!!!!!

It may have taken years for me to fully understand it....
but
I.  Am.  BLESSED!

My God is good!

Calling in my little soldiers...

My heart is hurting tonight and I am asking for a small little favor from you all.
From all my bloggin buddies
From all my facebook buddies
From all of you I know in person
and all of you I have never met
From all of you who I know read on a regular basis
and from those of you who never say a word, but I know your there....

My heart is breaking.

I have been blogging for some time now.
And over the years, I have been blessed by reading
and even more blessed by writing and hearing your kind and personal words in return.

If you will remember, not too long ago, I was actually contemplating leaving my blog.
Circumstances occurred that caused me to second guess sharing my heart with you.
Lots of people wrote to me
and every single word made me smile and made me stronger.

Throughout my journey I have had the opportunity to share in many joys and many heartaches with you.
Tonight - I need to share a heartache

BECAUSE I'M ASKING FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!

Back in my LAYOVER BLOG, I spoke of a dear sweet girl, "JR" who wrote to me and asked me not to stop writing.  She is one of the main reasons I pressed on rather than being defeated by negative experiences and negative feelings.
She is a very very sweet girl who has written to me on many occasions.  She has shared alot of her personal life with me and I have done my very best to hold her close and pray for her on a regular basis.

Sadly - I received an email from a friend of hers tonight saying that she has overdosed and they don't know if she will make it or not.
I do not know any more details than that.
I know life has given her a tough hand, and I know that just like ALL OF US, some of that is due to choices made by others and some due to choices she has made.  But when she writes to me, she shares her heart of gold.  One that is hurt and broken.

As of now, I do not know where she is or anything more
So I'm simply reaching out to each and every one of you tonight or whenever you might read this, to ask you.... as you read this blog, please PLEASE send up special thoughts and prayers for my little friend JR.... Prayers for her family, Prayers for her KIDS, and prayers for her friends....

I know that we all have bad days and need the strength of others to get through...
I'm sad to think that ANYONE gets to a point where they are so sad and feel they can't rely on support from someone else to get them through.
So tonight... tomorrow.... whenever, please please send all the prayer support that we can muster up!
I KNOW how big my GOD is!  Let's see if we can show JR how big he is too!

Thank you all!
HUGS AND KISSES!!!!

Tami G

The layover...

It's prep time for the journey ahead......

So after my last blog, I kinda tucked my tail and walked away from the blog world.
I received many emails and messages asking me to keep writing....
I love writing... and I love you guys!!  So I wanted to still be here...
 
But it was like after I blew off steam and signed off that last blog, I closed the door.
And then... even when I WANTED to come back, I couldn't find the door to get back in.
I couldn't find my way back.
I realized, it was because somewhere in all of that fiasco... I lost ME.
I got lost.
I lost my meaning... my purpose... my desire to share.
I felt like I was stuck.

It's like before.... I had been on a plane with a destination and so much to share on the way.  But my plane stopped for an emergency "turbulence" landing... and somehow I got stuck in a layover.  Losing direction.  Not knowing when I could get back on... or HOW!

But tonight - I had an epiphany.
I got an email that made me sit down and relive what I have been through over the past few years.  And rethink all of the things I have shared.
And I realized..... I have come a LONG way!!!!!!!!

And today - where I sit.... although I have been confused, and felt I had somehow lost myself and lost my way - TODAY I realized...
I am NOT lost.
I have NOT lost my way
I still have direction.
But something HAS changed!!

I read this:
"To be truly victorious, you must grow to the place where you're not afraid of hard times, but are actually challenged by them."

I still have hard days.  I still have days where I don't understand.
The difference is, they don't stop me in my tracks anymore.
I still have bills, and a teenage son (ha ha) and problems that come with every day life.
People will talk... they will always talk.
But what I have realized is  - not me, but GOD is bigger than ALL of that!
And I think I finally have a peace.
A peace that I cannot explain.
But I stopped worrying.
I stopped trying to defend myself to people who I owe nothing to.

I am no longer AFRAID of hard times... I look FORWARD to the challenge!

There are many many goals that I want to accomplish on top of what God has already brought me through.
I will write a new bucket list and hold myself accountable.
But I'm not SCARED of the list.

It's time that I stop during my layover and give thanks for EVERYTHING that God has brought me through.  Not just in the past few weeks, or the past year, or the past two years....... but my God has carried me for YEARS!!!
Many times when I didn't deserve it - he never let me down.
And I stand where I stand today because of that.
I am thankful
and I look forward to what He holds in my future.

