In between the blog posts

So much life happens around here at such high speeds… stopping to write about it doesn’t happen until I get that overwhelming feeling inside to get it out on paper I will explode if I don’t.

Like last night.  Aching for my son. I believe with all my heart that Zach will be okay in the long run… it’s the long run that puts the fear into me.  It’s the seemingly “waste” of time to get to that point.  It’s watching him be robbed & stolen from every day that cuts to the core.

My oldest is considering a signature with the Indiana National Guard.  I am considering screaming.  Praying for peace.  Unsure of what to think.  Knowing it isn’t my choice.  Hating that feeling.

Kiahna’s test results came back from her eeg.  No seizure activity the doctor says.  We can try a new med.  You can see this doctor next.  I can pound my head against a wall.  I can try a vitamin the chiropractor recommends.  I can pray against the spiritual battles that are coming against her.  I can cry.  I can become extremely afraid.  I can sign papers with poor behavior documentation.  I can pray.  I can go pick her up because the new med caused a bad reaction.  I can pray again.

Watching & photographing a lot of basketball…

Feeling the judgment of others for the behaviors of my children.  Fighting against it.

Wondering if I should somehow force my children’s dad to be a dad.  Wondering what the best is.  Wanting to ring his neck.  Fighting for forgiveness & grace to forgive again.  Thankful for the little child support checks.

Needing to do a medication change for Jadon.  Helping him transition to a new teacher when the old one suddenly began her maternity leave early. 

Clean up some puke.

Order some new flooring.

Wonder how the house got to be such a mess.

Be thankful that it is because there are people here who I love dearly to mess it up.

Hope.

Pray.

Laugh.

Love.

Live.

Cry.

Fear.

Rest.

Overwhelm.

Grace.

Strength.

Endurance.

Life.

Death.

Peace.

Storms.

This is the stuff.

Pam

Many thoughts…

It’s been a good while since I wrote an update on our family.  I have much to be thankful for & much to continue to be prayerful for.  I’d like to share… If you’d like to hear.

James is home for the weekend!!  He “loves college”!  It is so good to have him here!  To see him in person!  It’s been a long/short 2 weeks since we moved him in & our convos since then have been quick & short & full of “gotta go mom!”  I am thrilled to pieces that he is loving it so much.  I think he’s studying!  I know he had some “shock” going into the first few classes with the amount of homework & papers that would be required.  He’s adjusting to that.  His thoughts, as of now, are that he won’t be back until fall break, mid October.  This is all so strange.  It’s good, just an adjustment!  He’s done a lot of sleeping this weekend… something I am sure they are not doing much of in the dorms!

We pulled my sister’s camper out of the barn yesterday & we have been camping in the back yard (the best kind of camping!! or at least the easiest!!!)  My younger kids are loving it!  My back is hating it!!  Not sure if I can do it another night, but in my heart I would love to try!

We are enjoying football season around here again!   Zach’s been playing mostly jv, but he got in for 2 quarters of varsity last Friday!  He’s much more excited about playing when he is getting some varsity time. 

Leah really enjoys cheerleading!  She’s such a fun girl to have around!

Her squad at photo day last week!

Kiahna turned 6 last Sunday.

My beautiful little girl is dealing with some major behavior issues.  Thankfully, at this point they are mostly just for me & nothing at school (to my knowledge). 

Her tantrums seem to be growing in intensity & frequency. 

I would give anything to know how to help her overcome whatever it is that is causing this in her.  I continue to search & pray for answers.

Last week there was a radio talk show on the FW Christian radio station, & 3 people called me to tell me to turn it on & listen.  It was Heather Forbes, author of the book Beyond Consequences. 

She is coming to FW this next Saturday & speaking.  I am planning to go.  I ordered her book & I am praying that this may finally be something to lead us towards some help.

Please keep us in your prayers.  Things can’t keep going like this.  She needs help.  I need help. 

A group from our church is coming this week and putting  a new roof on our house!!  How blessed we are for that!!  I have been oblivious to the state of the roof, but apparently there are some major things that need revamped & repaired on it!  THANKFUL God has people looking out for things like that for me, I sure have no clue!!

Now if my washer repair guy would come out & replace the part he ordered for my washer so that I don’t have to hit it with a football cleat to get it into the spin cycle, my life would be… well… better! :)

Pam

HOMERUN!!!

THERE IS A VICTORY CELBRATION GOING ON OVER HERE!!!!!!!!!

YOU MUST GO SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT!!!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE!!!!!

WAY TO GO GOD!!!

SO HAPPY FOR YOU STELLAN & MCKFAMILY!!!!!!!!

Pam

Supporting Each Other…

What a weekend.

I wish I had more pictures.

Where do I start? 

With that sea of elementary children’s faces??  And the standing room only gymnasium filled with grandparents & VIP's coming out to support their children?

With the first benefit we attended on Saturday and the jam-packed cafetorium at AC?  All there to support 2 boys who are battling life threatening illnesses?

