Just do it... BE beautiful!

I read this quote recently...
and it got me to thinking..

Don't talk about me, until you have talked TO me.
Don't underestimate me, until you challenge me.
Don't judge me until you KNOW me.

I love powerlifting.
It's no secret.
I love my job, I love my friends, I love my family, I love powerlifting.
These are the things that make me happy  :)

Today, Brad and I were asked to join in a work out at a gym.  The gentleman that invited us owns the gym and trains there.  I thought we were just going to work out and train with some peeps.  Maybe demonstrate some "heavy" lifts, as this was a starting strength class.  As it turns out, Brad and I actually helped some people work on their deadlifting technique.  Which was quite an honor actually.

BUT for those of you who know me, I'm not a public speaker, so just standing up in front of a crowd and being asked to speak KINDA freaks me out.  So I asked Brad to talk and I would go through the motions and demonstrate.  But even then, as I was standing there, all I could think was "should I even be standing here?"

As I said, I LOVE powerlifting and what I do.  But I guess I just don't feel qualified to be demonstrating or teaching or training or instructing or whatever you wanna call it.  I am honored that we were asked, and I'm humbled by the experience.  But in my head I kept repeating "I'm not worthy"!  I'm not good enough to be standing here!!

I WANT to be someone that people look up to and feel comfortable watching and asking questions!!  But there are sooooo many people out there better and stronger than me.  Again, Im just not worthy!!!

Then I read that quote

And I realized how FAR I have come!!!

No. I'm not THE best out there. No I don't have a set of state or world records in my pocket ( I mean I have Shana Ratcliff, Caitlyn Trout and Stephanie Tomlinson all in MY state!!). 

But YES. I have won meets. Yes I DO train HARD!!! Yes I do have goals and I have come a LONG way from the first day I touched a barbell!!!  (Which was only about two years ago!)

So when I stand in front of people who ask "what can I do!?" rather than feeling inexperienced and inadequate, I need to remember how far I have come!!!

Don't stand back there and talk about me until you have talked to me.  Hear my story... I didn't turn into a powerlifter overnight!  And I may not have records but I AM strong!!!  Challenge me!  Push me!  We all thrive on that!!  Motivate me just as I hope to motivate you!!!

And don't judge me based on someone else's opinion.  Judge me on me alone... when you KNOW me!!

I do hope that I left those ladies with a few tips to help them get stronger.  And I do hope that I made them feel comfortable in knowing that we as women CAN train and be strong and be better for it!!!

I hope that the next time the opportunity presents itself I can feel more confident in who I am and what I do.  Not only in powerlifting, but in life as a whole

We as women are so harsh and judgemental of each other.  This in turn causes us to be unsure and insecure in life

We need to remember.....

A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it, it just blooms.

Believe in yourself!!!  BE YOU!!!  Bloom!  That is all that matters.  

You may stand in a field full of weeds or you may stand in a field full of tulips... Regardless, when you bloom, you are beautiful!

I wish strength and beauty upon you all :))

It's Just a Lousy Nickel!!

So the other day, I was sweeping my floor.  And I saw a nickel on the floor.  Which I proceeded to just sweep right into my dirt pile....  because it would be too much trouble for me to bend over and pick it up, right?!!  So I just continued to sweep it around the house with the dirt and eventually into the dust pan with the rest of the dirt.  It was afterall...... JUST a nickel.  5 cents.  FIVE.  That's it.  Not worth the time of me digging it out of the pile of dirt and dog hair that I just swept from my floor!!!

And then I thought .......... WAIT....... WHAT?!?!!!!!!!!!


What the crap is wrong with me??  
Have I really become that complacent in my life... where a nickel is not worth the effort it takes to pick it up?

I then thought back to a time... when Z was just a little boy... and we lived in a apartment complex that had a coke machine by the office.  I remember a time when we would literally go on scavenger hunts in the apartment and in the car to try to gather up just enough change so that we both might go down to the coke machine and buy a drink to enjoy for the evening.  I remember when cokes WEREN'T readily available in the refrigerator.  It was a time when I worked my tail off in order to pay the rent and keep my baby boys belly full.  Cokes were a treat.  And getting to go get one from the coke machine was like an adventure.  It was back in a time when we played games and talked... it was before he buried his head into video games and a cell phone and got too big to "hang out with mom" anymore.  It was back when we would take drives out in the country going nowhere just to get out of the apartment and enjoy the sunshine.  (that was back when we could afford to put gas in our cars!!).  

Back then, a simple NICKEL meant the difference  in having the Grape Nehi or not!  
To be honest, back then a nickel meant keeping the lights on or not.

I pray that I don't ever lose the value of "just a nickel"

And as my son grows up and slowly but surely steps into a world that will crush you in a minute..... I pray that he never forgets the value of "just a nickel" and that he holds near to his heart what that small little nickel means. And when life is busy beating him down..and it will....I hope he remembers that sometimes all you need is just a nickel, a Grape Nehi and a ride around the countryside.

The journey.... Live Laugh Love

The Superbowl is on.... yeh... blahhhh
It's TERRIBLE

It's gym night..... yeh.... blahhh
The weather is terrible and frankly I don't wanna get out and travel in this mess

So it's just me... chillin at home, in front of the fireplace all warm and toasty and sippin on my lemon water  (cause I am still CARB FREE after all!)
*side note - ask me about THAT diet!!!*
And to be quite honest, I'm rather enjoying the quiet... AND my water  :)

And then I thought - I have not posted in my blog for MONTHS!!!  That's terrible.  I miss my journaling outlet and brain vomits, so here I am ..... with just some random thoughts that I have pondered recently...
because....
This is my 20th year out of high school - TWENTY YEARS!!!!
AND I have a son in COLLEGE!!!  my baby boy.... is in COLLEGE!!!

Time is a funny thing
As you are growing up, you can't wait to be 16, then 18, then 21.... then what?!!  You wish your life away birthday after birthday ... and then we all want time to stop.  But it flies.  It goes soooo fast.  And yet - in my mind it seems like high school really wasn't that long ago.   My parents are still in their 40's in my mind - even though I MYSELF am knocking on the door to 40!  Not logical I know.... but sometimes it just doesn't seem real. 
I have elderly patients tell me almost daily.... "don't get old - it's not all it's cracked up to be.  Everyone calls them the golden years, but I don't know what's so golden about them".

So tonight I sit and ponder over my life's journey.  Cause that is after all what it is all about... the journey.  Sure - as is the case with most of us, sometimes I wish I could go back and do a million things different based on what I know NOW.... but at the same time... I LOVE who I am today.  I love what I have been through.  I love the experiences I have under my belt and the stories I have to tell and the struggles I have fought to overcome.  It makes me strong.
Don't get me wrong... I'm a big ol' softie underneath.  I can cry at a commercial in a second (did y'all see that Budweiser puppy/horse commercial?!  That's what I live for!!) ... but when push comes to shove in this life - I do what I have to do to get through it!!!

My son will be 19 this year.  Like I said, he is a freshman in college... with his first semester under his belt! Yay! (which he didn't flunk which is a BONUS!  ha)   So we've had several conversations lately about life... and it made me think back to things I am thankful for and lessons learned on my journey.  Some the hard way... OK - actually MOST of them the hard way! 

Anyway.... just a few things I think you need to know as you are growing up......   OR if your grown up - maybe just a few things you can look back on and be grateful.

