Light Bulb Moments…

A scattering of thoughts…

** Sometimes it hits me all over again where my life is, circumstance wise, and is so overwhelming I just crumble.  I find I need to allow myself the chance to cry again over what has happened, allow it to be okay that it has been over 4 years since it happened… and just grieve it again for awhile.

Then the sun comes up again.  And all the power of the Word of God & the faith that has been forming in my heart as I have learned through the trial to BELIEVE. WAIT. HOPE. LOVE. FORGIVE. Floods back in.  And I am more thankful than I was before.  Because I see where I could be, and I see where I am… and I am blessed.

**No matter how hard I try, I am not going to be financially capable of supporting my family with my photography business, solo.

I am finding that I have been making myself crazed trying to figure out how to balance a business, 6 kids & a home.  All the while not losing my mind.  It’s not going very well.

** I am living in “survival mode”

WHAT?  AGAIN? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???

When my friend mentioned to me “you are in survival mode” the other day, it was like.  “OH MY WORD I AM!?!”  “I AM!”  How did I get there again??????

See, I was doing so well… then I started adding more and more to my plate… and suddenly it starting spilling over the sides… and I have a mess.

There is a certain peace that comes from realizing you are in survival mode and accepting it.

It’s good.

** I don’t have it figured out… but I do have peace back. 

I am going to do what I feel I can handle, business wise and no more.  That may mean I don’t do any photography some months… And will pick up more other months.  I hope my clients are flexible.  But, I really can’t worry about it if they are not.  If I am giving God the business & the Glory then it’s all really his problem to figure out anyway.

My top priority is going to go back to being my kids & their well being.  I am going to take control of my time.  I am going to stay on top of their lives. 

Again, I don’t know how.  There is only one of me.  And sometimes that really ticks me off.  But, it is what it is.  So, I will help with homework from 3:45 til 10:00… fit dinner, and a ball game in between… read books to them that they don’t understand when they read them themselves… go over spelling and grammar every night… stumble through Freshman  Biology vocab words over and over again… Figure out how F*A*S*F*A (if you’ve not sent a child to college yet you won’t know what that means, but one day soon you will, trust me!) works… clean up after the messy things my daughter does (apparently I am supposed to be supporting, encouraging, and allowing these “projects” which really goes against my nature)… then clean up again when she does things that I have not allowed or encouraged…

Again.  Not by my strength.  I can’t.  As soon as I start to think that I have to, I crumble. Or I get a call from a teacher saying my child was once again in the principal’s office. 

I cannot, on my own, be an advocate for each of my children in their schools.  God must raise up others.  God must send help.  He must.

I don’t know how HE does it.  And I confess it can really make me mad in the midst, to be wondering where HE is and why I can’t feel HIM… Because it sure “feels” like I have to do this on my own.

I don’t know how, but I know that even when I don’t feel it or see it or understand it… HE does.  And people are praying, and truth eventually comes around again, and I start to feel it again… and we go around.

**  I really, really, really, really, really, don’t like the load God is asking me to trust Him with.  It is after all about trust isn’t it.  Do I trust He is not going to give me more than I can bear?  (1 Cor 10:13)  I confess it feels like it is too much too many days. 

** So those are my light-bulbs for today.  I don’t have it all figured out, I make mistakes, I feel overwhelmed, I don’t like not getting my way, I am human living on earth… trying to learn to glorify God rather than myself.  Painful.

“All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.”  --John 17:10  (Jesus)

Pam

Loving me a quiet morning…

Because NOTHING is going to be quiet about the rest of my day… or the rest of the weekend for that matter…

Yes, the weekend has started around here.  Fall break & a 4 day weekend.

But it’s after 8 am, and my house is still quiet… there is one little munchkin in the kitchen crunching cereal, but so quiet compared to how it will be.

Sometimes the noise is more than I can take.

But, if it wasn’t there I know I’d miss it dreadfully.

So, I pray, “help me to embrace the noise”… because it won’t always be quite so full or quite so complete.

The noise of the mower & the leaf blower working on leaves.

The noise of voices that just don’t seem to stop and all go at once.

The noise of the squeals jumping in the record breaking pile of leaves we will have once they are all swept up.

The noise of the vacuum cleaning up the leaves that get brought inside on shoes and clothes that have rolled in them.

The washer and dryer that never stop.

The noise of cousins joining together for birthday celebrations… singing at the top of their lungs.

The noise of parents, cheerleaders & student body cheering on our football team to victory.

The noise from the shakers we made last night for the fans to shake during the game.

The noise of the band at our school going to Indy this weekend for state championship.

Noise.