And even more importantly - after the email I received tonight - I see HOW God truly does use me on a daily basis and I am very grateful for the person who shared her story with me tonight.  Thank you JR for sharing and being honest with me.  Thank you for reminding me that God uses us all in some way every day.  Thank you for honoring me with your trust... 
Though you may think God doesn't have a purpose in your life and that he can't use you... I am PROOF today - that he is!  :)   So thank you

I will continue to blog - and those who choose can continue to walk along this journey we call life with me.
I make no promises that toes won't get stepped on or that feelings won't get hurt
On your side OR mine!
But I do promise to always be here..... to always be honest.... to always listen when needed and give advice when asked..... and most importantly pray  :)

Be thankful for life's layovers.... when everything is calm and you feel lost and you aren't sure which direction to step or when....
For it is in those times that God is preparing you for something big.
Stop
Listen
Prepare
and Wait..........

You've got enemies?!!

Good - at least you know you stood for something...

Ya know...
I started this blog years ago.
I started it as a sort of way to vent... a way to deal with life and all the ups and downs.... all the unanswered questions.... all the cross-roads we encounter.
And as I walked along the journey of my blog - I got emails and comments from people that said Thanks for what you are not afraid to say....
So my blog transferred from being just a personal therapy place for me, and slowly began to be a place where I talked about life and heart ache and heart break, and it somehow helped people out there in the blogosphere!

I said from the beginning that my blog would be honest and forthcoming - and you could choose to either love it or hate it.  And some days, I might just step on toes.  But it's nothing personal towards anyone.  And the beauty of it is this...... if your offended or you don't agree - feel free to NOT come back!
No one is forcing you to read.
And if you have a question or an opinion, feel free to voice it HERE and I will address it.  Don't go talking about it behind my back!

So here goes.......

Over the past year - I have gone through some pretty tough stuff.  I have been mostly quiet about it because it is never my intent to go out into the world and publicly humiliate people.
I have been lied to, cheated on, betrayed, manipulated..... just flat out HURT.
And mostly I have kept my mouth shut.
I've tried to remain positive and hold on to the ONE thing I believe in - and that happens to be a God that I gave my heart to years ago.

I have been divorced now for 1 month.  (as of it being final).  Granted - he left months before that point, and his heart was gone long before even that ..... but the actuality of it is - ONE MONTH.
Does it still hurt sometimes?  sure.
Do I still today look back at times and wonder if there was something I could have done different?  absolutely.
But the truth of the matter is - every day someone else tells me something that he's done or is doing that reassures me that I'm better in the long run.  So as much as I struggled with being divorced and accepting that, it's like every time I get low or scared or confused, God sends me someone else to remind me what path my ex-husband has chosen and I know that I could NEVER walk that path of decisions.
In short - my God saved me.

So anyway - through all that.... the questions, the hurt, the insecurities..... everything that comes with being totally manipulated and fooled.....
through all that
I have tried to be the bigger person and I've tried to be a Christian in my actions.

BUT - over the past few weeks, I have been in some respects attacked.  By several.  In many ways.  Attacked for my religious beliefs, attacked for being a hypocrite, heck I've even been told I am no longer a good example for a child to look up to.
REALLY?!
Oh yes - that's what I was told.

Now granted - some of this comes from the rambling of some crazy girl whom I don't even know.  She commenced to seeing me have dinner with a male friend of mine (of whom her best friend apparently has some disillusioned idea that they are dating) and accused me of being a homewrecker and a slut!  So that stuff, that goes in one ear and out the other. 
But here's what bothers me......

My character has been attacked.
My BELIEFS have been attacked.
People have come onto my blog, a place that I truly believe God has used in many many ways - and they have totally judged me and questioned my beliefs and my actions.
People have come onto my facebook and scoured through looking for things to throw up in my face.  Or things to "judge" me for.

As much as this pains me, I'm considering shutting down my blog and possibly my facebook.
Not because I'm ashamed and not because I don't still believe in what I do.
BUT - when people start twisting my words or judging pictures or locations where I might be... when they start twisting those things to make me out to be a hypocrite or make a MOCKERY of Christianity or my God...  well I just can't condone that.

The things that I try to use for good - are being twisted and used in a way that I'm not ok with.
And I don't know how to stop it.

Thoughts?!   Feelings?!  Opinions?!!!

“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” -Jackie Robinson

Reason for the pain...

Everybody struggles and has pain. EVERYBODY!! God recycles and redeems the pain the very moment we use our experience to help someone else through their pain.  I read this from a pastor's facebook page that I follow and it was like a million light bulbs went off all around me!!  :)


Divorce.  
What a painful word.  
What a painful experience.  
And it happens every day all around us.