*  The teachers that drove you crazy are the BEST!  When I look back over my school days, there are a handful that stand out more so than others.  These are the ones NO ONE wanted.  The ones that MADE you do homework and graded everything with a fine toothed comb.  They MADE you crazy - but they made you push yourselves.  Be grateful for that.  THEY taught you the most not just about the class, but about YOU and what you are actually capable of!

*  It's ok to not know what you want to be "when you grow up".  You will eventually find yourself and you will just know.  Don't pressure yourself so much that you lose the journey to FINDING yourself!  Enjoy the steps along the way and one day you will stumble into something and within it you will find passion.  Let that lead you.

*  Your friends will be your lifeline.  Sometimes they come from high school and sometimes they don't come till later... in the most unusual way.  Treasure those relationships.  You NEED friends!  Of both sexes!

*  Everyone should work in customer service or food service at some point in life!  I truly believe it's one of the BEST ways to learn how to interact with people, to learn patience, and to learn that as a general rule - PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!!!  lol    Laugh and keep moving.

*  Don't care so much what other people think.  Do YOU!!!  Be YOU!!  And love every bit of you!  You really DON'T need the approval of anyone else.

*  When it comes to love - Don't EVER settle!  Be yourself and not what you think someone will love.  And if anyone EVER asks you WHY they should stay..... Walk away...... NO.... RUN AWAY!!! You NEVER need to convince anyone as to why they should love you.  If they question it, they aren't the right one.  Period.

*  Everyone should live alone.  How else do you learn that your mom will not always be there to take out your trash before you have attracted every rat in the neighborhood!  How else do you learn that there is a point in time when your sheets just aren't safe to sleep on anymore...... they actually HAVE to be washed!  How else do you learn that working is a VERY important aspect in keeping the lights on in your place!

*  Take care of your body!  Exercise.  Lift weights.  If you never have before, start now!  It is so good for you and no one really ever stresses that to you!  It is not only good for you health wise, but it's also a great stress reliever and does wonders for your endorphins.   They say there is no better anti-depressant than exercise.  Just do it.  (speaking of - in case you don't follow me on facebook, I have some GREAT powerlifting updates soon!)

**Most importantly....... enjoy EVERY step of your journey.   It is yours and yours alone.  No ones will be like yours and yours will be like no one elses!!!  Don't rush through the journey... take notes, keep a journal, do some things on a whim and be ready for the repercussions.  There will be bumps and set backs.  There will be days when no one can stop you.  Learn from it all and savor every moment.   Sooner than you think you will be planning YOUR 20 year reunion from high school!!

LIVE.   LAUGH.   LOVE!!!

She Designed a Life that she Loved

and she didn't even realize it.
*That's gonna be my new book title*!  LOL

You know - we have choices every day.
Some we take so seriously and some are just made on a whim....

But I realized today... I HAVE designed a life that I love!

I had a conversation with my son recently.  *he started college this year*
He is - as were almost all of us at that age - wondering about his path.
College... career.... school... CHOICES.
Those life altering decisions we make.
He's trying to find direction.  (and I applaud him for that!)

my advice....
"Sit back little one and enjoy the ride"

Don't get me wrong... we should have plans.
Goals.
a Focus.
Somewhere you desire to be in life.

But don't get so overwhelmed in WHERE you are going that you close your eyes and miss the journey.

I am 37 years old.

When I look back over my life .... just starting with high school graduation... it's as though I have lived a million little lives all rolled into my ONE big life!
And even though there were times that I didn't know HOW I would make it through... I did.
And I look at them now and smile.

When I graduated high school - I had NO idea who I was OR who or where I wanted to be.
I WAS caught up in the moment.
maybe a little TOO much  ;-)
And I definitely have scars from it.

But I smile now.

People often ask if you could go back and change things in your life, would you?
And everyone says NO.  "Everything happens for a reason"
and that is true.
But lets just be honest.
If you COULD, you WOULD.
You would take what you know NOW and USE IT for back when you didn't have a clue!
Don't lie!
It seems that you could be so much further in life with the knowledge that you have now.
On paper, that would just seem to make sense.

Maybe the heartaches wouldn't have hurt so bad....... you would have known better

Maybe the money would have gone to smarter places.... you would have been more financially wise
Maybe the time would have been better spent... you would be more together and organized
Maybe the lack of direction would have been shorter lived... you would have known where you wanted to be.

~ BUT ~

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

......maybe the heartaches TAUGHT you things and shaped your heart into what it is today... maybe they taught you to LOVE... to really LOVE.   Above and beyond no matter what.

Maybe that tender place you have in your heart for young single mothers would be dark and cold... maybe you learned COMPASSION.... on a whole other level.

Maybe the lack of direction and confusion that left you scared and bewildered TAUGHT you PATIENCE... maybe you learned to APPRECIATE a job and even more so a job with PASSION.

Maybe the waste of time that you spent bouncing around from jobs and people and places and circumstances TAUGHT you how to know a REAL friend when you see one.
Maybe that time "wasted" wasn't wasted at all.
Maybe you have memories that you can look back on and smile and know they never be replaced.

Maybe you wouldn't have had all those "nights at BW's with the best girls ever"
or those early morning shifts at Raffertys with people and managers that you STILL refer to today!

Maybe you wouldn't have all those memories with a son who KNOWS you better than almost anyone on this planet.  Maybe you wouldn't have the inside jokes about "Friends" or "Spongebob" or "late night drive bys" or "Nancy" or "Moach"

Maybe you couldn't look into your child's eyes and know there are lessons and morals and values and respect  and LOVE that YOU taught him... you showed him... you instilled into him.

Maybe the LOVE and PASSION and APPRECIATION and PRIDE and HONOR and COMPASSION and PATIENCE would not even be there today......

if you didn't Design a Life that you LOVE!

Dream big.

Make plans

Have goals

and know that EVERY decision you make is designing a life for you to love.

Know that when you are 18 or 22 or even 29 - you may not see it or understand it.
But you will....
That's what your 30's are for.

You will know who you are, where you are and what really is important.
And you will appreciate all of life's journey!

And on that note - I will soon be redesigning my blog in order to more accurately represent WHO I AM, what I stand for - and the life that I HAVE DESIGNED!!!

WHAT are YOU doing to your kids?!

WHO is the parent?
Are you letting everyone ELSE be the disciplinarian for your child?
Are you too busy?
too lazy?

I'm on my BOX today........

I recently heard that KY Athletics have passed a new rule that there is now no longer hand shaking allowed after sporting events.
I'm sorry........ WHAT?!!!!!!
No more "good game" pats on the butt??!!
Are you serious??
Because of FIGHTS.  THIS is where the rule came from?
Because of too many FIGHTS after sporting events???

ARE.  YOU.  KIDDING.  ME???????

Hey - I've got an idea...... why don't we take out the "good game" handshakes after the games AND give EVERYONE a trophy for PARTICIPATING!!!
JEEEEEEEEEEEEZ
I mean - we wouldn't want to HURT anyone's feelings!!!
Or offend a kid..... I mean PARENT or two!!!!!!