The House of Hope… “for the boys” benefit?  A room full of people, Leah’s singing with 2 other girls “Potters Hand” & Tom Sharing his heart for hurting teens & his vision for our city & the work that their ministry is seeking to do in lives.  Doors to open on December 1.

The two friends who both called me last week in tears… “I can’t do this”… and me being able to be prayerful support back to them for all the days they were to me.

Sitting in church and finding out that a family that our church supports on the mission field had a motorcycle accident… there were injuries… and before the service ended finding out that a 5 year old boy had lost his life… the second child this family has lost to death on the mission field.

Sometimes it’s all too much to think about…

Then you have my parents… endless means of support to their family and so many others… choosing to come to the HOH banquet with me & Leah, on their anniversary.  Coming to game after game after game of my kids and my sisters…

Community supporting one another.

It is an incredible thing to witness.

Pam

A commenter shared this, and I thought it was worth adding to the post… thank you Krista.

“When your faith endures many conflicts and your spirit sinks low, do not condemn yourself. There is a reason for your season of heaviness. Great soldiers are not made without war. Skillful sailors are not trained on the shore. It appears that if you are to become a great believer you will be greatly tested. If you are to be a great helper to others you must pass through their trials. The uncut diamond has little brilliance, the unthreshed corn feeds no one and the untried believer is of little use or beauty. There are great benefits to come from your trials and depression ." ~Charles Spurgeon

Catchup

It’s Labor Day.

My 4 oldest are all off somewhere.

My 2 youngest are arguing over new toys.

I’ve spent the better of the weekend playing with pictures.

My house is showing the results of that.

It’s time for an update here though.

Time for some words rather than all pictures.

But, there will be pictures. For sure.

I think when I last left you with some personal thoughts about myself, I was talking about beef stew… there is more to that you know…

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of hearing one of my favorite teachers, Beth Moore, live, via simulcast.  Beth feels like a close friend to me, if you’ve walked this road long with me, you know that already. 

God has used Beth’s words to walk me through some tough (understatement of the century) days, and to say some hard stuff.  He’s also used them to encourage me & enlighten me.  Bring freedom to my soul. To speak His truth until I began to believe Him down to the marrow of my bones.

This time was not different.

The worship brought tears to my eyes, until I couldn’t contain them … so much thankfulness in my heart.  Thankfulness that God has brought me through living hell & that I have joy in my life again.

How do I put words to what my heart feels?  I can’t.  I really can’t.  He really is good.  All the time.  He really can work miracles in our hearts if we will let Him.  Even when the circumstances are unchanged. 

I think that’s the thing that gets me the most.  I didn’t believe that I could feel peace.  Could live life.  Could get on with things.  Not without changed circumstances.  I really didn’t believe it was possible.

Beth spoke on Psalms 37.  A chapter that God has brought me to over and over again in the past.  One reason that I have went to that chapter is that it talks about the evil around us and how much it seems that people get away with.  How unfair things feel.  How often doing the right things doesn’t seem to matter.  Admit it.  On earth it doesn’t feel like it matters sometimes.  And I long to understand that.  And to have peace with that.  And to still believe God despite that…

“Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong”

Psalms 37:1

Beth focused on the forth verse of this chapter for the bulk of the day.  The verse says…

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart”

Psalms 37:4

What are the desires of our hearts?  One quote from Beth that was huge & takes some meditating on…

“Beneath the desires of our hearts is the heart of our desires”  --Beth Moore

What do you read there?  That’s deep.  You may have to write it down and pray about it like I am.

I want my heart’s desires to match up with God’s.  I have to go back over and over again and wonder if my heart’s desire to see a restored marriage is me or God.  I want to believe it’s God.  I do.  Could it become me?  Could it become my desire to not be wrong.  My pride.  My desire for a perfect, happy ending?  My desire for a storybook life?  Yes.  All too easily.

I am so thankful that God is faithful to continue to speak to me on this issue.  Because I, in my flesh, in my contentment with my new normal, could easily say, “forget it”.  In fact I am quite happy with the way things are.  Putting a man like HSSH back in my life anytime soon would just mess with me all over again.  And even though I am so amazed by how God gets us through trials like this… I would NEVER willingly jump back into trial & tribulation & stress & yougetthepoint again.

So, I am listening to Beth… she is in the audience speaking to the ladies there.  She is asking them to tell her what they took away from the message on Friday evening.  One lady says to Beth, I have been praying for something for 15 years and your message last night just encouraged me so much to not give up.

Beth replies to her that she shouldn’t give up on that thing until “God releases her”.

My heart hears… “you have not been released, you can’t give up.”  I know what He’s talking about.

Later on, Beth is talking about three things that rob our joy…

Her quote was…

“What’s taking a bite out of my personal delight?  Because delight is our right.”

Beth used the acronym “JAW” to help us remember what is “biting” away at our delight.  JAW stands for Jealousy, Anger, & Worry.

Uh-huh…

So she is talking about jealousy, and asking what we are jealous about.  I am sitting there thinking about that.  Of course there is an argument in my mind.  Am I really jealous about that?  No, I don’t think I am.  Maybe.  Maybe that?