Thank You, God for quiet mornings… time in Your Word…

And now… let the noise begin…

Vlogemotion: WEEK 2!

It has been quite a challenge to get this up here today!  I tried three different ways to get it up here and finally, at 9:40 I got it done!! 

So i am joining Tim @ Fort Thompson for the second week, and I will just let the video speak for itself!

Pam

If I had to sum it up in a word…

Our Tree says it best…

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

-- Isaiah 9:6

And He is…

And the two that we’re not asleep at midnight… and were not sleeping by the tree…

Pam

It’s Christmas Eve…

As I sit here this morning, there is stillness… I hear the music (from my blog) playing low, the fireplace crackling behind me… I lit some candles this morning and did my devotions by candlelight… peace fills my heart.  Peace that comes from God. 

It will be a beautiful day.  Filled with family, food, fun… the kids will be loud, their energy will far outlast ours… they will have trouble falling asleep tonight, and wake far earlier tomorrow morning…

There is just nothing like the magic of Christmas…

“Again therefore Jesus spoke to them, saying, ‘I am the light of the world; he who follows Me shall not walk in the darkness, but shall have the light of life.’”  John 8:12

Merry Christmas.

Pam

Trying to keep it real...

It is challenging sometimes to keep things real... wouldn't' you say?  First of all, we don't really like the reality we are living in.  Second, people can get hurt when we share the reality, as we see it.  And third, sometimes reality scares people away... and then again... sometimes it draws them in.

Does it scare you to bits to know the reality that my family and I have endured?  I was told once by a friend, that I was living out her worst nightmare, and that it made it hard for awhile to talk to me. 

Last week when I was so down... did it discourage you from reading?  Do you think that you dreaded coming and hearing what I had to say, because it was so full of pain?

Pain is part of our lives.  We all experience it.  We all get down.  Discouraged.  Frustrated.  Pretending like we don't is completely unrealistic.

Recently, one of my children had a conversation with a person that could not grasp the magnitude of what our family deals with.  This person told my child that they should be more positive.  More upbeat.  Work harder.  Do more.  My child did not measure up.

My child came home and was devastated.  It all snowballed in their mind.  It all became so much bigger than it was... and all the future problems came crashing down... all the what if's... all the unknowns... all the potential failures... all the inadequacies... all the doubts... all the pain.

You know what?  I listened to this child for 45 minutes... and tried to offer my support... and I had this incredible peace.   I have been in the place my child was so many times... I was just there last week... and I have every confidence that the SAME GOD who lifted this child out of a pit of mire, will lift that child out of a pit of mire... and HE will use this to bring healing and hope back into my child's life... same as HE has done for me... over and over again...

Do I want to become angry at this person for saying what they did?  Yes.  Should I?  Maybe?  Will it help?  No. 

I told my child that this person cannot understand.. this person has never been there. 

I told my child that they CAN understand... because they have been there...

Which is better?

Lord God Almighty... I am reminded today to pray.  To pray for my children to survive this season in our lives.. and for YOU to bring good out of all that has been intended for evil.  I can't do this... but YOU can.  I can't heal their pain.  YOU can.  I can't stop people from saying things that are wrong... but YOU can bring life lessons and help my children realize what NOT to say... YOU can make my children into sensitive, passionate, forgiving, loving, restored, adults... people who are not shallow or unaware... but are aware of life's pain, and YOUR ABILITY TO CARRY US THROUGH THE WORST OF THE WORST...

...and,as hard as it is.... I pray again for the father of these children... I pray blessing... I pray for eyes to be open... for YOUR angels to come and minister to him... in his sleep, in his depression, in every area of his life... bring the promised restoration... I believe YOU for it.

Thank YOU... In JESUS Name... Amen.

Pam

In search of peace

I get so many rare times alone.  I struggle to know what to do with myself when I get some.  I often end up some place lame like Wal-Mart.  Tonight I got one of those rare treats, and since I had already spent my alone time this morning at Wal-Mart ;)  That wasn’t an option.  I had thought of going to the school and watching the homecoming activities, taking pictures like a good bloggy mommy…  then it rained, and I don’t know.  I wanted coffee… but since our Starbucks closed, and all the local places shut their doors at 7… I could’ve went to a prayer room… but It was kind of late to get signed up….

I decided to stay home.  Enjoy the quiet.  It is an amazingly foreign sound to my ears.  I made a 1/2 pot of decaf.  Poured myself a cup with some French Vanilla Creamer… and walked out side.

I had many things on my mind that needed processed.  I had a counseling appointment late in the afternoon that left me with a variety of thoughts floating around.  It had rained this afternoon, the air was so fresh and clean after being dusty for so long.