So rather than PUNISH the kids who don't know how to act.......
like hey - how about THROW THEM OFF OF A TEAM for fighting!!???....
yeah RATHER than punish those that don't know how to act.... let's punish ALL the kids and take away the last shred of sportsmanship we had left in our kids lives
Let's teach them that rather than punish those who don't know how to act and show THEM that there ARE repercussions to their actions......   rather than PUNISH them..... let's just teach ALL of our kids..... the ones that are playing sports for good reasons... let's teach them that sportsmanship is useless.
Stupid in fact.
A waste of time.
Not worth the effort.... or trouble!
Let's teach our little athletes growing up that it is all about YOU and the other team isn't worthy of your respect of even the time to shake their hands.
Let's teach them THAT LESSON as small children, so that IF they do grow up to play sports as a profession, or even if they DON'T  - they can KNOW ... for SURE.... without a doubt - that the game and the world is all about "ME".
"selfie generation"

WHAT are we doing to our kids?

WHERE are the parents standing up against this?
Is no one else at all offended about where the world is taking our children??

I'm surprised teachers are even allowed to give GRADES anymore...... for fear of making someone's child "feel stupid"!!!  I mean really......
your kid gets better grades than mine and it's not fair... it makes my son feel stupid.
We should stop giving grades.  It's JUDGMENTAL and punishing to some kids!!!
It's not FAIR!!!!!
NO - My kid does his homework and works his butt off for those A's....... your child is lazy and you are condoning that!!!

When did it happen that we as adults decided that we would revolve the WHOLE ENTIRE world around the kids?  When did we decide to start basing everything on them and what works for them?  When did we decide that discipline wasn't worth it?
It is too much trouble for you to teach your child right from wrong?  Is it just easier to let them do whatever they want and bend OUR lives to accommodate that?

What about the clip I found from Kelly Rippa on "LIVE with Kelly and Michael"??  She is discussing (or rather RANTING about) how some kids broke in and vandalized an NFL players house and then posted pics of themselves in the house..... drinking, destroying and living it up.  THEN the parents of said kids want to SUE the owner of the house saying that HE, the victim, might cost their children a chance at going to college....... because he exposed the kids!!!!!

WHAT?!!!

Here is the video....... watch it
you SHOULD be outraged!

GOSH - nevermind - I can't get the video to work - if you are friends with me on FACEBOOK you can find it on my facebook page.
STUPID.  just STUPID!!!

These kids DESTROYED someone else's property and exploited themselves on the Internet and then THEIR parents came to the rescue.  Defended them nonetheless.
WHAT??????????

These children will one day be the adults in our country!!!!!!!
These children will one day be our doctors... our lawyers.... our POLITICIANS..... they will make laws and oversee companies.
And they will believe that they are invincible.  Because this is what we are teaching them.

I just don't understand.

I LOVE my son with all my heart.  I do.
And I would do anything in the world to protect him and make life easier for him.

BUT
at the same time, I am his MOTHER.... not his best friend.  I am the parent.  It is my JOB to teach him right from wrong and to TEACH him how to survive in the world.

NOT to teach the WORLD to treat him as a GOD!

Are people really so consumed with making sure their kid "LIKES" them that they just can't say no?
Are people really so consumed with NEVER being the "bad guy" and NEVER telling their kid no.... no matter what it costs?

Are people really so LAZY that instead of parenting their OWN children, that they just let everyone else do it for them?

I mean really people.......
You are setting your children up for FAILURE!
You are teaching them NOTHING.

We are failing our children and our next generation.

I just don't get it.

I love Z.... but I have told him no.   And I will continue to do so
and he's EIGHTEEN!!!!!!!
I love my baby boy.... but I WILL let him grow up
I love him but I will be honest with him.

He will KNOW that there ARE consequences to MAKING MISTAKES!!!!
 and he will make them!
SO.  DID.  I.

It will HURT when he gets his heart broke and the world lets him down.
But he will KNOW that is life and he will move on.... rather than running to mom expecting her to change the world.
He will know.
He will understand

and he will be wiser and stronger for it.

Period.
Does that make ME the terrible parent???!!!

(drop the mic..... step down from podium...... WALK AWAY.... in disgust!)

 

There ARE people out there...

Wait.... WHAT?!
There are???

like this.....
(wait for it...)

I am in awe.
(keep waiting....)

Just yesterday I posted this blog 
(here is the link in case you missed it!)
I was fretting over my blog and some things that have happened in my life.
Worried about my lack of inspiration as of late...
And how I carry around all this bitterness and anger and resentment... and I feel like it's draining my soul.

My main point was that I felt like I needed to walk away from my blog... I felt like I had lack of direction or inspiration.  Like I had lost my original purpose in writing.
to inspire
to motivate
to truly share and wish the best for people.
I felt like there used to be all these people who followed me, and now suddenly - I don't hear from them anymore... do they still read?  Do they care?  Are they disappointed in me?

And then I got a text, a tweet actually, from my son whom has gone off to college ....
and doesn't "NEED" his mommy anymore.... cause that's what happen when they grow up - right??
And it said...

"I still enjoy your blogs. You should keep writing them, they have meaning to me."

And that's all it took.
to bring me back to where I should have been all along.

Sometimes we write (or speak) and we worry that we might say something wrong or hurt someones feelings or worry that someone will judge us or not want to be our friends anymore...
but HERE is the truth
We blog to be free.
I blog to be honest.
I blog to be me.
I blog to inspire.... to motivate... to be someone my son can be proud of.  
To be someone my son will look up to. 
I want him to know ME - the REAL ME.... not just what I chose for him to see...... I have always been honest with him... I always want him to know who I REALLY am.  Not just an "image" of what a mother "SHOULD be"
And if others do also - well.... that's just a bonus!  :)

So please allow me to continue to be me
to motivate... to inspire..... to be honest
and to NOT care if you judge me or don't like me or decide you don't want to be my friend anymore.

I am me.
Just me.(here is another link if you missed my cordial introduction of myself!  ha)
I vow to say what I feel and/or what I think
And if you can't handle it, go read someone else's thoughts!
Or just don't read MINE!

SO - After all that soul searching and some very sweet messages from some good friends of mine last night .... I happened to come across this video on facebook that someone had posted
And it broke my heart.   in a good way.
It reminded me that we are all "NOT PERFECT".
Whose job is it to decide what we are supposed to look like or act like anyway?  What is PERFECT?
We all make decisions and have thoughts that we ARE proud of... and some that we aren't!

We.  Are.  Human.

So I urge you to watch this....... have Kleenex on hand - TRUST ME on that!!!  It is especially dedicated to all you moms out there who have thoughts that you feel embarrassed to feel.
I was a single mom...... all of Zack's childhood!  And I raised a FINE OUTSTANDING young man..... of whom I couldn't be more proud.  But there are moments looking back that I DID make bad decisions.  There are moments that I am NOT proud of.  There are thoughts and decisions that I would DIE if someone had read my mind!  But they are real.  They are natural.  And it's OK.

I truly believe God gives his TOUGHEST battles to those of us who are the strongest....... and we rely SO MUCH on Him!!

Please follow the link below and read about the dad who found out his wife was pregnant with a child with Down Syndrome.  He is very honest about his feelings and the battles he fought within.
HE is a man who inspires me.
For his honesty... for his FIGHT... and for his heart overflowing with LOVE and understanding.  And I know that all the speed bumps they will encounter ahead may trip him up.... but this video proves that LOVE is stronger than anything.
And there is NOTHING stronger in the world - than the LOVE of a child.
whether it be your own by birth, your own through adoption, whether it be your nieces, your nephews, your best friends baby girl or boy.....
I promise you - there is NOTHING in the world GREATER!

Enjoy the video and I hope it touches you and makes YOU a stronger person! And if the case may be - a STRONGER PARENT.