Beth suddenly says…

“We may say ‘they have my husband’ I promise you God’s gonna deal with that”

O. My. Word. How does God do that?  How does He do that?  HOW DOES HE DO THAT??  He is amazing!  Amazing I say. 

All that being said to say.  I am living in the most peaceful place I have been in in years.  I am loving it.  I am amazed by it.  I am still believing & praying for a miracle in my dead marriage.  But, it isn’t holding me captive.

God is Good.

Pam

Vlogemo: Kids Week!

Many weeks are kids week for me on Vlogemotions!  It is so much simpler for me to put their cute faces on the screen than my own!!  But, this morning I took a shower, did my new hair cut hair (which I am not so sure i love) & was all ready.  I opened Tim @ Fort Thompson's Blog up & found he was hosting “kids week” again this week!  I always seem to be on the wrong page! :)  o well!  My only child home to be my victim subject was very cooperative, and gave a stellar performance for you all!  After all she will be turning 5 in just 2 short days, ya know!! 

So, here we have it… My 12th week of participating with Tim @ Fort Thompson and Vlogemotions…

Watch…

I mean… silence the music…

Now… Watch…

Blog Hop: Encouragement

Encouragement, Don’t you want to be encouraged?  Don’t you want to BE an encouragement?  I know I want all of the above!!  Doesn’t come to us naturally though does it.

We aren’t always in seasons of our lives where the flowers are blooming & the grass is green.  The weather is perfect & the schedule it clear.

So, how do we survive those days, seasons, years?  I’ve grown to hate the phrase, “this is only a season and it will pass”… In my mind, and sometimes on my lips I scream out, “WHAT SEASON LASTS THIS LONG??? TELL ME PLEASE!!!???”  And we can’t argue it, seasons on our calendar only last short periods of time, but seasons in our lives can last years and years.

So, where is the encouragement in that?  I stand here today to tell you, if your particular “season” lasts 3 years & 11 months… you can make it, through Jesus Christ & His Power.  I can’t tell you about tomorrow, because I haven't lived it yet, but up until today… HE has brought me this far.

I’ve been encouraged in my faith this past weekend.  I’ve prayed, but I confess there really hasn’t been much faith or belief behind some of my prayers.  Fear has been hanging around my head when I pray for my kids… causing me so much doubt and confusion.

James & Zach went away for the weekend with Campus Life.  I spent a little time praying for them.  Praying God would meet them where they are.  I don’t even know how to pray for my kids so often.  I feel like they are just going to have to learn everything the hard way, like I did, and their dad is still.  And I get so discouraged thinking about surviving that with them.  I begin to feel so weary.

Well, I have a HUGE PRAISE!!!  And I want you to keep praying with me in this!  James came home and didn’t say much at all to me.  But, there was a note by the computer.  He asked me to block some websites, and re-install the accountability program I had on our computer (i haven’t been able to figure out how to do either one yet though, so technical help is appreciated here!!)

The issue has been music for James.  He hasn’t seen the danger or the problem with the music he has been listening to.  I don’t know what happened this weekend, but he came home realizing that this was not a good thing and wants me to block these sites he was getting the music from.  (for free I might add)

This was a HUGE encouragement to me!  I know that the battle is not over for James. I don’t know anything besides what that note said, & what Zach told me (Zach is a bit confused about James sudden change of music)  But, I am praising God & continuing to pray for my children with a renewed faith!  THANK YOU JESUS!!

This post was inspired today by The Riggs Family Blog, and their weekly Blog Hop!  Last week, in case you missed it I WON!!  I won $100 worth of Avon from Elana Kahn  (order YOUR AVON from ELANA!)  Leah & I are still trying to make our decisions about what to get!  You can get ALOT for $100!!  Thank you again Elana! 

I think this week we can all win by spreading this much encouragement around the internet!  All you have to do to enter is write an encouraging post of some sort, and link it up here!  Simple!  Now, do me a favor, if you are reading this and you decide to link up, leave me a comment telling me that you did so I can come read it!  Obviously, I wont’ be visiting all these sites that linked up, who has that amount of time!  NOT ME!!

Be Encouraged!!

Pam

It’s my birthday & avoiding a pity party

Today is my birthday.

But, I began having my own little party yesterday. Yup. Pity Party.  I was the only one invited. Poor Me. Oh, I guess that isn’t true, I had my good friends PMS & depression keeping me company.

Blah.

I hate that. 

I feel pathetic.

I feel ungrateful.

I feel stupid.

I had no big plans for today.  I am missing one of my very good friends who I have spent my past 3 birthdays with.  She lives out of state, and it’s just worked out that we have visited each other over my birthday the past few summers. We have no plans to visit this year.  That makes me sad.

She sent me like 5 e cards this morning, one was this… thanks Dorie!

I am missing being married & having my husband with me.

I am missing my friends who are on vacation this week.

I have received some wonderful gifts and sweet cards. I am not as alone as I wanted to believe I was last night, for sure. 