Some simply because people literally look at marriage as a trial run these days.  Some people literally take it so lightly that going in, they think, if it doesn't work out - well I'll just get a divorce and start over.  No big deal.
But some of us... some of us still think of marriage as the ultimate commitment of love here on earth.
Some (few) of us wait and search and fall in love thinking this is IT for me.  We give our hearts completely to the one we plan to grow old with.
And sometimes... we get hurt.   Sometimes, well... we simply pick the wrong person to trust our heart to.  OR, maybe we give our heart... loving and caring and having faith that we are on the same path and have the same goals and we believe that that person loves us just the same.
And sadly... sometimes things change.
And when they change... or we feel deceived, there is nothing you can do to take that back.
When the one person that you think will NEVER hurt you, acutally HURTS you... you may not stop loving them, but you have to face the fact that the path that person has chosen is no longer the path the two of you chose together.


I don't belive in divorce... as a general rule.
But when I say that I simply mean, I do not believe that it should be used as an escape for when the going gets tough.
But I do believe that when you have walked down a road with someone who no longer puts your future as a couple as a first priority - sometimes.. well... there is no other option.
When living right in God's eyes and upholding vows that you took together is NO LONGER the priority, and trust and hope and love are treated as though they mean nothing anymore, I don't believe God's blessings are placed upon someone who chooses to purposely keep traveling down the path of pain and turmoil.
I don't believe that God intends anyone to stay in a relationship where you are continually beaten down or abused or taken for granted in any way.


And for that reason, my divorce hit me hard.


But when I read what I read tonight - It just gave me light.  It showed me purpose.
Do I think that God PLANNED and PURPOSED me to walk down an aisle with a man I loved just to end up divorced.
No.  I do not.
BUT I do believe that God uses EVERY experience that we go through to not only bless us, but to also bless those around us.
I do believe that no matter what you are going through... no matter how bad the pain; turning that around to use for good in His name is the ultimate gift and redemption that He gives us.


And for that reason..... I can lay my head down at night and truly sleep.
for that reason I can KNOW that God uses me every day.
He makes me stronger by bringing me through trials a stronger better person  (someone please tell God I'm strong enough....ha ha)
But more importanatly I believe he uses me EVERY day.
He uses things I have been through... the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions, the experience, the "live and learns" to shine light to all those around me.


And for THAT - I am thankful.
And for THAT - I am at peace.


I can let go and I can move forward with what is in store for me next.
And I can do so proudly and confidently  :)


Will I marry again?  who knows
But am I ok either way - Absolutely!
Why - because I know God has plans for me and he'll use me for whatever His will is, and as long as I know that - I know I will be blessed  :)

Forgiveness - the KEY to survival

What is forgiveness?

To give up resentment of or claim to requital for; to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

This seems to be one of the hardest concepts for our feeble human minds to comprehend.  Why?  Because everyone wants justification, vengeance, honor.... Revenge.
When someone wrongs us or hurts us in some way, our selfish pride feels some sort of obligation to hurt another in retaliation.  It's how human nature is.
Evil.
An eye for an eye...

So forgiving someone who has hurt us is hard.  It takes alot of love and faith.... and well... true soul searching and selflessness.  And it doesn't happen overnight.  Nor does it last overnight.  Most of the time, you have to forgive on a daily basis.  Remind yourself everyday that you have forgiven and let go of that pain and that need for self gratification.

The even harder thing about forgiveness is this....... you MUST forgive yourself.
People make mistakes and hurt us.  Yes.  But guess what.  We are HUMAN and we often make mistakes that hurt others along with our own selves.
At that point, you must make a point to forgive.  Not just yourself for hurting someone else (which is very important too... along with hopefully their forgiveness)
But the thing that stifles us most, is actually being able to forgive ourselves for being human.
We make mistakes.
We choose wrong paths.
We hurt people.
We are selfish.
We are resentful.
We are prideful.... oh how we are prideful.
And in that prideful persona, we put ourselves into a self inflicted bondage.
It's like our pride is so important to us that actually ADMITTING we were wrong or did wrong, is a life threatening blow to our ego.
Which gives us something to constantly hold over our OWN head.  And something we constantly feel the need to justify and "make up for".
We find ourselves over compensating in other areas of our lives in order to bury that mistake that we made.  If we make up for it in other ways, it justifies our wrong doing.

Truth of the matter is, without forgiveness of our OWN faults, you will never be happy with yourself.  And without being happy with yourself, you will never find TRUE happiness or contentment with anyone else either.  You will live a constant lie.  Habitually ridiculing and criticizing others in order to make you feel better about YOU.
"well.... at least I didn't do what HE did"
"at least I'm good at this...."
"at least I went to church last Sunday"
"at least 'so and so' likes me BETTER"
Constant rectification and justification and prideful indulgence - that I can assure you my friend will NEVER give you the peace you are so desperately looking for.

