Find the rest, oh my soul…

A couple of weeks ago I noticed something about myself.  And I didn’t like it.  I realized that after years of battling with anger… anger was winning more often than not.  Not good.

As long as HSSH would leave us alone, I would be fine.  Long spans of not hearing from him would help me keep it under control.

But, let him DARE to call, write, or show up to an activity… and I found myself boiling inside.  Livid. 

Justifiable?  Yes.  Sinful? No. Fun? NO WAY!

I don’t want to live with this anger.  But, I had no idea how to get rid of it. 

Try as I may, I cannot change HSSH.  And from where I sit, it doesn’t look like God is having much luck changing him either, at least not yet…

So, I have to either find a way to get over this, or I am stuck being this angry person, and having to find ways to “get through it” each time he is present…

… you know since it doesn’t appear he is going to “fall off the earth” anytime soon (sorry God, so glad You know my heart, and remember I am dust!)

We prayed about it in counseling one day.  Not a big deal.  Didn’t think too much about it.  Until a few days later.  Leah came to me and said, “Dad just emailed me asking me when I was going to call him.  What should I do?”

My reaction was calm and collected. (which is the way it usually is when I talk to the kids about him) I asked her what she wanted to do.  She told me she thought she would e-mail him back.  I said, “okay”.  She asked if she should invite him to her play.  I told her that was up to her.  She said she wanted to.

She walked away and I was made keenly aware of something missing.  Anger.  I felt like I heard God say, “It’s okay, this is just where he is right now”.

WOW!  Thank You God for this!  I didn’t even realize YOU had answered that prayer.  But YOU did!  Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank YOU!

We were talking about this in counseling a few days later.  “K” said to me that she thought I needed to find “acceptance”.

I bristle at that word.

“Acceptance” to me has always been, being okay with how things are, which makes what happened acceptable, and means that somehow I have to become content with things remaining like this… (not saying this is the right definition, just saying this is where my thoughts go when anyone mentions the word “acceptance”)

“K” understands that.  She tells me that she read something recently that came to mind then.  How people don’t purposely go about to make bad decisions.  They are making the best decisions they are capable of in the place they are at.  It is only later that they realize, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.

(In HSSH’s case I have a hard time believing he hasn’t realized mistakes over and over again, but has just been too proud to admit it.  Maybe I am wrong with that belief though, maybe he still doesn’t see that he has made 838,499,384 mistakes in the past 4 years) ;)

I am starting to see “acceptance” in a little different way.  What if HSSH isn’t purposely trying to drive me insane with his presence on this earth? trying to hurt the kids and I with his decisions?  What if he believes he is making the best choices?  What if these are the best decisions he is capable of in his completely broken state of mind?

Can I find acceptance in that?

Maybe.

I can find a freedom in that.

Can I keep it?

I don’t know if I can.  Two days ago James brought up something in a conversation about his dad.  Then Leah wanted to call him and tell him what time her play started.  I was angry again.  I don’t want to be.  I asked God to help me get rid of it, and it left again.

I can’t live with this anger.  I can’t live with what it does to my body.  I can’t live with the way it makes me feel inside at the mere mention of his name, let alone his presence in the room. 

If he is coming to this play on Friday night, I don’t want it to upset me.  I don’t want to go through the stress that comes from being around him.  Last time I saw him, even though I was fighting it mentally, I was also fighting in physically.  My heart was racing, I was sweating, shaking, nervous.  I don’t want to do that anymore when he comes around. 

I don’t know how to stop it.

I believe God knows.  I believe HE can.  And will stop it, if I let Him.  So, I want to let Him.  Will you pray for me in this?  Will you pray that I can stay free from anger & stress.  And experience acceptance as I have not been able to in the past?

In session 8 of the Esther Study, Beth said yesterday, “It’s tough being a woman in a mean world.  It’s even tougher not to become mean with it.”

“I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you may fight the good fight holding on to faith and a good conscious.  Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.”

1 Timothy 1:18-19

I know God wants to teach me the way to find rest in Him… I really want to learn it.  Won’t you ask Him to show me. 

Find the rest, oh my soul.  Find the rest…

Pam

A little rest for the weary...

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.2 Corintians 1:8-11

Did you read that?  God used it to speak to me this morning.  To tell me that others have felt like I do, and to remind me of His deliverance, and the power of prayer. 

It's been a good weekend.  On Saturday my mom, sisters, and all the girls (except Kiahna) went to Chicago for the day on a bus...

My camera was back and working!  I have lost more pictures to share of the day... another day.

On Sunday I went away by myself.  I asked my parents to keep the kids so I could "run away from home" for 24 hours.  They did.

Have you ever went away alone?  It is kinda hard.  I'd rather have people with me.  But, I knew I needed time alone.  Time with God alone.  Time to rest and be still in His presence. 

After I got over the initial anxiety of it all... I did finally relax. 

And it was good.

...all to myself... no one to put to bed, get a drink, read to, pray with, put back to bed, brush teeth, get another drink, put to bed again... I'd be sad if those things weren't part of my life, but for one night, it sure was nice...

Oh, and room service... from Applebess...

ummm...

oh so good... oh so needed... oh so thankful...

Pam

Haircuts and Hallelujah’s

Leah and I got our hair cut yesterday!  The other kids stayed with Grandma while Leah and I went out to lunch, ran errands, got our hair cut, and shopped for our lake vacation that we leave for this weekend.

