Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

As I look back over my Novembers past I see a trend. I am in rut. Every.single.fall. I am unmotivated, uninspired, and don't want to interact with anyone. If I could hibernate until spring I would. S.A.D. is real. I need to find a way to reenergize. I need to find a way to feel inspired again. I am tired of my energy and moods being up and down. I wish I could be energetic and bubbly. I wish I was the type of person who could reach deep down inside and fake it to make it. It is a beautiful sunny day out. It was yesterday as well and I don't want to leave my apartment. My apartment is clean and my clothes are washed an ready for the week ahead. I cooked chicken and chicken soup yesterday and cleaned up a bit but that was all I had the energy to do. I got up and made pancakes for breakfast. I need to go grocery shopping and I am long overdue for a pedicure, eyebrow wax, and massage. Yet, I can't find the motivation to leave. I just want to stay home. Worst case scenario I...

My weekend was a wash. It had been raining for days and my mind and body shut down and refused to function. I pretty much came home from work on Friday and that was all she wrote. I needed to get work done this weekend but my mind just wasn't focused enough to do it. So when Monday rolled around I decided to take a day off. I need to have these days to regroup sometimes.  I managed to get more done before noon than I have all week. I paid rent, mailed a form to my student loan lender, washed my clothes and bedding, cleaned the cat box, cleaned the oven (it is self-cleaning) flipped my mattress, followed up on getting licensed out of state, and handled a few random items. All before noon. Not to mention I am showered and dressed! Go me! I need to do some reading for work, plan out the rest of my week, and go through papers to find my referral for dental work. I will need to get extractions of my remaining wisdom teeth and a root canal on a tooth that a stupid dentist in New York t...

So glad that I learned early that I am the only one I can count on in life. Nothing but the grace of God keeps me going.

This is my 1001st post on this site. This blog is about old as dirt.  When life is on the upswing I don't blog as much. Now that I am in a rut I am here all the time. I am in such a funk. I want to get under the covers and stay here indefinitely. My job is practically unbearable at this point. I am having a hard time dealing with life in general. I haven't fallen back on my usual coping mechanism, but I have recently been very tempted to get a bottle of some brown liquor. I think of the long term effects and drink juice instead. I am sad. I get these waves of sorrow that wash over me throughout the day. Spring is a time of rejuvenation and joy. What happened?

I just finished reading this article and I am finally going to admit it. I am depressed and I have been depressed for a very long time. I have been denying that I was depressed. Even wished it away or said it's not so bad because I am still functional. The reality is that I've been holding on. But I am not happy. I deal with situations. Mostly in unhealthy ways. I have stopped drinking so maybe it is clear now that I need to do something about the underlying issues that are eating me. I realize that I may have to go into therapy before I am prescribed pills. So, I am resigned to get some of these monkeys off of my back. Clearing the cobwebs out of my closet and just being free. Free to live. I feel trapped now. Trapped in this body. Trapped in this job.  Trapped in this field. Trapped in this apartment. Trapped in this neighborhood. Trapped in this city. Trapped in this mindset of being trapped. I feel mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. Like the commercial where ...

I just want to dance tonight. I wish there was a club in my neighborhood where I could just dance - just spin in the middle of the floor while singing at the top of my lungs. All the clubs/bars around here are hip hop. I was so depressed this afternoon I didn't know what to do. I finally found a station playing dance music and was able to pull myself up. I think hip and R&B are killing us. Even thought the same songs and same beats are played over and over and over again, it is still better than the strip club music they play on the "black" stations. I know what club I can go to in D.C., but I would have to go all the way downtown to dance here. I feel so alive when I am dancing. I wish I could do it every night so I can feel alive. Dance the blues away!

Today was unseasonably warm. While I wound up having a bout of depression creep up on my I forced myself out of the house to partake in the weather. I went to the Golden State Plaza Mall. Most boring mall ever! Every time I go to that mall I am bored out of my mind. It is a big mall, but not very engaging. Went to Nordstrom's and Macy's MAC counters to get a tube of Desire lip glasse. Both of them out. Both of them also had very unpersonable staff working there. Ugh! I remember when MAC had the most exciting and engaging staff in the entire the cosmetics department. Music would be bumping and chairs sales would be ringing. It was like a party! Now, eh! I will probably have to go down to the MAC store on 125th Street to get it or go downtown to 34th Street where the "real" professionals work! Either that of go to the Macy's at Palisade's. Now that is an engaging mall! Any way, the only reason I went to the mall was to go to the Coach store for their Poppy per...