This Guy Writes a Confession Letter to His Daughter with Down Syndrome

I bid you ADIEU!

Today I would like to (and NOT like to) say Goodbye...
Farewell.
Adieu.
So long!
.....to soooo many things!!

First of all...... I have some baggage that I need to get rid of.
Some resentment.  A few hurt feelings.  A little bit of bitterness.

All tied up with a pretty little bow!
Letting someone hurt you should only happen one time.  Right?!

And once it is over... Its happened.. you've been hurt... It's OVER

And the longer you carry around that hurt and bitterness... The longer you are in turn hurting yourself.
Self-inflicted.
There are several people that are IN my life and some that are LONG GONE that have hurt me.  Whether it be big or little.... it hurt the same.  Sometimes it was ONE single small incident.  Sometimes it was REPEAT offenses that just kept coming!  

But in the end... all that was left was me being let down and hurt.  Disappointed.
And rather than leaving it there... I have carried it. 
I packed it up in a pretty little ANGRY package and I just drag it around with me everywhere I go.
I remember.
Sometimes I unpack it and hold it and roll it around and play with it..... and remember.
And I let it HURT me all over again.

I'm tired of being angry and hurt.  

I'm tired of putting faith in people who have let me down. 

I'm tired from carrying around all that baggage. 

Secondly .... I would like to say goodbye to people who I once thought were my friends.  As it turns out they were just there out of circumstance and not by choice.  They didn't choose to be my friend, they chose to speak if the opportunity presented itself but that is about as far as it went.  These are people I will now refer to as circumstantial acquaintances.  My biggest problem, or what I've been harboring you might say.... is when they were no longer associated with me... I took it personal. Like I wasn't a good enough person for them to be my friend by choice.  They befriended others but conveniently stopped having time for me. And it hurt. And I've gone on wondering what I could've or should've done different.  And I've carried that with me.  

Today I say goodbye to those circumstantial acquaintances and accept the fact that you can't be friends with someone who wasn't your friend to start with.  

And I will vow not to take it personal.

You see, contrary to popular belief, I am somewhat sensitive.  LOL
Because you see when I am your friend and loyal to you - I consider that a forever thing.  I consider you to be my friend FOREVER.  Not just my friend by convenience.  Not just my friend when certain things are certain ways... or whatever.

Anyway - long story short - I am giving up those bags that I've been carrying around with me.  Throwing them in the river and walking away.
I refuse to let other peoples decisions be personal to me.

And finally - the other thing I'm seriously considering goodbye to......
.... is my blog.
I love my place to run and vent and scream and yell and cry...  and to share and motivate and inspire.
But as of late it seems my place has gone stale.
I don't know why.... but I feel like it's stagnant here.  Like no one reads or cares anymore.  And even if they do stumble by to read... it's really of no value.

I don't feel like I motivate or inspire people here anymore.
I don't feel like people come here when they've had a bad day and say... "Thanks Tammy - I feel better".

Maybe I WAS carrying around too much bitterness and resentment of my own to BE inspiring?
Maybe I still do.......

I feel good about ME.  I am happy with where I am and who I am right now.
I am proud of my motivation and how far I have come and the things I have survived.
But for some reason.... it doesn't seem to be inspirational to anyone anymore.
And that was my goal for this blog.
To share my life.
The ups.... the downs.... the wrongs.... the rights....
To give people hope when there is none.
To show people you CAN survive and you CAN do anything......

But I don't know.....
lately I just don't feel like I'm very inspiring.

So I often wonder..... what good IS my blog.

Has it run it's course?
Is it time for a good old fashioned farewell here too......... time to walk away?
Another chapter closed?

Because for me....... if it's not inspiring.... if it's not uplifting..... if it's not sharing things with YOU that make you better or make you see things better... I've lost my purpose here.

Every NEW day... is NEW learnin!

As I have grown up... I've gone through many MANY phases!!
Haven't we ALL!!!!
Many things that I hated as a child - I learned to LOVE as an adult.  And vice versa!
Funny how that works.
Many things you took for granted as a kid - you sure do miss as an adult!  (lack of responsibility, no real worries.... and NAPS!  Man I miss NAPS!)

Anyway - almost every child hated SCHOOL growing up... you hated getting up, you hated going, you hated homework, who needs to learn Algebra?!  or about History?!
... really it's that whole tip-toeing into adulthood there that we loathe!!

But never the less, we all grow up and we have to begin to take responsibility for ourselves.  You now have things that YOU have to do... no one can/will do them for you.  Buy a house, buy a car, pay your bills, the list goes on and on.....

One thing that I have learned to LOVE as I've grown up is LEARNING!
the SCHOOL of.... LIFE!
*Let's not even touch on how I must LOVE to learn things the HARD way though!*   sigh....

I always joke about how I know a little bit about a LOT of things..... and this is because I just love to learn about things. (and then I lose interest quickly... I contribute that to my ADD!  lol)
I also for some inherent reason think that I AM capable of doing anything.
I might learn the hard way
I might make mistakes
I might not understand right out of the gate....
BUT
given the time and the patience and a few million grains of salt.....
I eventually figure things out
and THAT is the GREATEST feeling in the world.

I am finding this to be ALL TOO TRUE in powerlifting.

Here is my journey so far in a nutshell.

Day 1 - Didn't want to do it.  Didn't have a CLUE about it and didn't CARE to!
(I just wanted to train for a 6 pack - as does EVERY girl!  well... every girl WANTS one, just maybe not to TRAIN for one!)
Meet 1 - Did a meet with my boyfriend (for his birthday present because that's what he wanted)
HOOKED
The end.
ha ha

Kidding.......
Though that really WAS all it took me to get hooked; my competitive "I can do anything" nature took hold.
And I began REALLY training.... to pick up HEAVY WEIGHTS!!

And in the beginning....... being NEW and all.... it was PR after PR after PR!!!  (aka Pat on the Back, after Pat on the Back, after Pat on the Back... you're AWESOME!)
Guys... that's easy when you've never done a DEADLIFT in your life!!!
But ALAS..... over time...... those easy PR's don't come so EASY.
And I have found myself frustrated and overwhelmed by disappointment in myself.

I struggled so much (and still do) with my bench... my number wasn't going up and I couldn't figure out why.  I trained to get stronger but I still couldn't get the bench number up.  So I focused on form.  And I FINALLY feel better in my form so now it's just GET STRONGER!  (and of course PERFECTING that form I worked so hard on!)
and ...... NOW - I'm struggling with my squat.  I'm at a standstill.  I hit a number in February.....SEVEN MONTHS ago - that I have only hit a couple of times since... and definitely nothing ABOVE that number.  It's very frustrating.  Add on top of that a constant criticism of my form.  I can't seem to sit BACK in my squat!  I'm ashamed to tell you how many times recently I've had to walk away from the bar (in tears) and go "walk it off"!!  (in Tammy terms.... that means CRY!  that's how I show anger and frustration... FRUSTRATION at its finest!)

And then today - I was reminded....... I am doing things I never dreamed I could do!!
I have picked up 300 pounds off the ground (off boxes)   but that's 300 POUNDS!  Are you kidding me?!

Today someone said to me "I've been following your training."  And in just THAT one simple comment - I was reminded ....
I'm STILL LEARNING TOO!!!!!!!!!
And so are others!!!

I also saw something posted by a powerlifting trainer that reminded me... the learning comes over years... not in just a few months.  So much to learn.  So much to improve.  Constant training and learning and bettering myself to come...

