Weird update?

I know I haven't mentioned BH since I left you hanging here. That was Jan. 23. The next day, I sent him a response that basically said I'm sorry I bothered him, and I NEVER would have sought him out had I have known he was still married. I know, I know, lame, right? My inner 17 year-old was still in control then. Sue me! I told him I didn't want to cause any problems for him with his wife, and I told him, given the circumstances, I had no plans to use the cell phone number he sent me.

The next day, I got the sweetest reply from him:

Hi L, There is no reason to fell bad. I have a lot of friends
that are woman and I talk to them often
We are lucky that where still here to be talking and still
friends. I was glad to find you. So there are no worries. I
prefer to talk instead of e-mail because I still can't spell
:-) It would be nice to see you and Janie says hi.

Hope you have a great day.
Your friend B

About a minute later he sent this:

See told you I can't spell. Even the spell check can't
figure it out.

Janie is his sister. She and I were very close in high school. It kind of made me smile that he actually mentioned to her that we had touched base with each other.

I'm embarrassed to say I never replied to those emails. I didn't really know what to say. "Yeah, I would love to see you, too. I can tell you all about how I had our future together all planned out." Not so much....

And, yes, I'm fully aware of the fact that we could just reconnect, get to know each other again, and resume our awesome friendship. You can never have too many friends, right? Except, that pesky 17 year-old doesn't want any more friends. She wants him to be her boyfriend!! God, she's annoying!

Like I said, I haven't replied, and I didn't get any more messages from him. I was just about ready to close that door, when what pops up my inbox today? Another message from Classmates saying, "BH stopped by yesterday. Open your Classmates guestbook." What the hell? What was he looking for? Did he think something changed there in the past two weeks? Did he think maybe I left him a message there? What? Why did he go there again?

Am I just a big whiny baby for not wanting to be his friend? Ok, you don't have to answer that, I already know the answer. I'm just not ready to do anything about it yet. The 'Valentine Season' isn't helping things, either. It tends to bring out my inner child. Oh, who am I kidding? It bring out the lonely, bitter, middle-aged woman in me! I hope I can grow up, and get past this someday soon. I really would like to be friends with him again. I just don't think I can do it today.

Do you hear that?

It's the sound of the wind being let out of my sails.

So, I was very rudely awakened this morning at 5:30am by Dorky Dog. After I let him out, I decided to shoot BH a quick email. I have not been able to stop wondering what's been going on with him since we last spoke. Ok, truth be told, I wanted to know if he finally got divorced or not.

In the email, I told him about the last time I spoke to our friend, and that the friend told me he was going through a divorce. I told him I hoped it hadn't been a messy, drawn out affair, and that I hoped he was happy now.

I kept the rest of the email pretty short, mentioning the BIG GAME this afternoon, asking him how work was going, etc.

When I checked my email later, I saw that there were two emails from him in my inbox. One was sent at 8:30, one at 10:30. The first email was a reply to my email. Here's where it goes downhill - he's still married. God almighty, I could NOT feel like a bigger idiot!!!

He also told me that he has a 7 year old daughter. Now, THAT was really a shock because our friend NEVER mentioned that he had a child. I don't know why he wouldn't have said anything. Like I said, we last spoke about 3 years ago, so obviously BH's daughter was born already.

He also told me some things about his job, and then closed the email by saying he looked forward to my call.

The email that he sent two hours later was a picture of his daughter. Nothing else, just the picture attached to a quick note - my daughter kathy.

Of course, his daughter is GORGEOUS! She looks just like her daddy. Actually, she looks a lot like her auntie. BH had a younger sister and a younger brother. His sister and I were close friends in high school. I think she was rooting harder than I was that we would end up together. She used to tease him about me all the time, and she would tell me little embarrassing things about him just to bug him. (for example, she used to tease him, in front of me, about having our Homecoming picture on his dresser so that it was the first thing he saw every morning and the last thing he saw every night. Typical little sister stuff.)

It seems this is yet one more chapter of my life that I need to close. Yes, I know I can still call him to catch up on the past 25 years, but why? Yes, we could still be friends, I suppose. But, truthfully, I don't think I'm mature enough for that. Right now, I can't get past my inner 17 year-old. She wants to go pout somewhere. I think for now, I'm gonna let her...

Keeping the crazy alive, Part 2...

