Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Man, I've been wanting some red beans and rice for a minute. I soaked my beans the other night, but never got around to cooking them. This morning I was afraid my beans would sprout, so I needed to figure out what I should do. Then I remembered that I have a crock pot in my cabinet. I think I bought it when I moved into my first apartment in Berkeley. I was right out of college, young, and fresh. I happened to ship it back here to New York when I found it in storage. So, I dumped the beans in the pot and turned it on high. Well, the thing only has two settings and no indicator light. I hoped for the best. I got home and all of the water had evaporated and it burned slightly. Note to self, next time leave it on low! I didn't come right home after work tonight. I've had this piece I have been working on for a week now. I wanted to get it finished, but if I come home after work I just crash. I decided to stop at the cute cafe and work on it there. While I managed to stay aw...

“Success” Inaccurately attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. “What Constitutes Success” By Bessie Stanley (1905) He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in o...

When the Gentrifier is Black need i say more?

I don't understand the mindset of our "role models." They may not consider themselves role models, but they are. Kyla Pratt has decided that she is not yet ready to 'commit' to marriage with the father of her daughter, but she committed to having a child with him. That is an 18 year commitment right there. Jennifer Hudson did the same thing, as did Nia Long, and Halle Berry. In Halle's case she swore she wasn't going to remarry. Now that she and the baby's father have broken up, she is remarrying and dealing with a messy custody battle. Regardless of whether you want to commit to that man or not, you are choosing to commit to him when you decide you will bear his off-spring. That is a minimum of an 18 year commitment to that man. I wish they could see it that way.

Received an email from my boss this morning. Sunday morning. Someone's head was put on the butcher block on Friday. This is why I hustle at work. This is why I put all else aside to do what needs to be done. This is why I am riding my assistant to step up her game. I know who my boss is and she doesn't play. She doesn't always know what she is doing, but she will fire your ass in a heartbeat. So glad I am on her good side. Spending today, writing and researching. Yesterday I bought not one, but two new air filters. My apartment gets really dusty because of the cat litter and because I keep my windows open all day, every day, 24/7. There was one that was left by the guy who was here while I was out west. I bought the replacement model for that one which is much quieter. It also comes with an optional air freshener, which is great when my neighbors are smoking or cooking smelly food. I also suffer from allergies spring through fall, so the second filter is a back up. I ...

One of my bosses met with me regarding goal setting. He said that I should consider moving to the next level. I told him I was already looking into programs. His face fell. Said they will need to start looking for a replacement at job fairs in case I leave. I said OK.  He also said that I am a problem-solver. I like that! Met most of my goals already! I went to a training today. Was about 5 minutes late because I took the wrong exit. I figured I would be one of a handful of people of color and I was right. Didn't want to the be the late black girl. Stereotypes. Another black woman came in after me.  Should have brought my camera, but didn't think about it until the elevator was on my floor. Would have been later if I'd gone back. Went out for air during the break and got locked out! Went to the mall afterwards, but didn't shop. Relaxing and hoping to go shoot tomorrow if the sun is out again.  This weekend is over way too soon! I can't believe it is almost ...

It's Friday. It's raining. I have meetings. I have a training all day tomorrow. I just want some down time. Meh.

When I was little I had no idea what I wanted to be. I think I just wanted to be happy and free. Whenever I responded that I didn't know what I wanted to be I would be chastised. I was told, "You should want to be doctor (not a nurse)."  "You should never teach. You'll never have any money." At six years I was told that I should know what I want to be. By the time I was in high school I still didn't have an idea until one day I discovered I have a passion for TV. I pursued it, but she didn't love me back. I never had enough hustle to make it happen. So eventually I learned to settle. Now I am back where I started. When I grow up, I want to be happy.  I am reading my morning devotional based on Romans 12:2 and it is on this very topic. Everything I have been reading lately has been on this topic. Could it be a sign? Just because you are good at something doesn't mean it is your calling. I should have learned this lesson the last time. Dare to ...

Made it through the day! Clothes are in the wash after a false start. Now to get a dryer is the real challenge. Who would think that Wednesday night would be a busy night in the laundry room. Some of my neighbors have way too many clothes and wash way too often. It doesn't make sense that you have to use all 4 of the washers more than once a week sometimes two times over! You need to live somewhere with your own damn washer! All I ask is to wash once a week and I usually only use 2 washers. If I am washing rugs I might use 3 and I usually take my comforters to the public laundromat. People should have courtesy. For example, I have blogged about the times I have seen red when my neighbors take my clothes out the washer or dryer. But if you finish a load and see me waiting to start my wash and you have one blanket left to wash - come on! Common courtesy would dictate letting the person who needs to do a load wash their clothes and coming back another night to wash that lone blanket. ...