I took my camera, and my coffee, and went walking…

It was getting dark as I decided to walk back into the woods…

Hoping to catch a deer, unaware… hoping to hear from God… hoping to feel His peace wrapped around me.

I got back near the back of the woods and sat on a rock.

Suddenly I had this thought.  Is it hunting season?

Oh, great, I hope it isn’t hunting season!

I thought, it wouldn’t be bad for me to die… but my poor parents, and children… don’t let me get shot by a hunter Lord! 

It had to have been less than a minute until I heard a gun shot.

Oh crap.

Then I heard quite a few more shots.

I knew they were not in this woods, but another nearby. 

I still announced loudly to the trees, and any hunter sitting in camo, 10 feet up, cursing me for walking in on this hunt, that I was not shooting material!

I quickly left the woods.  ;)

I went back into the house.  The smell of coffee met me… ahhh… another cup.

Went to sit outside, determined to grasp some more of this peace and quiet.

The phone rang.

It was my neighbor from behind (back toward the gunshots).

Wanted to know if I had heard the gun shots.

Um… yeah, I think I heard those.

Does anyone remember this post?  Back in the end of July when there was a cow loose in our woods?  In fact, the cow crossed my mind when I walked back there, I was hoping not to run into him.  Dory had just asked me this morning on the phone if he had ever been found.

They found the cow.

Kids aren’t back yet.  Think I’ll try to find that peace and quiet one more time…

Pam

A new day… New mercy…

Yesterday, the choke was back.  Obviously.

Yesterday, I read what Brent Riggs wrote on their family's blog as they go through the cancer of their daughter Abby.  And then I read what MckMamma wrote about her latest tests on her unborn child with a heart condition.

Can I confess to having a really, really, cynical, ugly, awful thought?

I thought… “yeah, I used to write stuff like that… talk to me in three years.”

This post is in answer to that thought.

A thought that obviously came from the enemy of God.

A thought that the enemy of God really wants me to believe about my God.

That after three years of fighting for my marriage and family that my God has not and will not come through for me.

Brent Riggs, said this in his post, “It's been said that true courage is brave action despite fear. I would say the same principle applies to faith. Real faith, is the CHOICE to trust God despite circumstances that challenge faith. In light of that, I would say to you: Nope, not faking.”

MckMamma said this in her post, “And now, I will bring out the big guns. You see, as much of the Refiner's Fire as I have been going through lately, God's voice is still clearly calling out to me, saying, "Be patient child, I am not finished with you yet." All the struggles and ups and downs our family has been through lately are not the end. God has more in store for us and He wants me to keep clinging to Him alone!!”

In answer I want to tell the Riggs family, and MckMamma’s family, that even if your trial lasts way longer than you can imagine enduring… that same God is still going to be there.

He is going to give you new mercy for each day that you are in that fire.

He is going to give you strength over and over and over again when you just can’t do it any more.

He is going to bring peace and joy into your life when peace and joy shouldn’t be there.

He is going to carry you when you cannot move yourself.

Unfortunately, the enemy of our souls is still there also, trying to cast doubt over every moment that goes by.

And I would say again today…

“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God.’" –Luke 18:27

Pam

Deer

Peace has settled around my heart, like a blanket, tucked in tight, on a cool morning.

Sweet.  Unexplainable.  Undeniable.  Unattainable.  Passes all Understanding.  You shouldn’t really be here under these circumstances, and yet here you are.  Peace.

This morning as my alarm went off I heard the words, “I will worship YOU”.  And then I hit snooze.  I laid there in that 3/4 sleep state, and was amazed. 

When the radio came back on 9 minutes later and woke me again.  I had a splitting head-ache, and just wanted to roll back over and sleep.  I let the radio play.  Point of Grace, song Fearless Heart was playing.

For even the most trusting soul
This world can be a scary place
So much that we can't control
In every moment that we face
When a thousand what ifs
Whisper in our ears
We remember who's we are
And watch them disappear

I wanna live with a fearless heart
Courage that's coming from trust in God
It's constantly guiding me though the road may seem dark
I wanna live, wanna live with a fearless heart

There are worries chasing everyone
It's evident in times like these
But I have found the confidence that comes
From time I spend on my knees
There's a truth I'm holding onto
As these days unfold
Greater is He, God is in you
And hear it in the world

I wanna live with a fearless heart
Courage that's coming from trust in God
It's constantly guiding me though the road may seem dark
I wanna live, wanna live with a fearless heart
He's my strength, He's my shelter
He is with me all the way
He's my light and my salvation
Of whom shall I be afraid, of whom shall I be afraid?