I knew how I felt was wrong.  I knew it was lies.  Too bad it is not just that easy to know it and change it. 

MckMama's Tweets began coming in, telling of Stellan’s weakening condition & the helpless weariness Jennifer was feeling.  The unresponsiveness of his body to the medical interventions they were taking.

Interesting how my own little pity party dissolved as I began to pray for Stellan. 

 

 

While I was at it, I started praying for some other friends & family.

I told  asked, Leah to take a walk with me.  We did 2 miles of walk/jogging & talking.

James & Zach went to town to get some movies, & came home asking me if I wanted my gift now or later.  And wondering if I wanted them to wrap it or not (men in training ya know) :)

They wrapped it (I told them I didn’t care, preparing them for marriage, they made the good choice!!)  They picked out a 6 person dish set from Walmart!  A beautiful black set that matches my kitchen perfectly!  How about that!  They even used their own money!  They bought 1 extra big plate for the whole family to have a matching set!!

Today, I am believing the truth.  I am not allowing the lies to come back.  I am praying for Stellan & his family.  I am praying for my kids. I am blessed. Chosen. Adopted in God’s family. Accepted. Redeemed. Forgiven.

Thank YOU JESUS!

Pam

A random splattering of thoughts

Racing full speed in my brain & life towards the end of summer… scrambling for the breaks… while my computer… trusty ole’ soul… takes it’s own sweet time, and I fold a load of laundry while it loads a screen.  I had so many amazing thoughts 2 hours ago, when my house was still quiet.  Too bad my computer is so slow, I fear I’ve lost them all!!

We are racing towards the end of summer and school starting… it will be less than a month, August 18 that will be the first day.  First day of James senior year, Zach’s freshmen, Leah’s 7th grade, Lucas 5th grade, Jadon’s kindergarten, & Kiahna’s preschool… part of me really has to focus to enjoy these days and not wish that the were already here, and part of me wants to grasp on and not move forward. 

I truly find myself (and my kids but they don’t realize it) missing our routine badly about this time of the summer.  Jadon and Kiahna are not doing as well as they were on the days that life had a routine & predictability.  (predictably busy, but predictable anyway)

School starting will mean graduation will come in the spring.  I will mean in a year James will (HOPEFULLY) be heading off to college.  It will mean so many things will be “last time” for James.  I know it’s all good, and it will all be fine, but it is all very sad and hard to see come to an end.  A new era will begin in my life, one I feel decidedly too young for…

Speaking of being too young, I do turn 37 next week!  EEK!  See, told you I was too young.  Of course I was too young to have James when I did, too young to get married when I did, too young to have to deal with all that I had to deal with when I did… so yeah… follows suit.

I just pray so many things go better for my kids than they did for me.  Yet, I look at my life, and can’t hardly say I am not glad that the things that have made me into the person that I am today didn’t happen… yet there is so much pain involved in getting there.  It sure is hard as a parent to know that our kids are going to have to learn some hard painful lessons in life… and to know that our role is mostly to sit back and pray that they survive it.

James and Dad got home from Canada on Saturday.  They had a good time.  My camera made it back too!  James has been working on making a slide show and editing things.  Maybe he will give me permission so show it here when he is done, but for now, how about a couple of photos?

James and Grandpa

The 3 boys, Dirk T, James, and James I.  (it was these three ages 18-20 and 2 dads & 1 grandpa)

How awesome is this!?!

They had a great time.  Lots of memories!

James realized when he got home that he would only be working 4 more days, and then it is football, football, football.

I got a letter from the football mother’s club, meeting soon to plan the annual chicken BBQ fundraiser that pays to support the feeding of the team all through the season and more.

Lastly, I met with our church treasurer last week to go over our budget, expenses, etc.  It was a good meeting.  He and our church family are so supportive of us.

I was left with a very strong, stronger than ever, feeling of how much we don’t deserve this support.  How how we have done nothing to deserve it & how we can never pay it back.  Where we would be without it. 

So much like God and His Grace, His Mercy, His saving ways.  It is probably the biggest “word picture” of His Amazing Ways that I have ever experienced.

There are no words to describe how this feels.  All I can do is Praise, Honor, and Glorify the God of Heaven.  Who Was & Is and Is to come.

This morning in the study Me Myself & Lies (Week 5, Day 1) Jennifer said,

“When was the last time you told your soul to ‘forget not’?  Your soul needs such prompting,  Otherwise you can too easily focus only on today, this moment, this worry, this problem.  Yet our memories of God’s benefits are just as compelling and every bit as real.”

Oh Lord, may my soul never forget that it is only by Your Great mercy that this has all not consumed me…

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;  therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:21-24

Pam

Dad.

How can such a simple word bring such a large range of emotions?

Yesterday was Father’s Day. 

I prayed with my children in the morning that we would be able to focus on what we have, rather than what we are missing.  I prayed that their dad, where ever he was would be blessed and that God would continue the work in his heart that He had began.

I felt the pain of the loss. 