All I've wanted to do this week was go out with my camera and come home and write. I've had so many obligations that have prevented it. By the time I settle in from work, I am too tired to do anything. In the morning I am just trying to get my mind ready for work. Today was very productive. I got up early, read, and managed to get to work without rushing. Got a lot done at work. Got the keys back from the petsitter, went to NJ to grocery shop, and I am finally sitting still. It is not even 9 and I am ready to go to sleep. I am trying to keep my eyes open so I don't wake up at 2 or 3 AM. On the agenda tomorrow, boring ass meeting, then come home to wash clothes. I still need to clean the apartment since that didn't happen over the weekend. At least it is a light cleaning since I have been managing to keep things in order. Hoping that Thursday and Friday I can just relax. And write.

Sometimes you've just got to tell folks that "they've got to do better."  Today was one of those times. Girlfriend was mad, but she knew she had to step her game up. I think she is finally realizing that this is real life. I'm going to need you to do your job and I need you do it well. So I put a plan of action into place. Weekly meetings to check in on her progress, prioritizing projects for her (since she can't seem to handle it on her own), helping her plan ahead so our volunteers can help her get organized and stop hiding work!  This girl has a lot of poor work habits. I think she thought it was enough to just show up to work on time every day [insert buzzer] WRONG! If she needs to come in early or stay late to get her work done then that is what she has to do. Hell, everyone else does it. I hope that we can eventually be on the same page, because I am about ready to beat her ass! If she can't handle this job I am wondering how the hell she is goin...

Planned to get up a little earlier today - around 6:15 AM. Actually woke up around 5 and got up around 5:30-ish. Started my routine early and was finished by the time the alarm went off. Now I'm reading my devotionals and I am getting sleepy again. Last night I went to bed mad. I read and that must have rested my mind enough for me to wake up early and energetic. I wouldn't mind waking up early every morning as long as I feel refreshed. Will keep along this path of reading and reflecting and see if that is the mental boost I've been needing.

I wound up doing little to nothing this weekend. I had all kinds of big plan, but those went down the drain when I started to feel like I was coming down with something on Friday night. I went into action loading up on my arsenal of vitamins and supplements. I slept all day Saturday. Was so groggy I couldn't even function. Sunday, I was a bit better, but still didn't have enough energy to get up and out. I spent Sunday reading devotionals and planning out the week ahead. I didn't grocery shop so I had to be strategic about what I was going to eat for the week. The week before I had gone out of town, so I didn't grocery shop or have lunch prepared. I had to wing it for lunch and that is always a drag. I didn't want to get caught out there this week. I still had some of my 17 bean soup left so I am going to mix some noodles in there and take that for a couple of days. I also made a 3 bean salad and that should hold me another couple of days. Thinking I might do sautee...

Trying to decide what to do. We are expecting a big snowstorm and I need to do my weekly shopping. I am exhausted and I am parked in a good spot. "Law and Order" is supposed to shoot in the neighborhood on Monday and there will be nowhere to park. I'm thinking that if we get a significant amount of snow I won't have to move the car on Monday. I think I will have to roll the dice and call it an early night. I will probably wind up catching the subway or bus downtown to do my shopping this week. Either that or "make do." I need a weekend to take things easy after the last few weeks of being on the go...as long as I don't fall back into lazy mode. It might be nice to go out with the new camera to catch the snow. We'll see. I need to write this weekend anyhow.

I just realized that everything I need is at my finger tips. I have connections to people who have connections who have connections. I just need to take advantage of it. We are expecting 2 snow storms. The one tonight is not supposed to be a big deal. The one Saturday is supposed to be pretty bad. Guess I will need to go grocery shopping after work tomorrow. I have been enjoying this relatively mild winter. I need to pursue my passion. Life is so fragile. I have so much more living to do. I mostly listen to pop/dance music rather than r&b and rap now. My guilty pleasures though are NIP and Flower Bomb. I'm so ratche t! Law & Order is shooting on my street, so I will having to strategize to find parking over the weekend - when we are also expecting a snow storm!

There was a calm that came over me today. Like, I've come to terms with my life. I had an appointment to photograph a new entertainment venue coming and then treated myself to a healthy dinner here and finally got my nails done. Long overdue. Finally getting my life back on track. I picked up a bottle of wine on the way home and now I don't want this night to end.