I am swaddled in a deep blue blanket of despair Winter has cloaked the world outside in an icy white sheath I try to pull myself up out of the folds of the thick blanket to catch a sliver of winter sun I am gripped in a cold fear - an irrational fear Were it not winter I would not be in this place of unrest...disease...discomfort. Who will catch me when I fall? When the bright colors of spring appear I can finally feel alive I need the renewal of spring. I need to shed this blanket of despair. I need to feel the sun warm on my face, arms, spirit. I was born in the summer. I am meant to curl up in the fetal position and wait for spring. The transition is painful. I feel vunerable. I cry out. My soul yearns for peace. I wait for my bright yellow blanket to cover me. I am a child of summer. (c) 2010 Tinker Belle's Twilight

With all the talk about mental illness and dis-ease I found myself needing to take a mental health day. Granted I just came off vacation earlier this month and we had MLK Day off, but this week I have been having an internal battle to follow through. I have deadlines at work, I've put my personal projects aside, and I have tax and legal issues I am sorting through. I've tried to stay positive and upbeat, but it is wearing on me as everything is coming to a head. My job requires a lot of interpersonal skills and I just couldn't muster them up this morning. It wasn't because of the weather or any other external factors so to speak. It was just not in me today. I took the morning off and starting cleaning my house. This can also be a metaphor for our lives. How can I take care of others when my own house is not in order? As the dust and the dirt and the layers dissolved, so did the mental weight that I was carrying around. My internal weight affects my external wei...

I could probably write about the issues presented in the movie "Precious" for the rest of the year. Today's topic is mental illness in the black community. How does mental illness differ in the black community than others?  Primarily the fact that there is a stigma attached to being counseled by someone other than clergy. Now, this isn't a singularly black issue, however it is one of the factors that contributes to the high number of untreated and undiagnosed cases of mental ill individuals in our cities and towns. Mary (played by Mo'Nique) had the classic symptoms of a mentally ill person in "Precious."  She suffered from clinical depression and seemingly a form of paranoid schitzophrenia . This was evident by the fact that she sat in a dark house, curtains drawn day after day with the TV on as she smoked her cigarettes and playing numbers that she would send Precious out to get for every day. She had no friends or close relationships and was devoid o...

I think that I can make it...the storm is over now - Kirk Franklin I didn't realize that I haven't posted a blog since last month. Time has been of the essence. In the time that has passed, things have somewhat settled down. Still no laptop. Not sure what the issue is and I even contemplated going with a different company but I want the laptop I ordered. I went to Best Buy and they are selling the same product for about twice as much. So, I took the money I would have spent on a laptop and used it as a downpayment on a used vehicle. That's right...I have wheels now. Can I say how convenient it is to just jump in my ride and go where I need to go without strategizing and planning?! I've also gone ape crazy buying music. in addition to the CDs I bought last month (MJB, Jill Scott, Emily King, Dwele, Ledisi), I've added some of the following to my collection: Raheem Devaughn Kanye West Alicia Keys Maroon 5 Common So far I am IN LOVE with Raheem (again!) and Kanye (alt...

This is great advice for staying the course: Becoming either too comfortable with yo ur life or too fearful and depressed can stop you from growing. Even thoug h the way to success may seem crazy and hazy, never give up your dream, faith, self- esteem and determination. Allow me to encourage you today. Learn to silence the voice of your inner critic. Silence the voice of worry, jealousy and fear. You can accomplish an ything as you learn to focus, believe in yourself, stay the course, discipline your weak areas, balance your life, remain teachable and adhere to God's guidance fo r your life. Remember these five ways to be happy: Free your mind from worry and fear. Take care of your body. Your health is your first wealth. Live simply with order, beauty, peace, love and gratitude. Give yourself permission to explore the opportunities to live in your purpose. Only the strong survive. So strengthen your areas of weaknes...