I don’t know what my children were feeling.  No one shared.

What we do have… if you are a regular blog reader, or know us in real life… My children have an amazing Grandpa!  And I have an amazing Dad!!  None Better!!

Dad & my niece Kaitlyn

Kiahna was thrilled to be the only one with me in the store on Saturday, and to have the privilege of choosing Grandpa’s Gift! 

She choose a BIG BAG of Werther’s Candies!  In hopes that Grandpa will share with her!  (of course he did!!)  And she was right there to help him unwrap them!

My dad is there for us.  All the time.  Fixing things.  Talking to the boys.  Taking them out for breakfast.  Taking us on vacations.  Being a listening ear, sounding board, giver of wisdom, advice, & prayer to me as I muddle through single parenting.

The list of what he means to all of us is endless… endless…

So, Dad… Thanks for being you.  Thanks for being a beacon of light for us in the midst of so much darkness… especially when it comes to the word “Dad”…

I love you.

Pam

Glass Half full kinda person…

I have always felt like I am a glass 1/2 full kind of person.  Looking for the good in people.  Trusting people.  Believing for the best.  Hoping for the miracles.  Never giving up. 

Lately I have been feeling more like that is getting lost.  Like I can’t see that glass as 1/2 full anymore…

Dreading the worst.

Bracing myself for the next trauma.

Fearful.

Negative.

I hate this.  I never, ever wanted to be like this.  I never wanted to be struggling to find a positive thing cling to.  Never wanted my feelings to rule my day.  Never wanted my circumstances to decide what kind of day I am going to have.  Or how I am going to feel.

Strange thing.

I feel like this blog can be a real depressing place for you all to visit.  I wonder why anyone would come over and read this?  Maybe it is because you feel the same way I do?   You find yourself feeling things you never wanted to feel?  Or dealing with circumstances you never dreamed you would deal with, and you come over here to read because you can relate.

Or you care.  And you pray.  And you hate seeing our long going process drag on and on, and you come over to speak a kind word, say a silent prayer, or you love on us in a physical way by being God’s hands of help to our family.

We are so blessed.  So very, very blessed.  I know that.  I really, really do.  I just don’t always “feel” it.  Does that make any sense?

I’d like to take the time to mention once again some of the wonderful blessings I have, you know, just to help my perspective…

* Our financial needs are met every month by our amazing church family.

* We have physical support daily from my parents and sisters.

* Our church family continually remembers us in prayer & physical support.

* I have wonderful friends who listen to me and pray for & with me.

* God has provided amazing counselors throughout this whole season.

* My children are healthy.

* My children are smart & (searching for another positive word here, coming up empty) uhhhh…. cute. (there we go cute is true.)

* I am healthy. 

* I am so blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom  (see the first point) be there for my kids activities, be a room helper, drive my kids to their preschools,

* I have time to write.

Thanks for enduring with me, I really needed to remember that today. 

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

Pull Me Out

If you go on my play list (left sidebar) song #94… Bebo Norman, Pull Me Out… I can relate…

tell me now, when does this start feeling
like I understand everything I’m dealing with
first I was young, now it’s all just happening
and what about the way I said that
made you turn around and shake your head
like I don’t even know what I’m asking for

this could be all about just letting go
this could be all about just holding on
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out

remember when I was young and hungry,
I could take it in, without much money,
I had nothing at all but dreams and time to kill
and now I feel like I’m treading water
and I’m hardly real - I’m just trying harder
to make my way on the earth by standing still

not a moment too soon You will be my rescue
but tell me how long will it take?

can you pull me out? can you reach down and pull me out?

My peace is being tested.  It is being tried.  What will I do?  What will I choose?  Will I choose to panic?  Will I choose to worry?  Will I choose anger?  Will I choose to let it “matter”?  Will I choose to pick up my sacrifice & start dragging it around with me again? 

There really are many choices I can make.

Yesterday was interesting.  Without going into details, I talked to HSSH on the phone and it went really well.  I was so amazed.  Felt like I was talking to a new person!

THEN, we went to the track meet, he was there.  And I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me.  The things he said in the conversation he was going to do, he did not do.  And I was blindsided.

Despite all of that, he is planning to take all the kids (not Kiahna) from Sunday morning to sometime on Monday.  If you follow along, you will already know he has not taken anyone on a visit since Labor Day.  So, while I know this is a good thing, at least I want to know that, it is still very hard, and I find myself having to really focus to keep my mind from going to all those places I know I don’t want it to go.

I want my emotion for next week to be Thankfulness.  I want to choose to be thankful in this time. I want peace to remain.  I want to be joyful & singing…

I know I am no able.

Not on my own.

He needs to Pull Me Out…

Pam

You are Making me Smile!

Some very sweet people have been making me smile lately!  (you know, beside my kids, who while they make me smile, they don’t always act real sweet, nor do they appreciate me very often!)

Sarah @ Flying Kites sent me The Mom of the Year Award!!  You have to take a look at that! And pass it on!!  It made me smile so big this morning!!

