Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Found beauty today I have been on vacation all week and it has gone by so quickly. I had a full list of things to do. I accomplished many but there are others that will need to carry over into the next break I get or just need to be handled whenever I can get to them. I honestly wouldn't mind one more week to finish everything, but on the other hand I can't stand the down time. It makes me realize who incredibly alone I am. I have time to think and feel.  The loneliness cloaks me and wraps around me until I can't breathe. I have been trying to decide if I am going to move or not. I have had a lot of problems where I am and I should move, but it is too soon so I might extend my lease for a few more months until I can get everything sorted out. I went for a long drive today. Well, the intention was to look for furniture because I haven't even furnished this place. Anyway, considering the fact that it is Easter and a Sunday everything had closed by the time I go out...

What a day. Again, I did not hit my goals but boy did I do a lot! I went out move the car and thought I would pick up some groceries while I was out. Well, I then decided that I wanted to do a little clothes shopping so I went into Marshall's. What did I do that for?  I usually avoid stores like Marshall's and TJ Maxx because you have to really spend time looking to get some good deals. For some reason everything was a good deal to me. I guess because I hadn't really been treating myself to shopping excursions as much as I used to back in the day. I used to be a shopoholic. Now I hardly shop at all. I found mostly tops, but that is because that is all I looked through. I went through those racks about three times, finally weeding out what didn't work. I walked away with some nice pieces that can pass for workplace casual. You can dress them up or down. I went HAM crazy in the housewares section. I really want to get organized and I am totally overdue for a makeover. I...

Didn't hit my goals today. I figured I was doomed when I couldn't get to sleep on time last night. Wasted my whole morning and was still groggy. Never kicked into gear. Went to physical therapy and the therapist wants to see me another 4 weeks. My eyes were like a cash register (think the cartoons) where I was adding up my $50 co-pay two times a week times four. Yep. Like that. I hadn't eaten and as I headed to pick up my mega-D prescription from the pharmacy on the other side of town, I realized I was hungry so I stopped and ate. That didn't perk me up any. Sadly, I only logged 2,000 steps today. I'm wondering if my PT work counts as a work out?  I think I am feeling sluggish because I have been lax about taking my vitamins and I haven't been juicing or eating as well as I should. I have to get back on track. My body knows the difference. I was so tired by the time I came home I tried to force myself to stay up so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the...

Took it easy last week since it was July 4th and we were in the midst of a miserable heat wave AND the elevator in my building was broken. I was on vacation, but I was still running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I slept. A lot. So now I feel like I am behind on everything. So this week I am back on it with a to do list. I am also scheduling out my time. Time to exercise, time to write, time to browse the internet, etc.  I can only function well when I have my tasks written down. Otherwise I laze around and wonder where the time went. Yesterday I sat down and thought about what needed to get done and I wrote it all down. I paid all of my bills for the month. I received a letter telling me what my raise would be this year. I was extremely disappointed. Not even $2,000 for the year. I am already underpaid. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back, so I am also scheduling time to job hunt. I am so ready to get out of this area. I had a moment the oth...

All arrows are pointing south. I attended a film screening yesterday about the number of African Americans moving back down south. Places like ATL, Charlotte, Winston-Salem, and New Orleans. All of them are places I have been mulling over. Today attended a workshop where some ladies from New Orleans were in attendance. They were just delightful! Not a fan of heat and humidity which is why I am having such a hard time with New Orleans. I realized that the main thing holding me back has been fear. Not sure when I became so fearful. Probably the last time I leaped and didn't land on my feet. Need to prep my parachute because it is time to jump again.

Had my goal setting meeting with bosses. We are keeping the same goals as last year. I will still casually browse around for a job, but I feel relatively confident that I am safe - for now. Now, my goals for the summer include but aren't limited to: Get my apartment deep cleaned and redecorated Clear out storage unit Travel (even if locally) Take lots of photos: Do a neighborhood project where I shoot different blocks and neighborhoods each day.  Go to Brooklyn - a lot! Go to lots of free concerts Score lots of rush tickets to see Broadway shows Hit the gym, swim, walk, and bike Write, write, write! Get to one of those Korean spas I keep hearing about Stay on top of my pedicures and massages Watch plenty of sunrises and sunsets Get back to living a clean life Rediscover joy Go to the beach - a lot! Laugh - a lot! Get my finances in order Catch up on the magazines that have piled up Catch up on the books that have piled up Takes lots of relaxing baths Have f...

...how. How do I drop the walls that I have spent a lifetime building up around me?  How do I feel safe enough to expose my venerability?  I am on this quest for knowledge.

This is so me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Counselor_%28role_variant%29 and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idealist_temperament There has been a lot going on at work. My boss has "cleaned house" and it is so strange, yet interesting, to see the skeletal collection of staff who remain. The energy of our last meeting was so different from the hostility that had been throughout our workplace interactions. I didn't realize how certain people can have such a huge impact on an environment. I think the fact that we are the "last ones standing" has in a way forced us to bond when we hadn't before. A lot of the cliques and undercurrent of discontent had vanished. Perhaps she is more perceptive than we give her credit. We were asked to sweep it all under the rug and move forward as about half of our staff will be newcomers. Everyone is positive that a new energy will be good for helping us get back on track. Yesterday was a different story. Yesterday the discon...