Some of you that read my blog are Christians and some are not.
Either way - you can take this to heart.
And if you have questions, comments, or opinions, please don't hesitate to share.
I read something last night that TOTALLY hit a chord with me.
It says this:
"If you ever cease to understand the value of repentance, (admitting you were wrong and asking for forgiveness) you allow yourself to remain in sin.  Repentance is a gift of God.  Our natural life can only be turned spiritual through sacrifice.  If we do not sacrifice the natural to the spiritual, the natural life will resist and defy the life of God in us and will produce CONSTANT TURMOIL.  God will not be involved in your natural lives as long as we continue to pamper and gratify it (sin, selfishness, and wrong doing) !"

People struggle every day with finding their place in the world.  Their niche so to speak.  Where they feel comfortable and can truly be at peace with themselves.  The fact of the matter is, if you have refused to forgive others or forgive yourselves and refuse to give up that PRIDE that you hold so dearly to.... God can not bless you and you WILL be in constant turmoil.

Romans 12:9-21
  ⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
 ¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
 ¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary:
   “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
   if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
 ²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I implore you today....... search your soul and find those bitter hurtful things you are harboring inside and let them GO! 
Search your soul for those things that you feel and do on a daily basis, that you justify and hold so dearly to... all for the pure reasoning of protecting that selfish pride.
Forgive those who hurt you.
Forgive yourself for hurting others.
But MOST importantly, forgive YOURSELF for being human and let go of your past.  Believe it or not YOU YOURSELF can NOT justify the mistakes or "make up for them".  You can only let them go and learn from them and start living life better rather than living life in constant turmoil to make up for wrong doing.
Ask God for forgiveness and know that if HE can forgive you, you CAN forgive yourself.
Let yourself off the hook.
We are human.
But we are saved by grace and we are FORGIVEN!

~Motivational Monday~ A Womans Prayer

A Woman’s Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,

I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should’ve been with my heart.

From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands.

I now commit my heart into your hands for safe-keeping.

Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what You desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart.

I invite you to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me.

Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding.

I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice.

In Jesus Name,

AMEN

Back to square one

Today I'm sharing something I posted.....   well - long ago.

Thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I today - hold firmly to  :)

I hope you enjoy - but more than anything.... I hope you are inspired.

To give.

To LOVE.

To pray.

To trust in God - no matter WHAT the circumstances!!!!

Unconditional love is a term used to describe a love shared with someone regardless of the other's actions or beliefs.  It is comparable to the term "true love" which is used most often between lovers.  At the same time, unconditional love is frequently used to describe the love between family members, very good friends and also used to describe God's love for us through the forgiveness of Christ.

After a long intense (texted) conversation with a friend of mine recently, he asked me:  "Have u never had 100 percent true unconditional love?"  My response was - "other than my girlfriends & family, no."
Now - my girls and I definitely have an unconditional love for each other, but dating/relationship wise... no.  I don't think I have ever had a 100% shared unconditional love in any relationship.  (Thank God I'm still single then - right?!)  It seems one has always been more or less committed than the other, or one is looking for something more, or one is NOT looking to be serious... always something to break that bond.

Now - do I think I have LOVED unconditionally?  ABSO-freaking-LUTELY!!!!!!!  Every day of my life!  I just don't think it's ever been a mutually shared 100% love that was the same and REAL.  There are so many people that have passed through my life, some who still remain, that maybe I don't agree with and maybe I have had words with, and maybe, just maybe they turned their back and walked away from me.  BUT - I still contain so much love in my heart for them... sometimes it just pisses me off!  ;-)  BUT - at the same time, most days, I feel so lucky and blessed and I am so thankful for it. 
So in turn, I sometimes wonder if I was meant to just GIVE love and hope to those around me.  Like that is my gift from God... my big huge loving, forgiving, heart.  I can't even begin to tell you the number of times people have let me down or broken my heart.....but you know what's really weird and I have yet to figure out - I still to this day LOVE those people unconditionally.  6 months from the day you broke my heart, you could call me and ask for help and I'd be there.  I just can't NOT love or NOT give hope to everyone around me.  (i don't do it on purpose people....I can't help it!  ha ha)  I look at people and situations and I see hope..... (I don't always do that in my OWN life - but I'm VERY good at giving it to those I surround myself with!)
Now - don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I'm not WORTHY of being loved unconditionally OR that I am NOT loved unconditionally - it's just that the love is different with each I guess.  And in relationships, maybe I have been loved unconditionally but didn't share in it with the person.  I don't know. 

So I often wonder if my purpose here on earth is to go at it alone.  To love and give hope to those around me on this journey of life.   I was given a son by the grace of God to show me the REALMS of true neverending undying unconditional love......(because trust me, from one parent to another, no one can break your heart MORE than your own child - but we just keep on lovin them!)
I look at couples and I envy what they have.  I envy that bond that they have.  I envy them having someone to come home to at night.  I envy the touch of a man on the small of his wife's back.  ohhhhh - there are so many little things that people take for granted that I see.  I see them every day.  And they used to make me sad........they used to make me lonely.  They used to make me look at God and say "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
But no more.