I have been powerlifting for LESS than ONE year.   ONE
And although in my MIND I think I am invincible and capable of the IMPOSSIBLE ..... I am not.
There are things that just take time!! patience!  Grrrrrr
I have a TERRIBLE tendency to look online at these girls that lift insanely huge amounts of weights with beautiful form... and then I carry that to the gym with me.
And it's like trying to be a supermodel walking the runway on stilettos without ever wearing a pair of heels before...  it doesn't just happen overnight!


You know how they say life knocks you down and makes you stronger... and if that's the case, I should be able to bench press a BUICK!
Well I think life teaches you lessons EVERY SINGLE DAY and makes you SMARTER!!!  You know how as a kid you thought adults were so stupid and didn't know anything!!!  Well...... I wish I could take the KID version of myself and knock myself over the head with every adult that ever tried to TEACH me anything. You just can't be THAT smart until life has TAUGHT you about LIFE!
Period.


So in conclusion - I have learned alot this week!  About life and the sport of Powerlifting.

I've learned that EVERYTHING takes time and patience...and that's a good thing.  When things are handed to you on a silver platter with no effort, they just don't seem quite as dear to you.

I've learned that when you have a bad day, you should always remember that someone somewhere is watching your every move and comparing themselves to you.  Remember to SHINE!

I've learned that no matter how much you are disappointed in yourself - there is always someone out there that is proud of you and envies something about you.  And that is motivation.

I've learned that getting down on yourself about anything only destroys you and your confidence.  And it's just not worth it.  We all have bad days.

AND - I have learned that just when you think you have NOTHING to give or show for all your hard work, just when you least expect it........ life will SHOW you that everything you have fought for is worth every single minute!!!!!

**I did a mock meet last night..... and without going into much detail, I hit my biggest bench EVER, my biggest deadlift EVER, I matched my highest squat (with some still in the tank - and left it because I've been struggling with my squat), AND I hit my BIGGEST TOTAL EVER!!!**

Life will give you JUST enough to make you stronger...... not KILL YA!  Trust it!

In the words of DRE....... "it was a good day"

REAL is the new BLACK!

The interwebz might just BE the devil!

It's kinda like Hollywood; it's not always real life!!
It's really easy to photoshop that 6-pack and paint on that sunshiny smiley face and fake out some motivational "quotes"!

Maybe I AM too hard on myself...
*OK OK _ I AM too hard on myself*   
BUT I guess that is what has always kept me striving to be better!  STRONGER!  

And at the same time - it can also put me on my knees in a heartbeat!!

I don't NEED anyone else to judge me or criticize me, I do it enough myself!
*which is also probably why I get SOOOO defensive when someone DOES criticize me!*
hmmmmmm - WOW - I just had a revelation there!!!

Anyway......

As many of you know (if you follow me or know me AT ALL)
I am divorced.
The big "D" word!!! 
NOT knocking ANYONE out there who IS divorced... because shit happens.  We all know that.  Sometimes divorce is out of your hands.  It was OUT of mine.  I didn't make the decisions that took me down that road.  Nevertheless, that "D word"... that "check the box"... that "defining" of me STILL bothers me today.   NOT because I was wrong,
And definitely NOT because I'm not happier now that I've ever been!
~I have a guy that is like none other!  He loves me, respects me, is there for me...... he's my best friend!  He makes ME a better person.~
But MORE because I think it makes me feel like I failed at something.  I don't like that.  Period.  It makes me feel damaged.  Broken.  Not worthy.
And I hate that feeling.
I hate that I LET someone make me feel that way.
I know it's up to ME to change that feeling..... but sometimes it gets the best of me.  EVEN when I know I'm better off and that was a road I should have never gone down.  EVEN then... I tend to self inflict that pain and the act of "failing"

(yes yes - I'm twisted  - I KNOW!!!)

Anyway - I have digressed.... here is what I'm getting at.

I get on Instagram and the Interwebz and I see all these girls...... some SMALLER than me... lifting these ridiculously INSANE pounds of weights!! **And it inspires me** 
I go to the gym and I KNOW that it's possible because I've seen it done!  Then I get under a light weight and learn that my form is crap.  I'm not low enough... I'm not sitting back enough... I'm not square enough... my elbows are not where they should be....  I'm not progressing. 
My numbers don't go up.
Am I not working as hard as those girls?
Do I not have what it takes?
Am I NEVER going to get a correct form down?
Will I EVER be someone that people look at and are inspired?

FRUSTRATING!!!

I'm NOT just going through the motions.  I do work hard. 

I work out 4 days a week.... for 3+ hours at a time!!! 
Maybe I should go to seven?

I lift hard when I'm there. 
Maybe it's not hard enough?

So I go... I do what I planned to do as far as my work out goes..... sometimes I even do extra.
But then some nights... it's as though I can't do ANYTHING right. 
I'm NEVER going to feel comfortable. 
I'm never going to feel confident.
Weights are a funny thing like that....
I go in one night not even wanting to be there.... I wanted to stay home.  And I PR on deadlift.
Then I go in another night feeling confident in my squat... only to have the Nazi police yell "LOWER"... and all is crushed.  The confidence I felt is gone.
I immediately feel like I can't get it right.....

{INSERT LIFE}

and the carry over.....
some days....
I feel like I've screwed up there too!

Please don't read this and think I'm just having a PITY PARTY for myself today.
That is not it at all.

I just think we are ALL guilty of getting on the dang INTERWEBZ and seeing people who INSPIRE us......but unfortunately - like the airbrushed people in the magazines - the SUNSHINE and RAINBOWS isn't always REAL!!!!  We have to remember that!
ESPECIALLY us as women!!!
Not just in lifting weights - but in LIFE!

Yes - that girl is "happily" married to HUNKY McDREAMY..... but no-one knows that he beats the crap out of her at night?!!  She puts on a pretty face and we think her world is perfect!  And we wonder why WE can't have HUNKY McDREAMY?

Yes - that tiny little girl lifts more than you and has ABS of STEEL.... but her mom died last year and she still struggles NOT to go home and drink a bottle of vodka every night before bed!  And we wonder how or WHY she spends SO much time in the gym?

We all have battles and daily struggles.  Right?!!

So - sure it's nice to get online and SHINE your beautiful light to inspire girls all around you.
But - let's be real too.
I WANT to inspire people
but I want to be REAL too.
When I'm feeling DOWN and FRUSTRATED - I say I'm down and FRUSTRATED.   I'm not gonna FAKE sunshine to cover up my tears!
I LOVE to lift...
I WANT to be a GREAT powerlifter!! 
I want people to be INSPIRED
But I don't want people to think I just woke up one day and deadlifted 300 pounds!  and it was EASY!
It's NOT!
There are DEFINITELY nights that I feel like I'm wasting my time and I spend more of the night in TEARS than in confident SMILES!!

I want to be OK with being divorced and the decisions I've made!
I want to be OK with slow progress in the gym.
But some days - they get the best of me and I want to punch a car!!
Some days facing those decisions and seeing those failures HURTS..... and I won't pretend that it doesn't..

I want you to believe ANYTHING is possible
But I don't want you to think it's ALWAYS going to be easy.
I will strive to INSPIRE - but I will also always strive to be REAL

Some may see that as WEAK and vulnerable.
I just think it's REAL
and isn't it about time that we ALL got REAL with each other!

but WAIT!! STOP ~ NO ~ I'm not ready!!!