Mimi @ He & Me + 3, e-mailed me a few days ago asking for my mailing address.  Last night, I went to the mail box and her package was in there.  How awesome is this!?!

 

She said that she saw them in the dollar bins at Target and had to get them for me!  WHAT A SWEET FRIEND!!!  Be Blessed Mimi, 10 times over, for your thoughtfulness to me!

Last Week, Cindy @ My Kids My Why, awarded me the Attitude of Gratitude Award!

Knowing that “gratitude” is not coming so easily for me these days, it was quite an honor to have her see that in me.  Thank you Cindy.

Amanda let me know recently that my blog has been nominated for an Awesome Blogs 2009 Award!  She challenged me to come over and see what category I had been nominated in.  I confess, I looked through quite a few until I found the one.  Awesomest Parenting Blog.  Hum… Not really feeling deserving of that one either.  But, I guess there will be voting on May 11, so yeah… do what you will with that.

Melissa @ Home is Where your story begins crowned me with This Queen of ALLL things Awe-Summm Award!

I am to list 7 things that make me Awe-Summm and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers I love. Make sure to tag the recipients and let them know they have won! Also link back to the Queen that tagged me.

I was thinking that it may be good for my self esteem right now to come up with 7 Awe-Summm things about myself… then I started having thoughts along the line of… well, it’s pretty Awesome that I haven’t killed any of my children, or that I haven’t ended up insane yet.  But, I figured that wasn’t very appropriate… so, I guess I’ll have to come up with others…

#1 despite me, my ex husband, and all our mistakes, our children are growing up to be pretty awesome people!

#2 I have only forgotten to pick up a child from an activity a handful of times in my life!

#3 I have really AWE-SUMMM parents, family, and friend support!!  REALLY AWE-SUMMM!!

#4 I have a really, really, REALLY AWE-SUMMM GOD!  Who continues to walk through this life with me, even though I am consistently questioning Him!

#5 I’ve learned not to expect quite so much perfection from myself, my house, my kids… most days!

#6 ummmm…. running out of ideas… I can cook a mean meal, if I am so inclined!

#7 I can remove a stain from just about any piece of clothing, in a single, double, or triple, washing!  :)

I give up!  Lets move the attention on to these AWE-SUMM bloggers… who have become great friends to me, leave me comments, pray for me, twitter with me… and I’d love to meet one day face to face!!

Bonnie @ Where did this all come from

Carol @ Joy in the Journey

Jodi @ They are only little for a little while

Lori @ My Livin' Part of Life

Mimi @ He & Me + 3

mommaof4wife2r @ A Thorn Among Roses

Sarah @ Flying Kites

Gayle @ The White House

Carrie @ Martin Manor Happenings

Girl Child @ Ahh Ooooommmmm

Pam D @ Life by the Creek

Paula @ His Ways are not Our Ways

Sheryl @ The Perch

Kelly (who’s blog link i can’t find!)

Of course there are my real life friends, who don't have a blog… who deserve this AWE-SUMMMM award… like Lora, Megan, Kim, Patrice, Rachel, Twila, Tina, Marlene, Shari, Julie, Rachelle, Terisa, Amy, Lisa, Joni, Deb, Lanae, Carla, Rhonda, Mary, Judy, June, Holly, Tammie, Bekah,… and more that I am sure I missed… who have not given up on me in this whole trial…

That’s more than 7 you say?  Well… I didn’t say I was an AWE-SUMMM counter!!

Thanks for giving me a reason to smile today!!!

Pam

Forgiveness Comments… and Hi/Lo Thursday

I thank those of you who left me such encouraging comments yesterday on my post about forgiveness.  I am touched that you were touched. 

I checked, my blog got 193 hits yesterday.  This post got 11 comments.  I wonder if the 182 of you who looked at the post, and didn’t comment, thought… she’s just crazy.  Out of her mind.  Delusional. 

Or maybe you thought, yeah that is fine for her… but she didn’t have x, y, and z done to her.

Or was it, he must be some great catch, to want him back so bad.

Or maybe the pain is just too raw, and maybe I don’t have the right words to speak to just everyone’s hearts…

Let me address a few of those unasked questions…

Yes, I’m crazy!  ;)

I have purposely not exposed HSSH’s failings on this blog.  But, that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I’d talk to anyone personally, or by e-mail if you wanted to get more in depth with me on the specific things you are struggling to forgive and the specific things that God has helped me to forgive.

Please don’t think this is easier for someone else than it would be for you.  Forgiveness is not easy for any of us.

In fact, as I was thinking about this more yesterday, I wondered about the things that happen to us that are not maybe so HUGE and UGLY, but smaller and kind of like a pebble in your shoe.  Maybe that is the thing that you really need to forgive.  Not a huge thing, by man’s standard, but God doesn’t see sins on the levels that man does, does He.

What if your pain is too raw?  Too recent?  Too much?  What if it just doesn't stop even if I forgive and forgive?  What if it is just too hard?  What if no one understands? 