Today (this is a work in progress people) I'm learning to be thankful for the gift God has given me.  I don't have to just share my love with one......I get to share it with everyone I meet.  Oh yeah - I have been and will again be let down & have my heart broken, but that's ok.  Because even when that person walks away, they will now have a piece of unconditional love - and even if they have never seen it or felt it before, I promise you - that they will never forget what it felt like.   =)

my footprints in the world..........

Let the Son shine through

Even out of ruins, God always shows me light  :)
the silver lining if you will........

My last post was very hard.  That day was VERY hard.
BUT such is life.
We all have good days and bad days and days that are just a little harder to get through than others.
I am not special in that.
I guess the difference is, I don't hold in my emotions.  I don't hold in my feelings.
I may speak them, I may scream them, but most of all - I type them.... I SHARE them!!!
Someone told me once that our emotional selves are like refrigerators.  You have to clean your refrigerator out every now and then or you end up with a whole bunch of nasty spoiled and rotten food in there.  Well our emotional well being is the same way.  All of those feelings and emotions that you hold in.... if left sitting, they get stale and yucky and guess where that shows up... in your attitude.  You turn into a cold, bitter reflection of your true self.  You walk around so busy hiding your nastiness inside, that no one really sees the real true you.  You become that.... just an image.  Just a photocopy.  People see you... but they only see what you show them, what you WANT them to see, you know those "pictures" you hang on the outside of your refrigerator...  and then if God forbid, someone opens the door and gets a glimpse of what's inside - it's life threatening to your emotional well being.  So you slam the door and run away and hide.

I understand that some people are private.  Some people choose not to share.  Some people don't WANT people to see or know the real them because maybe it might mean that they have to see themselves where they truly stand too.  And ... well... I guess it's easier to just close the refrigerator door and hang pictures on the outside and pretend that all is well.

I am "what you see is what you get"
Do I share too much?  That has always been the question....

I get my answer almost every time I blog.
God did give me a gift.  And I choose to use it to His benefit, not my own.
And when I go down a dark and winding road and I come out at the end, sure, sometimes I look back and think WHY LORD.... WHY???
but only for a second....
He always answers.

My last post was very personal.
And I received several VERY personal emails yesterday from people who will remain anonymous that read my post and shared how much it helped them.  One with a past experience similar to what I'm going through and one who is going through it now.  And ironically, someone also who struggles in their beliefs and what I wrote yesterday really touched her too.   Not necessarily the divorce part, but the FAITH in God that I shared.  And I try to share in every post I share.

So when asked why I blog and why I share so much, my answer is two-fold.   First of all, it's my version of cleaning out my refrigerator.  I'm a very openly emotional, feeling and spiritual person.  And as I type, God speaks to me and THROUGH me.   And secondly, I do believe that there are people out there that struggle with things every day.  And if one little ounce of hope or God and what he has done in my life can be shared to help someone else, well.... I KNOW that God is working through me.  And when I know that - I know that no matter what is going on around me and no matter what walls are falling down, I know that God has a plan bigger than me.   Even out of ruin, God shines light.
For THAT I am thankful.

Live and Let Die

The beauty and the curse in this word is - God gave us all free will.

Do I believe God has a plan and purpose for your life?  YES!  Do I believe that God has great and mighty things to show you and give you and teach you throughout life?  Absolutely!  I do.
Do I believe that you may suffer hardships and pain along the way... sure.  That's how we GROW!  It's also how we LEARN!
Some of that is placed upon us - and some of it, we place upon ourselves.

The catch in that plan for you - is that tricky little thing he also gave us...... FREE WILL.
You know right from wrong, just as well as you know up from down.
Whether you were raised with a religious background or not - most people are born with a common sense of direction and decency.  You don't get up tomorrow and rob a bank, JUST because the law says it's wrong... you (hopefully) don't get up and rob a bank tomorrow because you fundamentally know it's wrong.  It's not YOUR money and you would be stealing from another.  The free will comes into play in whether or not you choose to use that common sense or just ignore it and carry on in your own blissful ignorance.  The free will is when you CHOOSE to block out that common decency you have inside you and ignore the fact that YOU stealing money has an affect on someone else.  It HURTS someone else.

So while free will is a gift, it can also be twisted into a curse..... JUSTIFICATION for OWN SELF exoneration!  ENTITLEMENT.  OH how entitlement runs rampant these days.  The world OWES you something so you justify the pain you inflict.  Someone hurt YOU - so you justify hurting them back.  Someone let you down so you use that anger and bitterness to in turn hurt someone else!