I don't feel like a "college kid" MOM!

BUT.....
the time is quickly approaching

...the inevitable is going to happen

...it was bound to come.

I should have been more prepared....

I'm so happy...

but  nervous.... and scared....

I feel accomplished and OH SO PROUD!!!

but EMPTY...

and WEIRD?

Cause I don't feel like I have a kid in college!!!
DO I?
I mean.... How could I?
I'm only 27 myself!!!  (ha ha haaaaaaaaa)

In all honesty - I do only feel like I should be 27 most days.  (some call that denial... I call it eternal YOUTH!  RIGHT?!!  ha ha )  I mean my best friends are getting married and having babies!!
And I'm just over here like...... WHEN is my baby moving out?

{insert big SAD frowny face!}

ohhhhhhhh man.......
it's my baby boy.
My pride.  My joy.  My one stable thing that's always been there.
We've been through so much together....
We've kinda grown up together...
he knows far more than he should and yet it could NEVER be enough for him to be on his own...

He only JUST graduated 8th grade......

RIGHT??!!

or....OK - HIGH SCHOOL.....
but I mean...... he's still only 18!

Not ready to be eaten alive by this great big MEAN world!!!

I could almost hyperventilate just thinking about it.

at 18.......

The things I did.
The places I went.
The people I met
The STUPID decisions I made.

He CAN'T be ready.
Can he??


Then I remember when I was 18.  And how ready I was to face the world.  I didn't know a DANG thing, but I held my head high and I walked out and met the world head on.
Things I didn't know, I learned as I went.
Things I did know - turned out to be WRONG so I just learned them again! (and again... and AGAIN if need be!)

I made right choices and wrong choices...
I made good friends and bad friends...
There were ups and there were downs....
High times and LOW times....

But all in all....... I faced the world... and today, although there are still fights and struggles from time to time  - I feel like I came out AHEAD!!!  WINNING!!!!!!
I survived it!
And for most of that -  I can thank my parents for raising me to be the STRONG compassionate Christian I am today.
I can thank them for teaching me to be independent
...for teaching me to get back up when you fall down
....for teaching me to not take NO for answer when it's something you believe in...

I thank my parents and friends along the way for WHO I AM TODAY!

And I have raised that baby boy to BE the man he is growing into.

I raised him to see the good all around him.
I raised him to see the good in people and appreciate the beauty in that.  It's rare.
I raised him not to take things for granted.
I raised him to understand that not everything comes easy and one wrong decision can land you in hard times...
I raised him not to judge those who have come upon hard times...
I raised him to treat everyone as equals...
I raised him to understand that some people will do ANYTHING to get ahead, but sometimes "anything" isn't worth it in the end.

Be good.

Be honest.

Be trustworthy.

Be respectful.

Be loyal.

And most of all, stand true to that moral, God-fearing, passionate, good-hearted soul that makes me so proud to call you my SON!

So if you see me or talk to me on Sunday and I'm crying or seem sad.....

Know that I'm not SAD.

Know that those are tears of joy and there could not be another person on this planet more proud of that young man as he steps out MY front door to face this great big world on his own.

I love you ZackCoolio!!!  :) 

I will miss that quirky little boy and all the WEIRD things we've done though his growing up years.... all the silly things that make him JUST LIKE ME.  Mama's boy... my spitting image.  All the "traditions" that he will carry with him.  Some he will still come home for... and some he will hopefully pass on to his family one day.  Never forget the times growing up and always cling to those hard lessons learned.  And the many more to come.  They give you backbone and make you YOU!



Hold on to Spongebob and Scooby and Little League and the Green Car and Nancy's and when times get hard and you think you can't go on... Put on some Pink Floyd so loud that Nancy can hear it and know that "this too shall pass"

Hold on to this quilt full of road trips and ballparks and MEMORIES every night you are away and remember I have always been your BIGGEST fan and I always will be!

Don't be afraid to be a LOSER.. and teach your kid to be one!

Why don't we teach our kids to lose?   to fail?  that life isn't fair?
I always worried when Z was growing up about how I was gonna pay the bills.  Don't we all!  But I didn't want HIM to worry; that's my job as the parent.... to worry.  So I tried to protect him from it.  And I would go without in order for him to have things so he didn't have to know how tough it was to make ends meet!
WHY?
for what?
Because - and I give you this - we ALL agree that we don't want our kids to worry about stuff like that.  We want them to enjoy their childhood.  To "have it better than we had it"
but WHY??

Now I'm not saying go tell your kids a sob story to make them feel bad about themselves... I'm just saying be honest.  Teach them to WORK for things (I need to practice this too!).  Teach them the value of work and money and having things.  Teach them things don't ALWAYS come easy!

Was your life REALLY that tough?
I mean - growing up - maybe you thought it was... but seriously - it WASN'T!
I was blessed... and very lucky!  Though I would have NEVER told you that growing up.
I know now.

I have two brothers, both of which are very athletic and always played sports growing up.
One brother was always on the "winning" teams;  and the other was always on the "losing" teams
The one that was always on a winning team, doesn't lose well  (hard to imagine I know)
The one who participated in "losing" more, had a tough time growing up and dealing with it (he's sensitive!)... he got his feelings hurt, he got down, he got frustrated...
But on the flip side - when he won - OH he was so happy.  He learned to APPRECIATE winning.  And with time, he learned how to lose and how to use that to DRIVE himself to be better.
He learned that sometimes you have to WORK for things... they don't always come easy!
My other brother always expects to win.  He HAS to win.... God love him we (me and my siblings) are ALL very competitive - but let him lose at a board game or cards or whatever we might be doing - he is NOT a good "loser"  ;-)  {Love ya CG}
That doesn't make him a bad person - it's just that life handed him a different hand.
You live what you learn!

As parents, often times we do this with our children.  Not just in sports but with everything they experience growing up.
They do something wrong - we make excuses for them.... because you don't want your kid to get in trouble for something.  We worry that it looks bad on us as parents... rather than worrying about what we are teaching our children.
They don't do good in a game, and we pat them on the back and tell them they are the BEST even if they messed up.
Now - don't get me wrong here.... don't jump ship thinking I'm a HORRIBLE person and a TERRIBLE mom...  Don't judge!
I'm all about positive reinforcement.  I'm all about boosting ego and making children feel good about themselves and building self esteem.
But there is a line.
If your kid doesn't practice for the big game, or recital, or play or whatever it may be that they are involved in - don't make excuses for them.  They didn't put in the work.   Tell them so.
Otherwise, it teaches them that they don't have to TRY
That everything should just come easy
It teaches them to belittle people who DO work hard... it teaches them to play VICTIM!
It's NOT OK to NOT be prepared.
Period.
"I love you and you're very talented, but you didn't earn first place today."
One thing that drives me CRAZY is trophies!
Since when does every team get a trophy?!!
Things (not just sports) are set up to be a competition... for a reason.
There is a winner, and welcome to reality - there ARE losers!!!
(Loser is NOT a curse word... it simply means someone did better than you... in other words - WORK HARDER!)

It's preparation for life!

When you got your job - did you INTERVIEW for it?  Did others interview for it?
Someone WINS (gets the job) and someone LOSES (doesn't get the job)
Shouldn't we PREPARE our children for this?

There aren't consolation prizes in life!

Shouldn't we prepare them to lose?  So they know what to DO with that loss??