 

I was exhausted after returning home, only to have to deal with putting it all away, kids who were hungry, a messy house, and laundry that is constant.  I did lay down for 5 minutes, but plugged forward after that!

This morning I am feeling more peaceful, blessed, and calm than I have in a very long time.  I love the mornings that the kids sleep and I get to have time alone with God.  This morning they are all sleepy and there is nothing to run off to, so I have let them sleep, while I bask in the quiet that eludes me so often.

I am doing Beth Moore’s latest Bible Study, Stepping Up.  If you are interested in learning more there are some clips to watch if you click on the web-site, here.

Anyway, I love Beth.  She has become like a close friend to me in the past 3 years.  I think this is the 7th study I have done, not to mention reading some of her other books like,  When Godly People do Ungodly Things.

The Spirit uses her to speak to my heart.  And my heart has been in such an incredible need.  One of the questions that has brought me to tears this past week was this…

“What about you?  What might have happened with your life ‘if the Lord had not been on your side’?”

I don’t believe that my mind can comprehend where I would be right now, with all that has happened in our lives, without God.  I can’t comprehend the bitter, angry, hateful person I could become so easily without the grace of God.  As I went to try to share this with the group I am studying with, I was overwhelmed with the goodness of God in my life.

This morning I was reading in the study guide.  This is another question…

“OK, let’s confront the bottom line.  How can we say God has been good to us when He has allowed us to encounter trouble and sorrow?  Share your honest thoughts.”

My honest thoughts?  Will I have to share them with the group?  Oh, yeah, I’ll be on vacation, so I can share my honest thoughts…  My answer went something like this… Only after we’ve been through the trials and felt His presence and goodness in the midst of them will we be able to even slightly comprehend the enormity of His incredible goodness to His people.

Beth’s Next Line…

“God’s delivering us from every ounce of trial will never develop the relationship that occurs when God shows Himself faithful right in the midst of difficulty, delivering us through it.  That’s where we come to know Him, to love Him, to appreciate Him.”

Amen.

I hear my children beginning to wake up, upstairs.  I hear the arguing beginning.  I know that I will have to turn on the lights and see the mess that waits.  I know I will have to feed them.  I will have to clean up these messes while they work to make more in my wake.  I will try to engage their help only to have wished I wouldn’t have bothered for the arguing and complaining that will occur in the midst.  I will somehow get us all packed and ready for a week of family vacation.  (oh no, I hear them approaching)  And I will end the week, strapping life jackets on my fearless preschoolers, so that I can relax for a moment, and perhaps shut my eyes in the sun at the lake.

God, grant me peace in the midst of the storms… I just remembered that I get to have a massage today… GOD IS SO GOOD!!

Rest...

Tonight I want to remember what it is to rest... the Bible says that all who are weary should come to Him and He will give us rest...

As I try to get back into life... after a very restful vacation... I don't want to be crazy busy and overwhelmed... I don't want to be frustrated and tired... I don't want to worry or doubt and fear... but tonight the furnace isn't working and there is a possum in the window well... and I just want to go back here...

I read the book by Stasi Eldredge Your Captivating Heart while I was in Florida last week... here are some quotes...

"See, the Beast is alive in this Beauty. And like the Beast in the classic fairy tale, I need to be transformed. Lucky for me, lucky for all of us, that is exactly what Jesus came to do. And exactly what happens when my soul finds it's rest in the love of God."

"My soul finds it's rest in the love of God"... I read it over and over again. I wanted it to sink in... I wanted to get it... I wanted to live it... I wanted to believe it... A few days later I read more...

"There is a rhythm to life. Every day we wake, and every night we sleep. The heart beats, then rests. It beats, then rests. For every beat there is a rest. O, that I would live like this in the rhythm of my heart. Yes, love and give... and then pull away for awhile. By all means, work hard... then play. Battle cannot be avoided... but let me seize the rest when I can.

And here is a secret. Women are at their most beautiful when they are at rest. Not striving. Not grasping. Not fearful. But resting. And we can be at rest too, at rest in the love of God. Zephaniah assures us, 'He will quiet you with his love' (3:17) God is saying, all is well, it's going to be alright. I have you. I love you. I will never leave you or abandon you. You are my delight. You are mine. In the great heart of God there is room for us to lie down and rest."

I guess her heart was saying the same thing mine was... now the miracle comes in living that in the days we are not on vacation... when there are appointments, car pools, groceries to buy, meals to make, (or at least stick in the oven), hair to do, (it took me 5 hours to take out Kiahna's braids yesterday), events to attend, laundry to fold... and don't forget possums and furnaces to tend to...

In my mind I am going here... and Jesus is here... and how did Stasi put that... there is room for me to lie down and rest...

Just like I hold my sleeping children... God is holding me... Last night in our counseling session, I was told that God has seen all of my pain... and that He has cried with me just as Jesus cried with Mary and Martha at Lazarus' tomb... I believe that... I find such peace in that... even though the furnace hasn't kicked in and that possum is still there... I started a fire, it is April, and that little baby possum will leave soon once our cats find him... I hope!

Dad and Mom on the last night.

I love the Gulf, purely for the sunsets...

Psalm 19: 1-4 Message

God's glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon.
Madame Day holds classes every morning,
Professor Night lectures each evening.
Their words aren't heard,
their voices aren't recorded,
But their silence fills the earth:
unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.