As we travel through this life, we all make mistakes.  We might wrong someone that hurts them intentionally.  Or we might wrong someone unintentionally.  And... unfortunately, someone else makes a choice that wrongs us.  ALL FREE WILL.

Here's the catch for me...... I read something earlier that really hit home with me.  (be patient, I'll share)
Sometimes I take wrong roads.  Sometimes I make wrong decisions.  Sometimes my focus or my pathway gets a little bit skewed and I get lost and off track for a day, month, months.... minute.  And maybe I make a decision that changes the course of my life (God's plan).  But after it's said and done, and I'm knocked off my horse and found sitting flat on my behind on the ground...... I have TWO CHOICES.   Get up and IGNORE the lesson I was just taught and get up and travel down that same road again.  (duuuhhhhhhhhh)  I know the outcome.  I KNOW it didn't work the first time, WHY in the world would I want to get knocked off again????   Or I can use my noggin and take note and learn from it.
So I usually choose to learn.

Here's where it gets even trickier..... what if someone ELSE makes a choice that effects me?  Someone else walked down the wrong path and dragged me with them (remember, I have free will too.... there I go walking right along beside them)  but regardless, THEY make the decision that ultimately knocks me right back flat on my butt.  And I'm left sitting..... wondering...... what just happened?  What did I do?  I thought I was doing the right thing....
And guess what - sometimes YOU ARE doing the right thing.  Sometimes you ARE on the right path.  And sometimes someone else trips up and falls... and oooops... they pulled you right down with them.???

AGAIN..... ALL FREE WILL.....

Here's what I learned tonight
NO MATTER who tripped.... no matter who walked down the wrong road.... whether you chose it yourself or whether you were walking along side someone else and THEY made the decision that knocked you down....

YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES.

#1 - you can let the choice AFFLICT you.   You can allow your own mistake or someone else's mistake to paralyze you to the point of not even recognizing right from wrong anymore.  You are AFFLICTED.  By yourself, by God, by another.... but regardless, you choose to be AFFLICTED.  This means you have CHOSEN to allow this set-back, this stumble, this fall to CONTROL you.  It changes you for the worse.  You become sooooo obsessed with this mistake that it begins to rule your entire life.   And you know what happens then.... you KEEP trying that same road... over and over and over thinking that one day YOU will overcome.   One day you won't get knocked down.  One day you will be ENTITLED to overcome!  You deserve it after all.... You've EARNED it!  And your wrong.  Wrong is wrong is wrong, no matter how many times you try it.

~OR~

#2 - you can let the choice AFFECT you.  So you made a mistake.  Big whoop.  We're human for goodness sake.  NO-ONE, no matter how they present themselves to be, is perfect.  NO-ONE.  So you make mistakes, others make mistakes... and God gives you free will to MAKE mistakes.
The difference is with this AFFECT, you LEARN from your mistakes.  You learn from others mistakes.  You do the most important thing you can possibly do and that is forgive yourself for falling and REMEMBER why you fell and then use your free will to CHOOSE not to go down that road again.

So whether you MAKE a mistake or someone else MAKES a mistake that impacts you, choose to let that decision AFFECT you, NOT AFFLICT you.   Let yourself off the hook.  God isn't keeping score.  And contrary to what most people think, other people really aren't keeping score either....   most of us are doing our best to survive our OWN life's ups and downs.  We're too busy to really give a crap about whether you messed up or not and what the score is.... or whether or not you are I have been vindicated!

LOVE FREELY, LAUGH OFTEN, LIVE TO THE FULLEST
and most of all
FORGIVE YOURSELF......... be AFFECTED, not AFFLICTED!

Let it die and move on to a better life.
We choose to let life rule us - OR let God rule our life!

I also came across this quote from Jeremy from another blog that I now follow.
It was intense and I wanted to share.

The scream of anguish can be deafening. The darkness of pain can be blinding. But the hope found through letting go and trusting God radiates with faith that new days are ahead. God can bring forth true love and beauty from the painful corridors of our hearts, but we must let go of the dark places. Yes, the task of letting go is just as hard as the initial heartache, but in the end, I am hoping that it will be worth it. 

The foundation

As a child, I was raised in church.  I was given a foundation to stand on.  I am thankful for that.
There were times through out my life when I strayed from what I was taught.  Times that I spread my wings and tried to walk on my own.  And that I did.  But the wonderful thing is... that foundation I was raised with, always brought me back around.
I grew up.  I made mistakes.  I rebelled.  I did wrong.  I did some right too... but for the most part, I did what I wanted to do... what I thought was right.  I had to learn things the hard way.  What can I say?!  It's how I've always learned... the hard way.