{{step down off of soap box}}

I know I got off on a bit of a rant there... but the whole sense of "entitlement" that children present themselves with these days is out of control.
Kids that sit on the couch and demand snacks to be delivered to them... kids that demand the newest video game that's out.... kids that REQUIRE the newest and best car at 16!

Is life really THAT easy?
Should we prepare them to believe that it is.

Life isn't fair
and you DO have to WORK for things you WANT in life.

Teach your kids that it's OK to LOSE.
And then teach them what to DO with that loss...
teach them to use that loss
to DRIVE them
to PUSH them harder...
to WORK harder....
to WANT more from life!!

Teach them to lose.   It's ok

I have recently started power lifting...
The only thing I wanted for my birthday (yesterday) was to be able to bench 100 pounds....
It's all I thought about yesterday.
I've trained
I mentally thought about it and did the lift it in my head all day
And I got to the gym last night.... and I made my attempt
and I FAILED.

I could let that crush my spirit and walk away defeated.  Frustrated.  MAD.
But I will instead (and have already) do some research... talk to people more experienced than me.... ask questions... figure out what else I can do to reach my goal.

I will use that FAILURE to catapult me to be even better.

It's ok to fail.... it's what you do with that failure that matters the MOST!

Here is my failure.   I shared it on a public forum to get advice and tips from those more experienced than me... and I have already, in less than 24 hours, taken this failure and turned it into a plan to BE BETTER.

BE a loser - and teach your kid to be one too!

To be a good loser, is to learn how to WIN.   

~Carl Sandburg~

From tween... to teen.... to real life?

We have all heard that old saying a million times....
"don't judge another, for you don't know their journey"

Do you remember being in high school and that's literally ALL people did???  We judged.  Each other.  Who's cool?  Who's not cool?   Who can you talk to and who will you NEVER talk to at school?
"WHAT is she wearing?"  "What label is that?"
"He will never date me, I'm not a cheerleader".
"I can't date her, she doesn't run with the right crowd!"
OH the terrible terrible judgemental games we played as teens!!
Even those that THINK they didn't judge because they WEREN'T defined as cool, and they DIDN'T run with that crowd... they chose their own path and did their own thing - don't lie.  By boycotting the "cool crowd" you too are judging!
Oh what a vicious cycle!!!
The sad part is - in all that judging - you have NO IDEA what is going on inside those people you are judging.

So you grow up (RIGHT?).  You graduate high school and you enter the rat race.  Real life.  Whether it be college or a job or whatever path you might choose.
You move on.
You leave those high school friends, and enemies.
Some you may see again, but most you won't.
And all those judgements and sleepless nights and worries melt away.
And all you are left with are the hurtful things that you said to another AND/OR the hurtful things that were said to you.
That's it.
All the judgement.

I remember I had a really good friend whom I loved dearly.  We will call her BETH.   I was, just as many others, a freshman trying to fit in. Trying to find my place on this new journey.   And I don't know how I did it, but I did.  I hurt BETH.  I made her feel like she wasn't good enough.... which is ironic because I always thought she was cooler than me.   I found a note one day on the bus that she had written to a boy I liked.   And it said "I think Tammy Green is a snob.  Do you?"
Now I can laugh (kinda) at the immaturity of it all.
But the day I found it, it broke me.   Mostly because someone I liked and thought was cool obviously didn't like me anymore....and I had obviously done something to make her feel that way... and she used the word "snob" about me??  Which was the LAST thing I considered myself.
I never asked her about it but we weren't really friends after that
We grew apart.
For many other reasons I'm sure.... but mainly for that one simple word - "judgement"
I judged her.  She judged me.
And for what???

It's funny - I see her on occasion now.... and ALL I can remember is that note.   Not the fun things we did or how far we have come in life - but the first thing in my mind is always that NOTE.  And as stupid as it is... it STILL hurts my feelings today!

You would think all those lessons we learn in high school would make us better people.  Actually some lessons do.  But what I don't understand is after all the judging and hurtful things that we do and survive in high school - why does the judgement continue?

Is it just the way of the world???

When I got divorced, the hardest part for me, as I'm sure is with many - was that "stigma" that comes with being "divorced".  People will think I FAILED!  I felt like everyone would look at me like I had done something wrong.  Like I must be some evil spawn that someone couldn't stomach being with forever.  And let's not fail to mention the spiritual wounds that diminished my spiritual walk because I felt like I failed and disappointed God too!

Over the past few weeks, I have heard story after story after story of things about people.... some that are good and some I wish I never knew.
But mostly - it has reminded me that judging others is sooooo hurtful and damaging - and just plain wrong.  We are so guilty of looking at others and being jealous or wishing we had the life of someone else.  How many times have you looked at someone and said  "He/She is soooo lucky!!"
And ohhhh how many times we look at someone and say "OH MY.  I would NEVER do that!!"
You don't know.
You haven't walked their path.... you're not on their journey.

Don't assume.
As good as life is for us all - it is also bad.  And hard.  And everyone hurts.
Remember - not everything is as it appears on the outside.

Just as much as you hurt and worry what others think or worry what others will "find out" about you - so is the person next to you.

Love unconditionally.
Pray for everyone you know.
And for the love of everyone around you - stop JUDGING!!

Focus on the good in your life and how lucky and blessed you are.
If it wasn't for the rainy days and the storms, it would be hard to appreciate the SUNSHINE!!! 

And for any of you young high school kids that might somehow stumble upon this page.... when you are in school, don't fret over if you're cool or not cool.  Don't think you have to do things to impress someone else.  Follow your heart.  Love unconditionally.  Treat others as you would want to be treated.  Don't judge your classmates, you don't know what they go home to every day!!!

Just don't judge.

Pouring my heart up and Linking up with Shell over at

My pen runs dry sometimes.....

I go through phases where I want to write.......
in fact I NEED to write..... It's so therapeutic!

and then I  LULL again.....
(perhaps that is why I can't keep a faithful following on my blog???)

I want to write - I like to write - I love to share....
(secret fantasy.... I would love to write a book)
I love to pour out my heart and reach out my hands for others.
It's who I am.  It's what I do.

But sometimes... the words just won't come.

So I read.

I open my blog and I find myself reading old blogs and thinking back to where I've been and just like the title of blog.... finding myself today on paths that I never expected.
And I can't write.
It's too much
It's overwhelming.

Like really OVERWHELMING - think about it....
if you could today go back and talk to your 5 year younger self.... what would you say??/

So many pits you could tell yourself to avoid.
So many decisions you might make differently.
AND so many things that I'd wanna say  "OHHHH just wait!!!  It's gonna be GREAT!"

Its so funny and amazing how it all makes sense one day!

In the middle of that journey, in the middle of those valleys you will pass through....
if only you knew how GREAT life would be in 5 years... or 10..... or maybe just in 1!!
If only you could see how those lessons are shaping you and preparing you for what's next!!!

It's fantastic!!!

I LOVE having a blog.....a journal of my life.  There is nothing better than going back and reading something you experienced 3 years ago and smiling because of where you have come since then!!

Sooooo....... over the next few days, I have some of my most popular and inspirational blogs prepared to REpublish!!!!  Some of you may have missed them the first time.  And some of you might just need to read them again!  I know I did!!!

Feel free to be INSPIRED!!!!!!

Actions speak louder than Words

It's that age old "saying" that we have all heard a million times.
Think about it....
Actions DO speak louder than words!!!