Someone always understands.  No matter where you are in the matter.  years past.  In the midst.  Or just a raw, open, oozing sore that is continually being ripped open.  God knows.  He sees.  He hears.  He never misses a tear… He feels the pain with you. 

“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy”

Psalms 126:5

“You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights,  Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.”

Psalms 56:8 (msg)

I write all this with scars that are very fresh.  From wounds that couldn’t seem to heal, because they were constantly being torn open again and again by my circumstances.  My doubt.  My worry.  My disappointment.  My unforgiveness.   

There is no pride in what I write here.  Only confession and glory to God who has brought me through it, this far.  Yes, I am a little crazy.  Crazy enough to believe that God can do this in all of us, if only we will let Him… because I am feeling it in myself.

*********************************

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to read everyone else's "Hi/Lo" posts and for a chance to win $100.

 

How about a few Hi/Lo Thursday things today…

Hi…

• I won over $200 by doing this post last week!  If they offer a prize again, I’ll take my name from the drawing!!  ;)  So go give it a try yourself!!
• My parents are returning from their never ending 12 day vacation tomorrow!! 
• I got my furniture put back in place after the water we had come in last week! I even got things scrubbed down and organized as I put it all back!
• Kiahna’s second day at her new preschool went much better than her first one!
• In one month we will be leaving, with my parents (yes, they get to go again! but this probably doesn't count as a true “vacation” for them!) and my sister, bil, and their 4 kids for FLORIDA!!  SPRING BREAK!!!  11 kids (James is taking a friend) 5 adults. 3 vans.  It’s an adventure, to say the least!
• Most of those things that were making me crazy on Monday, I can’t even remember now!

Lo…

• James isn’t doing so hot in Spanish class.  (trying to be kind here)  Consequences are in place.  Consequences that he, of course, believes are totally unfair.  And I struggle, again, with the reality that I am doing this alone.  And that is still hard.
• I had a conversation with Kiahna this week.  She was telling me something, about “dads”. 
• Me:  “Do you have a dad?”
• K:  “No!”
• Me:  “Yes you do, his name is ‘J’. 
• K:  “NO! ‘J’ is NOT my dad!  James is my dad” 
• Me: uhg.  “No, James is your brother. ‘J’ is your dad.”
• K:  “No.  Jadon is my brother.”
• Me:  “No, you have 4 brothers, James, Zach, Lucas, and Jadon.” (holding up 4 fingers)
• K:  “oh”

Oh Lord, help me know how to help them. 

Pam

A proper response… Amazed

I have to add something to this post… I was watching/listening to our High School swing Choir, which James is a part of (video coming soon)… 6 girls sang this song. All I could think of is the way that God has taken care of my family in this season…pause the play-list and have a listen…

 

I’ve been blessed.  Me and my children.  Over, and over, and over, and over, and over…

I’ve struggled to give our blessing a proper response for years.  Now that our blessing has been made perfectly obvious by God.  I have no where to hide. 

“’Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace removed.'” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”

Over at The Riggs Family blog, they gave away $100 just for linking up with their Hi/Lo Thursday post. 

Much thanks also goes to Miss Kim Dance for being the sponsor of the $100 cash prize.

I heard about being drawn as the winner on my phone from a friend on Twitter!  I ran downstairs to check and see what was up!  And sure enough, there was a post on The Riggs Family Blog saying I was indeed the winner of the cash prize! 

I felt so blessed and loved!  Here is was Valentine’s Day.  A day that has been traditionally difficult for those of us without a physical love… whatever the reason.  The betrayal can feel so deep on a day like that. 

Honestly, I wasn’t feeling the hurt this Valentine’s Day.  I was loving on my family, making heart shaped pancakes, planning a special meal, purchasing them each a heart shaped box of candy.  I think it was the first Valentine’s since HSSH left that I wasn’t consumed with self pity and grieving the loss.  PRAISE GOD!

After dinner, I went back to check the computer again.  I found that Brent Riggs had sent me my prize via Paypal.  But, he had made a mistake, and sent me $200, rather than $100.  My two oldest boys were standing beside me as I responded to the e-mail.  I’ll pretend I have perfect children and not tell you what they said.  I responded to Brent’s e-mail with a, “you sent me $200.?” reply.

Then I checked his blog again.  And that is when I saw that my blog friend, Laurel had left Brent a comment telling him a bit more of our story, and Brent had decided to bless us with a $200 gift rather than just $100!  Not only that, he opened up the option to other readers to bless us with gifts of money through Paypal too.

If you’ve been a reader of mine for long… you know, not much leaves me speechless.  God, and His amazing provision for our family… That leaves me speechless.

There is no adequate way to thank you for this gift, Miss Kim Dance and The Riggs Family.  There was also a reader who sent us a gift.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.

I don’t know why God is so good to us.  But, He is.  May you all be blessed beyond measure for your kindness.  And it goes so far beyond this… every day.  Every Day.  EVERY DAY!  for over three years, God has met every one of our financial needs, and way more of our wants than we deserve.  He has never missed a payment.  He is our provider.  I can’t even wrap my tiny brain around it all…

GIVE HIM GLORY AND PRAISE!!