Now, I'm an adult.  I know what I was taught.  I know how I raised.  I know from experience that bad decisions or decisions that are not thought through will sometimes come back to haunt you.  It's that funny thing we call life.  Sometimes they are decisions I make, and sometimes they are decisions that are made for me.  But even when the decision is made FOR me... I still have to decide how to handle and deal with that decision.  And I'm thankful for my upbringing and my foundation because I know right from wrong.  I know up from down.  I know because I always pray and ask, what would God have me do here?  Now I think not what I want, but what God wants... when I'm at a crossroad and I'm forced to deal with something, I now have the withstanding to step back and think... what would God have me do?

Here's where things get confusing.... and this may be a little deep for some.

One of the fundamentals in my foundation and religion is this.... (I do realize there are VERY different opinions on this)  I have always been raised to believe once saved always saved.   That once you have that transformation and ask Jesus into your heart, that is where he resides.  Forever.  Sure I believe that you can stray... you can mess up... heck, we are a people in a world full of sin.  Being saved doesn't make you perfect.  It makes NO ONE perfect.  We ALL mess up.  But I believe with God in your heart and knowing that you have professed your faith in him, that there will be a PULL in your heart as you are walking down that dark path that tugs at your heart... your conscious... Jesus in your heart beckoning you all the while that you are following YOUR will and not God's will.
Here's where things are beginning to get a little fuzzy for me these days.

Do you believe that there is a point where that salvation is lost?  I have had conversations with several people recently.  About my recent circumstances and about other situations happening all around me.  And although I have always stood strong on my belief and that foundation.... I have been reading and researching recently and I now wonder... is there a point where you cross a line and your no longer in favor of God.  Is there a point where your name is no longer written in the book of life?  Is there a point where you have completely turned your back and God and that gift of salvation and you have committed the unpardonable sin of blasphemy?  Is there a point where your testimony is no longer a testimony?  Is there a point where you are walking down a road blatantly doing YOUR will and trying to fix YOUR life on YOUR own and God's will is no longer a factor?
And if you go down that road... if you still profess to be a Christian but you live a life that shows nothing but pride and self preservation and SELF will that you have turned your back so far to the point where you become more a hinderence to God's will rather than a testimony?
And when you reach that point... are you really truly saved?  Are you truly heaven bound?

Ironically, after these recent conversations and insight - I read my daily devotion today.  And this is what it said....

THE CHANGED LIFE

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new"  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

What understanding do you have of the salvation of your soul?  The work of salvation means that in your real life things are dramatically changed.  You no longer look at things in the same way.  Your desires are new and the old things have lost their power to attract you.  One of the tests for determining if the work of salvation in your life is genuine is - has God changed the things that really matter to you?  If you still yearn for the old things, it is absurd to talk about being born from above - you are deceiving yourself.  If you are born again, the Spirit of God makes the change very evident in your real life and thought.  And when a crisis comes, you are the most amazed person on earth at the wonderful difference there is in you.  There is no possibility of imagining that you did it.  It is this complete and amazing change that is the very evidence that you are saved.

What difference has my salvation and sanctification made?  For instance, can I stand in the light of 1 Corinthians 13, or do I squirm and evade the issue:  True salvation, worked out in me by the Holy Spirit frees me completely.  And as long as I "walk in the light as He is in the light" (1 John 1:7), God sees nothing to rebuke because His life is working itself into every detailed part of my being, not on the conscious level, but even deeper than my consciousness. ~Oswald Chambers~

  
If you no longer have that pull?  If you no longer feel the need to do God's will - but are instead focused on YOUR WILL and YOU fixing things and paying for your mistakes....  are you walking in the light anymore?  If you continually ignore that pull in your heart and continually turn your back on the God you accepted in your heart, do you feel like at some point you become more of a hindrance to God's plan than a testimony?  Does your testimony just become blasphemous?  And if it is - do you believe that is the unpardonable sin that removes your name from the book of life?

Setting Fire

If you're going to be offended by my true honest open RAW feelings - then I suggest you close this blog right now and walk away.  Because today is NOT a good day.  It's not hopeful and warm and fuzzy and reminiscent.  It is instead...... HONEST and REAL.
Tonight I am cleansing and closing the door.   This is where it gets real.

As a little girl, just like every little girl, I grew up dreaming of the day my daddy walked me down an aisle and gave my hand to the man I chose to walk through the rest of my life with... to the man my dad would trust with my heart because he knew I had already given it to him.  The man that my daddy would know had proved to me would stand by my side through thick and thin, good times and bad, and all the no matter what's - because my daddy raised me to believe in marriage.  I was raised with such a foundation that I waited....I WAITED till I found just the right man to give my hand to and make that promise to.  The man that looked at me in my eyes and said I can't imagine life without you.  The man that said I'm better WITH you than without you.  The man that I knew no matter what would be my biggest fan.  I waited for that.
And that day came.  And my daddy walked me down the aisle and put my hand in the hand of a man who took all of that away from me.