And no matter how many times we hear it, we still.... or at least I do - WANT to believe and see the best in people and their words.  Maybe it gives me hope for humanity... who knows?!!
But I have always found myself to be a pretty trusting person.

When someone gives me their word or promises to be there or do something - I guess I put stock in that and trust them. 
I TRUST their words.

And sometimes, the actions to follow don't coincide with those words.

Yet still........ I keep the faith and see the best in people.
Whether it be the same person over and over again.... or someone I just met
I just try to believe that there is good in everyone.

At least I always have....
And I guess I do still HOPE.
But then I ran across this quote and I got to thinking.......
YEP
yep.... how very VERY true.

And it doesn't pertain to just men in the literal sense (although all the man-haters out there can definitely take this and run with it!  ha)   Hey I just speak the truth  ;-)
Anywho....
THIS quote pertains more to life and what we see in people (mankind) as a whole....
Here it is .....
the profound quote to leave with you today!!!

 As I grow older I pay less attention to what men say.  

I just watch what they do.  

~Andrew Carnegie~

There are so many men people out there that profess over and over "I am this" or "I am that" or "I want this" or "I want that"

and I am learning........ NOT to put stock in that.

Sure I am still somewhat trusting and hopeful.  Yeah - I will still see the best in people.... I am filled with love and hope and optimism.  But it doesn't mean that I'm a pushover.

(and you are sorely mistaken if you thought I was!)

It also means that the actions that I SEE now and pay MORE attention to, mean so much more to me than the 10,000 words and empty promises you can spill.

Words can temporarily fill you with love and make you feel sooooo special.  

And words can temporarily break you into tiny tiny pieces in an instant (I have a teenager at home.. I KNOW!)

BUT there is nothing in the world better than someone actually SHOWING you every day that you mean the world....  not just saying it - but showing you.... actions.... over and over again.

Even if the words hurt sometimes... the actions have shown you otherwise.

And THAT is so much more comforting than just empty words.

That is what I watch.

That is what matters.

And when I focus on THAT........ I have never felt so positive and hopeful regarding everyone and everything in my life!!  I am blessed  :-)

And so are you.  

You just have to choose to see the actions that count and refuse to listen to the words that don't!

I am NO parent.....

I am but HUMAN....

I must admit, there are times when I love who I am today because of choices I have made... I am strong, I am independent, I am successful, I am a MOM.
But there are also days when I wish I could take so many of those steps back.
They brought me here.. and sometimes break me here.....

I have walked down a road that I never expected to walk.
I did bring a child into this world at a very young age.
I KNOW how hard it's been and I KNOW how hard I've tried.  And I'm proud of that.  Because I know there are so many other ways things could have gone.

I also KNOW how many times I failed.  I know how many times I've cried.  I know how bad it's hurt....
And I feel it when the world crashes around me.

I've gone to the wrong places, I've had the wrong friends, I've made bad decisions and I've walked the wrong roads.... I have not and will not ever claim to be perfect.

so..... before you speak....
Who are you to judge?
 Do YOU want to walk my road?
Who are you to hurt me?

When you've grown up and moved away from home and can tell me you DON'T have nights where you lie awake feeling the guilt and pain from the heartache you inflicted on your parents,
THEN you can tell me how YOU were the perfect child.

When you grow up and raise children of your own and they never talk back and never break rules and never break your heart -
THEN you can tell me how YOU are the perfect parent.

Until then - don't judge me and don't tell me how you would do things different.
It just hurts.
I don't need to relive every mistake I've made.  I don't need to be told how I mess up every day.
I can only do the best that I know how to do...
One day at a time.

I found this from another blog and had to share........

You have not walked in my shoes
You have not been down my road.
You have not cried my tears.
You have not carried my load.
Why do you judge me?

You think you know my story.
You think you know my pain.
You think you know my future.
You don't even know my name.
Why do you judge me?

You were not there to see me stumble
You were not there to see me fall.
You were not there to pick me up.
You were not there at all.
Why do you judge me?

Copyright April 2010.  All rights reserved by Sam Bristow

Hold on to FAITH...

What about the days when the best you can do is scrounge change from the couch cushions to buy your baby boy a 40 cent canned coke from a coke machine that you have to walk down the street to get to?

What about when you get in your car to head to work and the gauge is on E... and you pray the whole way that you make it... cause you literally don't have $1 for gas??  and then you pray for at least $10 in tips that day so you can get home?

What about the day you go in for work and are told you no longer have a job because the place is closing down??

What about the day you finally sit down and collapse realizing your life has become a joke.. Everything you had hoped and dreamed of is nothing but a puff a smoke blown away?

What about the day you have to take a cab to work.... but first you have to take the cab to daycare to drop off your child... because you no longer have a vehicle??

What about when you sit down to pay out your bills and you realize - your income vs your outflow just doesn't add up?

How about realizing your almost half way through life, you hate your job, you're alone... and basically heading no where... THIS is what your life has become??

What about ALL those nights you have cried yourself to sleep because no matter how HARD you try, no matter how many GOOD decisions you think you make, no matter how many TIMES you pray.... all you can do is look up to heaven and wonder....
"Dear Lord why have you forsaken me??"  
Or even worse, "God - are you even there???"

Have you been there?
Do you ever just wanna throw your hands up and just GIVE UP?
Do you know that heart breaking, gut wrenching pain??!!
I do.
I could go on and on with scenario after scenario.... of days when I thought I couldn't look for tomorrow.  Days when I felt that I had literally failed in life.  Days when I was ashamed that my child had ME to look up to... me, a failure to be his role model.  And even worse, those days when I thought there couldn't be a God and if there was - he sure didn't care about me!!!

But here's the good news.

HE IS THERE - and HE DOES CARE!!!!!!

And although I felt like I failed time and time again.... HE was right there beside me, crying with me.  Holding my hand.  Carrying me when I could no longer walk....
Watching me try... watching me fall and picking me up... watching make good decisions and watching me make bad ones.  But never judging and never forsaking me....

Do you know how I know this?

I know this because ALL those trials and rough times I went through... all those tears and heart aches... they ALL, every single one, brought me right where I am today.
And I have a new perspective.
You see - there were days when I didn't know how I would pay my bills.  There were many things I lost and many things I did without through those years....  I swallowed alot of pride.
BUT - I can look back now and know - even through all of that - God was taking care of me.
I worked hard, I gave everything I was capable of giving, I took care of my baby boy and made sure HE was always fed and clothed and most importantly LOVED.

And I see now - God was taking care of us both.

ALL of those paths I walked down... the twists, the turns, the backflips.... they all added up to where I am and WHO I am today.

And for that reason - I know my God is real.  I know he has sheltered and protected me from many things.  Even on those days when I thought it couldn't have gotten any worse, perspective shows me that YES - it could in fact be worse!!!

I kept my head up, kept praying and kept trusting that God had a plan bigger than me.
And from where I sit today - his plan was way more perfect than anything I could have done on my own!!

Ask me if there is a God
Ask me if he is real
Ask me HOW I, a single mother on my own at 19.... got through school, raised an awesome young man, bought my own house, paid off a vehicle and now go to work every day to a job I love surrounded by an awesome group of co-workers!!
And ask me about being loved and surrounded by the best family and friends and boyfriend that a girl could ask for......

Go ahead....... ASK ME!!!!!!

It may have taken years for me to fully understand it....
but
I.  Am.  BLESSED!

My God is good!