The Rigg's Daughter Abby, goes back into the hospital this Tuesday for yet another round of chemo…worse than she has already had.  Let’s be sure to keep praying for them all. 

Pam

Our basement flooded this afternoon…UPDATED!

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to read everyone else's "Hi/Lo" posts and for a chance to win $100.

 

I have to shop vac now.  but you can read about me freaking out on twitter if you just can’t wait!  LOL!! 

We have awesome neighbors that came to the rescue and we will be fine in no time…

I’ll write more tomorrow. 

*********************

Tomorrow now…  The water came in through the fire escape window.  We are thinking there was a drainage issue coming from the spouting from the roof.  The water was actually coming from underneath the window well.

Jadon and Kiahna were playing downstairs and they suddenly told me that there was water coming in the floor!  So glad they saw it, so glad that we were home! 

I called the neighbors and they came quickly.  Thankful!!!  They bailed it out.  There is a drain, but it couldn't keep up. 

The water was pouring in through the window, we had trash cans inside to catch it…

Every towel and blanket I could find was sopped. 

We got it all under control.  The neighbors left.  I was waiting for my sister to bring over a shop vac (but she got home and found water coming her her house too, so we waited awhile)

Jadon and Kiahna escaped the house and got on their shoes and went out walking in the muddy field while we were cleaning inside.  ;)  Of course Jadon was not wearing the new shoes that I had gotten him for my sister’s wedding. Nope.  Not Jadon!

The kids got home from school.

Then the rain started up again.

Zach tried to bail.  You can barely make Zach’s figure out through the window as he is bailing...

Lucas wanted to help and only got wet…he is telling me about it in this picture…

I called, and the neighbors came back again… baling for a long time, until the rain finally let up.

I am so thankful that the neighbors could come over so quickly and help out.  I can’t imagine how bad it would have gotten… well, I can.. that is the scary thing… this is not the first time this has happened to us.  Once, it came in another clogged window well… right over the bookshelf holding all my home school books.  In the same week the electric was out and we weren’t home and the sump hole overflowed.  Yeah, we got new carpet that year… and a completely cleaned out basement.

The basement looks like this right now…

Fans are running.  Carpet is pulled up.  Air purifier is running.  I’ll get a cleaned up computer area out of the deal… yeah.  Could have been worse.

Oh, and the crevice… that is 10 times worse than yesterday morning… and our road isn't the only one.  We had a 2 hour delay this morning to wait for daylight.  And the bus, it lost it’s ability to go in reverse after going over our crevice bringing the kids home yesterday.  Was it because of our crevice?  Sounds suspicious.  No surgery yet!

Pam

Incredibly blessed...

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!  Just going to post a few pictures of our day... and then we are off to finish our whirl-wind week...

... my sister got moved into their new house...

...Kiahna's hair is done... now pray that she walks down the aisle with that basket of flower petals... it's going to take a MAJOR miracle...all the nieces are "flower girls" (not standing in front though, just covering the aisle in petals)

...a million other things accomplished...

...Thanksgiving... where I am moved to tears for my abundant blessings...

...such cute blessings... a little strange though...  ;)

...back into the whirlwind... decorating in the morning, rehearsal tomorrow evening... hair done Saturday morning... wedding at 5:30 Saturday...

...I asked the kids to just sit on the couch for 3 days... and not move... so far... they are failing miserably... we'll make it... right???? 

...Sunday... crash... oh, and return to the world of blogging!! 

Missing you all!!  HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!  Hoping you all had a wonderful day... no matter what...

Praise the LORD.

       How good it is to sing praises to our God,

       how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

The LORD builds up Jerusalem;

       he gathers the exiles of Israel.

He heals the brokenhearted

       and binds up their wounds.

He determines the number of the stars

       and calls them each by name.

Great is our Lord and mighty in power;

       his understanding has no limit.

Psalm 147: 1-5

Pam

A little rest for the weary...

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.2 Corintians 1:8-11

Did you read that?  God used it to speak to me this morning.  To tell me that others have felt like I do, and to remind me of His deliverance, and the power of prayer. 

It's been a good weekend.  On Saturday my mom, sisters, and all the girls (except Kiahna) went to Chicago for the day on a bus...

My camera was back and working!  I have lost more pictures to share of the day... another day.

On Sunday I went away by myself.  I asked my parents to keep the kids so I could "run away from home" for 24 hours.  They did.

Have you ever went away alone?  It is kinda hard.  I'd rather have people with me.  But, I knew I needed time alone.  Time with God alone.  Time to rest and be still in His presence. 

After I got over the initial anxiety of it all... I did finally relax. 

And it was good.

...all to myself... no one to put to bed, get a drink, read to, pray with, put back to bed, brush teeth, get another drink, put to bed again... I'd be sad if those things weren't part of my life, but for one night, it sure was nice...

Oh, and room service... from Applebess...

ummm...

oh so good... oh so needed... oh so thankful...

Pam