Definition of EFFICIENCY 1 : the quality or degree of being efficient 2 a : efficient operation b (1) : effective operation as measured by a comparison of production with cost (as in energy, time, and money) (2) : the ratio of the useful energy delivered by a dynamic system to the energy supplied to it 3 : efficiency apartment See efficiency defined for English-language learners » See efficiency defined for kids » Examples of EFFICIENCY Because of her efficiency , we got all the work done in a few hours. The factory was operating at peak efficiency . A furnace with 80 percent fuel efficiency wastes 20 percent of its fuel. The company is trying to lower costs and improve efficiencies . First Known Use of EFFICIENCY 1633 Related to EFFICIENCY Synonyms: edge , effectiveness , effectualness , efficaciousness , efficacity , efficacy , productiveness Antonyms: ineffectiveness , ineffectuality , ineffectualness , inefficiency

Why can't people just be honest? With me and with themselves.  Every time I think my assistant is improving she does some dumb stuff that makes me want to rip my hair out. When I hired her I told her what I needed and she ensured that she could deliver. When I ask her to do something she either totally doesn't understand what I need or totally blows it off. I keep finding crap I asked her do months ago buried under piles of papers or not even started. Even when I follow up with her to see how she is doing on something she either 'forgot' or is still working on it. Mind you, this is stuff I asked her to start months prior. I wind up doing most of it myself. Some of it is slightly challenging so she can learn how to do it, but even the really simple mindless stuff is getting pushed off. That is so frustrating because I need the stuff done. What does she think, that the stuff is going to go away because I don't ask her about it every single minute of ever day? When she...

I forgot how relaxing it can be to ride the train. I am heading back to New York on the Amtrak now as the dark sky envelopes us. Just a few days away can make all the difference. I slept horribly the night before I left. We partied all of Saturday night then ended the night at Ben's being jostled around in the line that snaked around the tight diner. And while I am trying to chance my diet, that dog was so good! Believe the hype! Sunday we did nothing and today we pretty much did nothing as well. Actually we did a drive by of the M.L.K. memorial. Will post pics after I upload them. Having free wi-fi on the train is awesome!  I'll have to push through until President's Day. Might try to take a day trip somewhere else. Here's to hoping things start to improve!

Today we had snow flurries. Not enough to stick, but it was a virtual snow globe of the wet flakes flying through the mean streets and slapping people in the face. I was in a pretty good mood today, but there are people at my job who w ant to see me broken. Bowed head and lowered eyes, Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries.  -Maya Angelou  We talk so much about bullies, but adults can be worse bullies than kids. I grew up being bullied, so I know when someone is trying to intimidate me and be condescending. It is sad, really. We are supposed to be professionals, but we are reduced to interacting with one another like children.When there is that much tension and animosity in the workplace, I know that it is time to go.  We had meetings all day and my boss took the back seat. She is checked out and I think just waiting for her next opportunity to arrive. She definitely bit off more than she could chew with this job. Bless her heart. ...

Today I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. Perhaps I am on the verge of a breakthrough. I literally felt broken this afternoon. I couldn't go back to sleep last night so I started looking into going back to school this year. I'm in the process of completing my application now. I have to go. I started crying because this community breaks my heart. I try my hardest, but I always wind up being pegged the "bad guy." I quit! When things get like this, I know that it is time for me to go. So I am going. I have to go now. There is a lead position open for applicants at my job for September. They want you to do the equivalent of another job for an extra $9K. Why not round it up to $10K? Better yet it should be $12K. No one wants the extra work. Who can blame them? You aren't appreciated for what you already do so why do more? *shrugs* An extra $9K won't bring me joy. I'm just ready to leave...now. Other people make decisions, yet I get blamed for them....

There have been many emails, memes, and blog post about what it means to be a Strong Black Woman. Michelle Obama spoke recently about the stereotype of the Angry Black Woman (ABW) but what about the fallacy that we must always be strong? As the product of generations of female headed household, I was raised to be fiercely independent and a SBW. This made me an ABW in the long run. I thought of this when Michelle spoke of being labeled an ABW, but also when I spoke to someone today who told me that her father passed, but she didn't show emotion to her daughters. How the hell do you NOT show emotion when your father dies? It is an unrealistic an unhealthy expectation. Little black girls should NOT be raised to hide their emotions. I know how damaging it was to me. I used to cry at the drop of a hat as a child. They called me sensitive. I was labeled weak. Eventually I learned to hide my emotions. To develop a "poker face." To never "let them see me sweat." I deve...

So, the reason I am feeling stuck right now is because my career path is my plan B. I was always taught to have a plan B prepared and this is it. It has served me well to basically keep my head above water (barely.) My aunt seems to think I should be grateful to not be in the same position as these folks.   While she has a point, she also needs to keep in mind that I invested EVERYTHING - money, time, relationships - into my education. I should be reaping what I sowed. Then I see other people out there who are true blue hustlers and I understand why I am where I am. My hustle factor is lacking. So 2012 is going to be the year of hustling. Hustle, hustle real hard!