It will be 25 years ago in June that we graduated. (For the last time - I'M FREAKIN' OLD!!) That memory is as fresh in my mind today as the day it happened. Things were just so complicated by then with CSJ. By then, we had been dating for over 6 months (yes, I know, that's the blink of an eye. But, hey I was just a dumb kid then!) and I actually had feelings for him by then. Hell, he had bought my ring 3 months earlier! I had even worn my engagement ring to prom, despite keeping it a secret from my parents. The day I graduated, CSJ told my dad he had a graduation present he wanted to give me, and that he wanted his permission first. Then he showed my dad the ring, and of course, my dad told him it was ok. What my dad failed to do is run it by my mother. Mama mia, what a mistake!!! But, that's a story for another post.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, graduation. Because I was getting so serious with CSJ, I never contacted BH again after graduation. One day, about 6 months or a year after we graduated, I saw him at our local community college. I was walking to my car after a class, and he was getting out of his car to (I assume) go to class. My heart literally stopped. Naturally, I looked like a hot mess, as I had probably gone to class in whatever sweats I grabbed first. Um, and I was engaged (officially, by now) to someone else. So I did what anyone else would have done. I ducked down and hid so he wouldn't see me. Yep, smart thinking, huh? I dove into my car, and got the hell out of Dodge. But, all the way home, I planned what I was going to do/say the next time I ran into him. Cuz, hey, he goes to the same school again! I parked in that damn lot for the rest of the semester and never saw him again. I took it as a sign that was meant to remind me that CSJ and I were planning a life together now, and that I really did love him, and BH needed to just be a pleasant memory.

Not long after that, I saw BH again at the mall, with his mom. Again, I basically hid, and fought the urge to run up to him and hug him. Then, about 10 years ago, I was at the mall with one of my besties, and who did I see? Yep, BH! OMG, he was just as gorgeous then as he was in high school. I felt like a goofy teenager again. My heart started pounding, and I got butterflies in my stomach. How ridiculous is that!? Again, I didn't dare approach him, and I stayed out of his line of vision. He was with some statuesque blond. I pointed him out to my friend as he was walking away. After telling me how hot he was, she asked me who he was, and I told her the whole story. (I met this bestie as an adult, so she didn't know the background.) After she heard the story, she decided that there was NO WAY she was letting me leave without talking to him, so she literally dragged me by the arm from one end of the mall to the other. But, we never found him.

Let's flash forward just a little bit. It was now 2000, and I had made a New Millennium Resolution (NMR, if you will) to get out there and start living (again, another post entirely, but by then CSJ and I had been separated for over 4 years and I had spent those years crying over my loss, and not moving on with my life.) so I took a bold step. I looked BH up! And, low and behold, I found his address. AND, I sent him a letter!! In the interest of full disclosure, I didn't do it until more than 6 months after I had seen him at the mall. But, I DID IT! I wrote him a 5 or 6 page letter. It's a bit embarrassing now, when I think about it, since a part of that letter was telling him that I wonder how different my life would have turned out if one of us had just made the first move. Pathetic, huh? I finished the letter by giving him my phone number, and told him that if I hadn't totally freaked him out and/or scared him away, I would love to hear from him, and catch up on the past 15 years. I shoved the novel in an envelope and dropped it in the mail. And, then I immediately wanted to crawl into the mailbox and get it back!! What had I done!!?

I tried not to think about it, so imagine my surprise when about 4 days later, my phone rang, and the caller ID showed BH. I almost peed myself. And, I almost didn't answer. I gave some serious consideration to letting the machine get it. But, then I reminded myself of my NMR, and picked up the receiver. I was instantly transported back to high school. Oh, I hadn't heard that voice in over 15 years! And, he was still so damn sweet! I told him that I felt like such a fool for sending the letter, and he immediately told me that he was glad I did, and that I shouldn't feel foolish. But, sadly, he also told me he had just gotten married. The blond I saw him with was his fiance at the time, and they had just gotten married a couple of months before. Poop. So much for my master plan to get us back together.

After we talked for about 15 or 20 minutes, I was feeling really uncomfortable, given that his WIFE was home (he had shared the letter with her, so there were NO secrets here!) and I was feeling really stupid and childish for having sent the letter at all, so I started wrapping things up. He made sure that I had his number, and said to call him anytime (yeah, right!!) and that he's so glad I contacted him, etc. I never called him. I just didn't see the point. I was just this pathetic loser who was still pining for her high school love, and he was a happily married newlywed.

Over the years, I ran into other friends from high school, and every one of them asked me if I ever heard from/talked to BH. It made me laugh every single time! I ran into one friend who was not only one of my closest friends in high school, he was also one of BH's. As a matter of fact, they stayed close even after high school. Actually, as it turns out, he became friends with a friend of mine, and we reconnected at a gig this friend was playing. Anyway, this friend and I spent the whole night catching up on the past 20 years (which meant we missed our other friend's entire show. Oops!) and inevitably, the conversation turned to BH. Long story short, my friend told me that BH was in the process of getting a divorce (and he gave me some dirt on the soon-to-be ex-wife!) and told me that I needed to call him. He even went so far as to say he was going to have us both over for dinner so we could reconnect. I told him I didn't think that was such a good idea, especially since he was in the midst of the whole divorce process. I figured he had enough on his plate, ya know? I told me friend to give me a call when things settled down, and I'd reconsider his offer.