I wanna live with a fearless heart
Courage that's coming from trust in God
It's constantly guiding me though the road may seem dark, yeah
I wanna live with a fearless heart
Courage that's coming from trust in God
It's constantly guiding me though the road is dark
I wanna live, wanna live with a fearless heart
With a fearless heart, with a fearless heart
With a fearless heart

And so the day began.  A day wrapped in peace.  Peace,  Even though things have not happened the way I wanted them to.  Peace, even though I found out more information yesterday about HSSH’s poor choices.  Peace, even though this is the anniversary time of year.  Peace.

I testify to the power of prayer.

I testify to the strength of God made perfect in absolute weakness.

I testify to being able to do all things through Jesus Christ who gives me strength.

Last night, I drove to the corner, to paved roads, to walk with my friend Lora.  I saw deer in two different fields.  Then I saw another one at the corner, on the road.

Then this morning, after Jadon and I dropped Lucas off at the bus stop, we drove in the lane and saw this in our back yard.

I have only witnessed deer that close to our house a handful of times.  Normally, it is in the morning when I first wake up.  They run just hearing the sound of me running water in the house.

This deer stayed right where it was.  Looking at us, through driving into the garage.  Getting out of the van.  Shushing Jadon multiple times, getting my camera, with the windows open, opening the sliding door, walking outside.  Taking a few pictures…

Jadon waving and saying… “HI DEER”… none too quiet…

It mozied it’s way back into the woods…

“He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.”  Psalm 18:33

Pam

I just wanted to be normal...

I’ve had this post rolling around in my mind, waiting to be written for a couple of weeks… at least since I found this verse…

“Then the church throughout Judea, Galilee and Samaria enjoyed a time of peace. It was strengthened; and encouraged by the Holy Spirit, it grew in numbers, living in the fear of the Lord.”  Acts 9:31

When I read it, it stuck with me.  I realized that was what I had entered… “a time of peace”  I was being “strengthened and encouraged by the Holy Spirit”.

I was afraid, in a way, to let myself be peaceful.  What if I let my guard down enough to let peace in, and then was side swiped by fear and frustration again?  Maybe that sounds kind of silly, but to someone who has been living in a state of chaos and survival for almost 3 years, it can be hard to let yourself believe that you will live peacefully again.

I told myself that I was going to take a chance and let myself have peace.  It wouldn't last, but I would be peaceful “today”.

I’ve enjoyed being “normal”.  Cooking again.  Cleaning out closets that have been neglected for years.  Planning some home improvement jobs.  Doing some home improvement jobs.  Facing some of my silly fears, like calling a repair man for the furnace. (which I did, and it is done, by the way)

Today my “normal” came crashing in.  HSSH called again.  He wants to see “the kids” this weekend.  I say “the kids” because he says that, but he really only takes 2 of the 6.  It’s hard and hurtful to explain how and why that came about, I won’t explain that for now.

See, nothing about this is “normal”.  After not seeing him for 2 months, he did what I figured he would do, and blamed me for missing all those visits. 

I cannot express how livid he makes me.  Why can’t he just leave us alone and let us live our “new normal”?  Why can’t he fall flat on his face and see the truth of what he is doing by playing with the kids like he does?  Why can he get away with blaming me for all the mistakes he makes?  Why doesn’t God step in and do something?  Why do I care?  Why can’t I just stop this nightmare?  Why doesn’t it just go away and let us live?  Why can’t I keep my peace?  Why is all of this accepted by our society?  Why can’t this stop?

I took a walk tonight.  I cried out to my ABBA FATHER, who already knows the pain in my heart.  The questions in my soul.  The fears, the doubts, the disappointments.

HE asked me… “Will you trust ME with your new normal?  Will you trust ME with your peace?"

I replied... "I guess, I can.  I am so afraid of being depressed again.  I am so afraid of losing the progress I've made.  I am so sick of all of this.  But I will trust YOU with it."

I have to.  I can't do it.  I can't give myself peace.  I can't preserve that peace.  I can't stop the hurt from coming.  I can't protect my kids.  All I can do is trust HIM.

Help me...

Pam

School

In four days my kids will be headed back to public school.

As I think about his I am thankful.  Thankful for peace about where my kids are going to school.  Thankful for the happy, fun, peaceful summer we had together as a family, the slower days of not running to activities and car-pools.  We had a full summer of fun, growing, and being together.

I haven’t always felt this peace about my kid’s schooling.  My oldest, James, went to the same public school he is in now through the 3rd grade.  Zach went to kindergarten there.  And I was so full of fear for them, and loneliness for them, that I pulled them out and began home schooling them.