Dear Self, You can't save the world. Love, Me

Lately on the weekends I automatically wake up at 9:30 AM. My commitment has been to get going as soon as my foot touches the ground. I had fallen into a lazy mode where if I wasn't up and showered by say noonish it was pretty much a wrap for that day. I got up and started moving today. I think it is because I am increasing my energy by changing my dietary habits and vitamin regime. I was so sluggish for so long. I am beginning to feel like my old self. I spent last night playing music and dancing. I danced the blues away.   Woke up to gospel music playing. Watched CBS Sunday Morning. I feel like once that TV goes on or the laptop is cracked open my time is sucked away. I am also hoping that I can maintain it. Now that I think about it, I am still fresh off of vacation mode so I am still relatively refreshed. I am committed to treating my body better this year though. I am going to cook a head of cabbage and some lentils to eat this week. I was going to do red beans, but I w...

Today was unseasonably warm. While I wound up having a bout of depression creep up on my I forced myself out of the house to partake in the weather. I went to the Golden State Plaza Mall. Most boring mall ever! Every time I go to that mall I am bored out of my mind. It is a big mall, but not very engaging. Went to Nordstrom's and Macy's MAC counters to get a tube of Desire lip glasse. Both of them out. Both of them also had very unpersonable staff working there. Ugh! I remember when MAC had the most exciting and engaging staff in the entire the cosmetics department. Music would be bumping and chairs sales would be ringing. It was like a party! Now, eh! I will probably have to go down to the MAC store on 125th Street to get it or go downtown to 34th Street where the "real" professionals work! Either that of go to the Macy's at Palisade's. Now that is an engaging mall! Any way, the only reason I went to the mall was to go to the Coach store for their Poppy per...

NewBlackMan: Finding Tea Cake: An Imagined Black Feminist Manho... : Finding Tea Cake: An Imagined Black Feminist Manhood by Mark Anthony Neal God, I want a Tea Cake! I have to read this book again. Tea Cakes makes me want to be in love.

I read a post today that said, "writing is a way of talking without being interrupted." I feel like it is a way of expressing my feelings without being told that what I feel/think is wrong. Sometimes sh*t is just really effed up and there is no getting around that. Doesn't mean someone is wallowing in negativity. Expression is a way of working through your thoughts and feelings. If someone keeps telling you that you are wrong for thinking and feeling as you do then it hinders you. This year is all about progress. Gotta make those moves. Miss having someone to hash out my plans with though.

I had a bad day. The week wasn't great, but the day was the kicker. I am so ready to do something tonight. Not sure what. Wish I could go out of town for the weekend. Going to start planning mini weekend escapes.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2082704/Photojournalist-Eve-Arnold-captured-iconic-images-Marilyn-Monroe-dies-aged-99.html

Today at work reminded me why I am hustling so hard to get the hell up out of there this year! Morale stinks! My coworkers are so inappropriate and uninspired. Feels like high school with all the B.S. Moving on! Feel stuck, but I know I will be able to pull myself out of the mud and clean up.

I did something that was really selfish. And I don't feel bad about it. I'm so sick of feeling indebted to people. It is taking  toll on my soul. The thing about vacations is that they remind you what feeds your soul. I need to feed my soul. I spent the day job hunting. I need to have something lined up by April. This is my mission.

After a fire alarm went off in my friend's building (pictured left) while I was in the shower after a night of too much drinking and dancing, we evacuated into the cold. We landed at the Steak n Egg Kitchen which is perfect for curing a hang over with greasy American food. Finally ate at Busboys & Poets. Food was pretty good. I got the Shrimp & Grits. I was stuff! The vibe was interesting. Unfortunately, I was seated near a woman with a stank attitude and the next table over, two girls who insisted on making everyone near them part of their conversation. Service was also lackluster. I would definitely go back for the food with a group of people. They seriously need to open one in Harlem! But not on 125th Street! Dinner at Masala Art Indian Restaurant was absolutely delicious! The samosas were outstanding with a delicious blend of spices. The chicken and rice pot we shared was yummy enough to lick the serving spoon.

I returned to New York on Thursday. What should have been a 4 hour trip turned into around 7 hours. Of course when I am driving I like to lolligag, but the real issue was traffic. It was horrible trying to find a river crossing from New Jersey into New York that was less than an hour wait. I normally take the G.W. Bridge into the city, but I'd heard on the radio that there was an hour delay so I opted to take one of the tunnels instead. I am not a fan of tunnels. What I didn't know at the time was that the tunnels also had an hour wait. I would have preferred to take the bridge had I known that. In any event I took the Lincoln tunnel in and sat, and puttered, and idled as the sun began to set over the Manhattan. The skyline was stunning, but I was ready to be home at that point. Once I was in the tunnel, we continued to sit in stop and go traffic. At this point, I began to get sick from the carbon monoxide building up from the exhaust fumes and started to have a panic attack....