That was about 3 years ago, and I haven't spoken to my friend since. OK, so back to where I started about 4 hours ago. For some reason, BH looked me up on Classmate.com the other day! Things that make you go hmmmm..... Through Classmates, I sent him a quick note, saying I was pleasantly surprised to see he stopped by and signed my guestbook, and I gave him my email address. I wasn't really expecting to hear from him, especially because I have no idea why he was looking me up. Just because he clicked on my profile doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to contact me. He could have just been stopping by to see how poorly I've aged over the past 25 years!

If I was pleased to see he had stopped by my profile, imagine my excitement when his name showed up in my inbox the next day! "Hi L how are you. Here is my cell# 708-6XX-1XX4 give me a call so we can catch up." Short and sweet, right? There's no way I'm ready to use that phone number just yet, but I did send him a reply that day saying that I was going to wait until I had a good chunk of uninterrupted time to talk. "Sounds good. take care and have a good week." Be still my heart....

Now, I should probably mention that this email volley all took place on Thursday. As in January 19. As in, what would have been my 20th anniversary. You know, the morning that I posted how, deep down, I'm still in love with my ex-husband. Can someone explain why, then, has my stomach been fluttering for the past 5 days at the prospect of reconnecting with BH? Why do I instantly revert back to being that silly, immature 17 year-old? Why am I making more of this than there is? Who knows, I may hate him now. He might have grown up to be a crotchety old man. Maybe he's a jerk now. Maybe he's weird. Maybe he's still the same sweet, kind boy he was 25 years ago. I have no idea. Is it crazy that I'm dying to find out? I realize that both of us must have changed a LOT since high school. It would be ludicrous to think we haven't. But, at this point in my life, I no longer want to have any regrets about things I could/would/should have done. What's the worse that could happen? We discover we no longer like each other? Ok, so be it. But, if I didn't allow myself to find out, I would regret it. And, I don't want to live my life with any more regrets.

So, my Bloggy Buddies, what do you think? Thoughts, suggestions, criticisms, anything? Is anyone even still reading at this point? This just may be my longest (and probably most boring!) posts. I had to split over two days, for heaven's sake! If you're still here, thanks. Now, tell me what to do! ;-)

Oh, crap, one more thing. I know I told you that CSJ, Stud and I went out for dinner on Thursday. At some point during dinner conversation, CSJ brought up BH!!! I can't even really remember what the hell we were talking about. I'm sure it had something to do with Stud being 17, which was the age I was when I met CSJ. He said something about me dating 'someone,' and Stud said, "Yeah, you!" And, CSJ said, "Oh no! It was some OTHER guy named B! Your mom even went to Homecoming with him!" It was kinda funny, actually. He almost sounded jealous. I was just blown away that CSJ would even bring BH up, since it's not like he was ever a topic of conversation before. SO weird, don't you think? By then, I had already seen the email from BH, but CSJ didn't know that. Just so weird. Am I trying too hard to pretend this is some kind of sign? Ok, come on, this is where you're supposed to give me your words of wisdom!

Keeping the crazy alive...

I know I might have caused a few of my Bloggy Buddies to go, 'hmmmm...' after my last post (you know, where I overshared) so this will just add to that confusion. And, the general consensus that I'm a whack job!

On Tuesday, an email notice appeared in my inbox from Classmates. (On a sidenote, I sometimes feel like Classmates.com is the granddaddy to Facebook. I've been able to reconnect with old friends there, as well as catch up on what they've been doing since high school. We can leave each other messages, or post announcements, much like the FB 'wall.') I had to pick up my jaw when I saw the subject line said, "BH signed your guestbook."

You see, BH was my first true love. I know, I know, I've always said CSJ was my first true love, but if I'm going to be completely honest, it was really BH. Whenever I think about high school, he's the first one who pops into my mind. Even though he was a fellow "band geek," he was also a jock and on the football team. So during the first half of the year, which was marching band season, he was out on the field playing, while we were doing the half-time shows. After the show, we would rush to change out of our oh-so-attractive uniforms, and then my friends and I would go back out to the field to watch the second half of the game. You know, in those mega-comfortable bleachers, in that refreshing Chicago winter air. Ah, the things we do for love...