I let someone ruin my day. Joy fail! Will try harder tomorrow!

I have spent the entire weekend doing back end "stuff" for my other websites. I want to get things in order in case I need to depend on them for income at some point. My boss has been firing people left and right and I don't want to get caught out there. Trying to define my brand and market myself for opportunities that could result in me changing directions. It's an investment worth making to preserve my sanity and health. Time to start counting down to vacation. So ready for it!

Listening to love songs for the last few days has me missing having someone to love.  While I don't miss the common B.S. that comes along with relationships, I think living wouldn't be so overwhelming if I had someone to look forward to spending time with when I am not working. I could see myself curled up on a chaise lounge staring out at the water from a rented beach house on vacations. Sipping a cup of coffee or a green smoothie. Toes painted and free from shoes. I can see the white window sheers billowing in the salty air blowing in from open window. I can hear the birds calling to each other side. I can smell the scent of honeysuckle as it drifts through the air from the nearby garden. Sweet. Can't you hear the waves in the distance?

This needs to be my theme song!

Someone was tweeting about how visionary she is. How she can see her future and it gives her comfort to know that she is moving in the right direction. I can't remember the last time I was able to visualize my future. I used to feel it all of the time. I would make vision boards and I would journal my dreams and hopes. Many times they would come true. So I am going to put my hopes and dreams out in the universe and hope that this time next year I will be able to cross them all off. Titles I hope to hold by May 2013: Independently wealthy World Traveler Writer Homeowner Wife Fit and Healthy Debt free Friend Joyful Free Embracing these titles in whatever form they take. Ashe.

So glad that I learned early that I am the only one I can count on in life. Nothing but the grace of God keeps me going.

Woke up this morning with a headache. Probably sinuses. I went to dinner at Cheesecake Factory and ordered Louisiana Shrimp. Fortunately I hadn't eaten all day because the calorie counts and portions are ridiculous. I ordered a piece of carrot cake to take home and I had a little for breakfast with my coffee. It really is a lot. I will probably be eating it for the next 3 days. Going out in search of pampering since it didn't happen yesterday. Then grocery shopping and cleaning. Busy next few weeks ahead. Need to get primed to handle it.

My birthday doesn't officially begin until 8ish tomorrow morning, but I am feeling so blessed to see another year of life. This year has been a challenge, but I have persevered. I am fighting to survive and I am winning! The confirmation of a clean bill of health was the added inspiration I needed to continue making positive changes. I still have to get my mammogram and GYN examination, but for now I am riding this wave of feeling blessed and healthy. Forty-three is going to be amazing. I just know it! Update: And just as quickly my mood shifted and I suddenly felt so alone and sad. I have been needing a good cleansing cry but haven't been able to do it. I am tired of holding my feelings in. I want to feel again. Numb is so overrated.

Other than oversleeping and getting to work late (then trying to play it off) I had a pretty decent day. I can't think of anything to complain about. I am psyched about going into my birthday weekend! Spa day! My doctor also gave me a clean bill of health! She recommended that I get Physical Therapy for the foot issue. I agreed that it might be helpful. She also prescribed a high dosage of Vitamin D. Now, vitamin D is one of the vitamins I had been taking daily. Turns out it wasn't nearly enough. I was taking about 1,000 IUs a day with  combination of a daily vitamin, D supplement, and Calcium with D. She prescribed 50,000 IUs in the form of a pill I take once a week. HUGE difference. She said it will help with the bone density, boost my immune system, and even help with depression. The last one caused my ears to perk up! She also recommended the following: 2 grams of fish oil a day. Now keep in mind they sell it in mgs, so I freaked out when I realized I would have to conver...

Went to an official opening of a place tonight. The place has been open for months and has even had a name change since it has opened its doors. Tonight was basically the PR opening. There was another grand opening the other night that was open to the "public." The private event was nice because it wasn't too crowded and everything was on the house. I haven't been drinking, but I did have a couple of glasses of champagne. I tasted their vegetarian and seafood options. They were pretty good, but not great. I stayed for a good two hours then walked (hobbled) across the neighborhood to catch the bus home. It was a lovely evening. Once I find the cord to this camera I used I will try to upload a few pics I took of the neighborhood. I am so snooty now that I have the fancier camera, but hey it got the job done better than my camera phone. The best part of the evening was the live jazz band. I need to go out and experience that more often. Here's to rediscovering what...

I should be at work, but I am mentality whipped. I needed to get myself together before rushing into work. I feel like I am a mess. I know I look a mess. I could totally play hooky today and disappear into the winding streets of Chinatown with my camera or drive into the mountains and commune with nature. Instead, I will be at work. Trying to maintain my sanity. A co-work was let go yesterday. She was a really nice woman who didn't know how to navigate the rough waters. The work we do is incredibly tough. Harder than it has to be. Most of my coworkers are also washed out. I am looking for a way to preserve my well-being.

Finally the end of the week. I made it through and look forward to a wonderful and relaxing weekend. I haven't decided what I want to do yet. I want to shop, but I have responsibilities like cleaning, laundry and bills to pay. I want to go to the beach if it gets warm enough and let the sun caress me. Rough week. Next week will be intense, but I expect it to be easier. At least I hope it will be easier. The day ended with me overhearing someone complaining about some decisions I made with someone else. They were being really sneaky about it. Monday will be interesting.