I don’t really know if God called us to home school.  I know that it was a control thing for me in many ways.  I didn’t want my kids to follow in the path that their dad and I had.  I didn’t want them exposed to the things that brought us to the point of pregnancy and marriage at 18 and 19/20.

I liked home schooling well enough.  I had lots of support and friends who were home schooling.  I don’t know that I did a real good job at it.  When my kids went back to school in the formal classrooms they were not ahead of the game in any way.  In fact in many ways they were behind.

Would it have been that way if HSSH had not chosen the beginning of the school year to drop his bomb, walk out, and wreck all things “normal” to us?  Maybe, maybe not.

I struggled to hold on to my home schooling “control”  until Thanksgiving that year.   The option to send my kids (tuition free) to a Christian school became available.  And the decision was made easily, in the midst of my shock and grief, to go ahead and let them go there.

The picture that comes to my mind is one of fingernails holding on to a piece of wood and slipping and splintering out of my grip slowly and painfully.  That is how I lost control of all the things that I was trying to control in my life, my husband, my marriage, my children, my house, my adoptions.  I tried to hold on to all of them.  But found that I couldn’t hold on.

Looking back, I am extremely thankful for that school year that the kids were in private school.  They were very well taken care of, tutored, and loved, by people and students who know what a hard time our family was going through.  They truly helped us out in every way that they could, made things easier on us, and help the kids get to the level they needed to be at.

But, as the school year ended and my head was slowly beginning to stop spinning quite so fast, and a little less often, I began to feel like I needed to send my kids back to the public school.  It felt like a crazy idea at first.  With all I knew about home schooling, private school, and public school, I should not be feeling led to send my kids back into public school.

What about all the fears?  What about the peer pressure?  What about the way my life happened after being in public school?  What about HSSH’s life?  Could I face all those fears?  Were they real?  Was I really trusting God with my kids?

I can remember being at the school for one of the kid’s 4-H projects.  I walked around the school praying.  I questioned my ability to make a choice.  I walked down a hall, and saw a class list for my youngest son in school, Lucas.  As I scanned the list, I realized outside of two girls, he really didn’t know anyone on that list.  I thought, I can’t do this to him.  And in my spirit I heard, “You need to give him to ME.”  and the peace began to come.

I did need to trust God with my kids.  I needed to listen and let them go to school where God wanted them to go, instead of where I wanted them to go.  Had I been making all my choices based on my own fears, needs, desires, and hopes?  Had I ever really trusted God with my kids?  Or had I been trying to be God to them and control everything (very poorly I might add)?

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.  --John 17:15-18

These verses were where the final peace about school came for me.  God was sending them into the world, and I needed to trust Him.  My eyes were opened, and I saw my control as the disobedience it really was.  I was convicted to change and to learn to trust God with my children. 

There are times that I still fear.  Ours lives are so different than I thought they would be right now.  But I do have peace.  I am learning to trust God with my kids.  Realizing I am doing and have done the best I could do in the circumstances we have been in and with what I knew.  The rest I am leaving to the grace of God.

I am thankful that I can have wonderful friends in all areas of schooling.  I can listen to my home school friends talk about curriculum and not feel jealous or angry that I can't do that anymore.  I can be content that my kids are where God wants them to be, and there is nothing better than being in the will of God.

Lord Jesus, bless all of the children as they head back to school, home, private, or public.  Bless all the teachers, parents, and staff.  Guide each of us in our place in this world, that we may be exactly where God wants us to be.  Protect each child from the evil one, sanctify them with Your truth.  We thank You, we praise You, we love You, in Jesus name, Amen.

Pam

Peace

The sunrise this morning. I was planning to blog this to you all... tell you how the sun came up again today, even after a hard blow yesterday. And it did come up. Today was tough. I wrestled with many doubts and fears. Negativity was trying to take hold of me. And then there was Kiahna's hair in the midst! Once you start that hair, you can't quit... it just gets so tangled!!

Here is the style I put in today. It is very cute now, but not near as tight as I wanted it to be in the back. I am afraid it is going to look fuzzy in a day or so.

I have to share her hair styles! They take so much work and so much time! I don't know how long this took today, it is a process... taking out the old... oh, I took a picture of it out for you today too!! It is POOFY!!

Washing it, parting it, braiding it, rebraiding it when it doesn't do what you want!!

The day has ended in peace. Tonight was busy. The kids were home alone for much of the time. The house was a disaster when I got home. I didn't lose it, but it was close! They cleaned it up! Leah made this to take to school tomorrow...

It's in a glass pan. She is taking it to school. Mom wasn't home to help.

Got to study vocab with Zach...

Thanks for the prayers today!