Even though he didn't actually march with us during the marching band season, he was in the concert band the second half of the year, so he still had band as a class all year. We got to spend 1 1/2 periods a day together in band, then all the band geeks had lunch during that last 1/2 period. We spent time together before and after school, as well, just hanging out. Several nights a week, we'd talk on the phone for hours. Once he got his license, he used to drive me home from school most days. Sweet, right? Even though we were never "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend, it was an unspoken thing. Everyone just kind of thought of us as a unit. If someone was looking for him, they'd come to me, and vise versa. I suppose what kept us from being "official" is the fact that we never actually went out on dates, and we never moved on to that physical stage of our relationship. But, we were both totally fine with that.

Here's the thing. We were both pretty shy in high school, him painfully so. Neither one of us could work up the nerve to 'make a move,' so things just stayed in that comfort zone. But, by senior year, after years of crushing hard on this guy, I finally worked up the courage to ask him to Homecoming. Oh, yes I did! I still don't know how I did it. It's hard to believe, especially if you know my 'in real life,' but I was nothing like the bold, hussy I am now back in high school. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown for about a week before I did it. Thinking back on it, I'm afraid I might have really been a geek and asked him through a note. OMG, that's SO high school!! Plus, I am/was pretty old school, so for me, as the girl, to ask him out was just crazy!

The important thing is - he said yes!! I spent weeks looking for the perfect dress. I practiced how I was going to fix my hair. I was SO excited, but also so nervous. I won't keep boring you with the mundane details, but suffice it to say, it was a magical night.

Now, we all know Homecoming takes place in the beginning of the school year. I was hoping that after my bold move, our relationship would move steadily toward being 'official.' Even though it did seem to bring us closer, he still just wouldn't take that step. And, I just couldn't bring myself to do. I used up all my courage asking him to the dance, for Pete's sake! It's not like he was dating other girls, and I certainly wasn't dating other boys, so I couldn't believe he wouldn't just ask me to be his damn girlfriend! It was exasperating.

Well, flash forward about 2 months, and CSJ enters the picture. I think I've bored you in the past with the story of how we met. (It's buried at the bottom of this post.) Again, if I'm going to be completely honest here, I have to tell you that the main reason I agreed to go out with CSJ was to make BH jealous. Yes, I really did. And, boy, did it work like a charm!!

On practically our first date, CSJ gave me his high school ring to wear. (Yes, that's how OLD I am!! We wore our boyfriends' rings!) It seriously was about a week after we started going out, which in hindsight, it hilarious! Anyway, I immediately put it on a chain and wore it around my neck. He gave it to me on a Friday (after an oh-so-romantic date at the mall. hahaha!) and on Monday, I wore it to school. As per our usual routine, BH and I met up at his locker before class to chit-chat, and as I was standing there talking, he was digging things out of the bottom of his locker. As he stood up, he caught a glimpse of the ring hanging around my neck. He grabbed it, held it up, and said, "What the hell is this?!" Now, I have to tell you, he was the quietest, shyest, most soft-spoken guy, so for him to curse, it was a big deal.

I was a little taken aback by his reaction, even though it was basically what I was hoping for. Does that make sense? I wanted him to fly into a jealous rage, but I figured that was just a fantasy, since he doesn't act like that in real life. I was shocked, and secretly pleased, that he had such a noticeable reaction. I mean, come on, what a boost for my ego, right?

From that moment on, things changed with us. He became a little more attentive, he called more, started carrying my books to my classes (see, there's that old-school stuff again!). It was nice, but it still wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted was for him to step up and say, "Hey, break up with that loser and go out with me!" But, it never happened. I just continued to enjoy the extra attention at school, even while spending all my time out of school with CSJ. Essentially, we just continued to be best friends, I guess.

BH and I actually did finally go on a date. (I'm not counting Homecoming as a date, since it was a school dance.) He took me out for dinner for my birthday that year. Oh, and he gave me the cutest little stuffed bunny. It was so nice. I was on pins and needles the whole time, thinking, "Ok, he's gonna do it. He's gonna tell me he wants me to be his girlfriend. Finally!" But, no. We just had a nice dinner, with great conversation, and we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. (And, no, CSJ didn't know about it at the time. When he found out years later, he had the nerve to be mad about it.) I sometimes think (wish?) that the problem was, he figured I had a boyfriend now, so he shouldn't try to mess that up. He would never try to steal someone else's girl. I wish I knew what was really going through his head back then.

About a month later, we graduated. After the ceremony, as I was walking out the front doors of the school with my family and CSJ, I heard my name being called. I turned around to see BH rushing toward me. He gave me a big bear hug (yeah, CSJ LOVED that!), congratulated me, as I did him, and that was the last face-to-face conversation we ever had. Oh my God, I can't believe that just typing that made me start tearing up. What the hell is wrong with me!? Time for a break....