Now - don't get me wrong, I have definitely made my share of mistakes.  I HAVE made mistakes.  Big ones.
But marriage.... that to me was never anything with room for error.  Ever.  Not that its not possible to make a mistake, because I get that it is.   But in my eyes, once you make that promise, once you take that vow, once you stand in front of God and family and friends and commit your life to another human being, {{Matthew 19:6 - Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.}} that to me is one of the most important decisions you make in life.  Period.
And I always always always took that decision to heart.  Always.

So as much thought and care and consideration and anticipation as I put into that day - not in the dress, or the place, or the date, or the flowers.... but the years of thought and waiting and patience and looking and praying for the right man... and the right time.   No I didn't expect everything to be perfect, but I did expect to be able to trust that when a man, a Christian, God fearing man looked at me and said "I take you Tammy to be my lawfully wedded wife... to have and to hold till death do us part" that he was for real.  Because where I'm from, when you make a promise and you tell someone that you love them and you still love them, it's something worth fighting for.
Apparently when there is something that you love and cling to more than the woman you married, whatever that might be, the new wife can only hold things together alone for so long and take so much before she is completely and utterly broken.

The day I dreamed of has come and gone and the memories from it have been tainted and destroyed.  And for that - I can only thank the man who told me that me and our marriage are not worth fighting for anymore.

....today I am angry
and I give.
(tomorrow is a new day - and I'll be fine) 
 

It's a PaRtY at my house!!!!!!

well....
I mean....
I AM the ONLY one here...
and I'm studying...
and I'm in my PJ's....

BUT - I'm having my own little party right here in my PJ's on my couch!

TODAY was my VERY last day of clinicals!!!
whooooooo hoooooooooo

I am DONE.... D.  O.  N.  E. ... DONE with school!!
No more tests (that I know of)
No more homework
No more 3 AM commutes to random clinical sites...
No more grades
No more check offs

I'm DONE!

(before you get TOO excited - I do still have to take my Boards... which determine my certification... and I'm studying my BUTT off for those...)
BUT
I am no longer a student!

Guess what I am.......

A FULL TIME Diagnostic Medical Sonographer.

I got my offer letter yesterday and as soon as I can get this first Board test out of the way, I will begin full time employment in a facility doing exactly what I went to school to do.
And you have to understand..... jobs are not plentiful in this field right now.  And the jobs that ARE there, are typically of the PRN nature and taking call.
I however, have the holy grail of ultrasound jobs.  A full time daytime position.  No nights, no holidays, no call... you get the idea  :)
YAY!
I'm soooooo excited!

And I would like to say a big huge THANK YOU to my almighty God who has set this path in motion LONG before I even knew that the path existed at all!  I look back and see the stepping stones that have been being laid for years!!!!!!

Also a big THANK you to all my family and friends who have supported me and prayed for me, along with my teachers and my fellow classmates!

This has been one AMAZING roller coaster of a year....
lots of changes; lots of new friends; lots of new places; and my brain might just explode.....
But this ride is about to pull into the station and begin a whole new journey.
And I thank God above for it ALL!

Keep praying... still have Boards to pass!  :)

Brown chicken Brown cow!!!

yeah yeah yeah.... I despise that song too - LOL
but - you can't take me down today!
(even after 78239872234 days of rain!!!)
I'm doing a happy dance, singing a song, and well.... it's been HOW MANY years since I've done a real live cartwheel??? but I'm doin it!!!
I'm listening to music and cleaning my house!  YEP - I'm in THAT good of a mood!
HA!

BRING ON MONDAY!!!!!!

I just took my final for my last semester of actual class time!  PHYSICS!  AND I got a 92!  yep - sure did.  92 in PHYSICS - YAY me!!!!
now granted - it's a TOUGH HARD CRAZY road ahead, I still have to finish up final clinical rotation (but I have checked off on all scans I need to check off on) AND I still have those Board tests to take (which I have heard HORROR stories about), but today, I feel like I have NOT actually wasted the last year of my life and I feel as though God has led me down a road and he's still holding my hand.  He isn't letting go yet.    We still have a few more hurdles to cross, but I guess this test today was just a MUCH NEEDED reminder that God brought me here for a reason and he's gonna continue carrying me through  :)

{{SHOUT OUT to Preacher T for the EXCELLENT service and MUCH NEEDED message at church Sunday!  I love you and am so proud to call such a GREAT man of God, my husband!}}


Hope everyone else is having a GREAT Monday also  :)