Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Going through a transitional stage in life is challenging. I am all over the place. I invested too much time and energy into something that didn't value me. It was said in the way that I was treated and then confirmed in words. We don't value you or what you bring to the table. So, I pulled way back. When I see people who aren't doing half of what I am doing getting by then I figure that must be the ticket. So, I now invest my time and energy in other things. Primarily myself. When I feel myself spinning I have to stop and regroup. When my body is telling me it can't move another step I have to stop. Today was one of those days where I had to stop. I had been sick. My mind was racing. I had to stop. I don't know if I mentioned it (I probably did) but I am working 3 jobs (pretty much). One full time job and two part-time jobs. One is as a trainer as an independently contractor and the other is with my primary employer leading training sessions as well. Now my f...

People often wonder why I don't have kids. It was a personal choice. I didn't have the best childhood. It wasn't the worst either, but there were all forms of abuse that shaped my development. I am speaking on this now because I just received my father's death certificate. My dad died 9 years ago. My (half) sister never sent me a copy of the death certificate nor told me the cause of death. I was like Tupac about the situation "my anger wouldn't let me feel for a stranger."  My dad wasn't part of my life for most of my life. He was a chronic drug abuser. So when I got the death certificate it shouldn't have shocked me that the cause of death was drug overdose, but it still hurt. My dad had his own set of emotional issues. He just chose to self-medicate. I always felt like he chose drugs over me and that it was a selfish decision. So, what does this have to do with me having kids?  I simply chose to not bring children into a world that is unstable...

I haven't had panic attacks in a while. I am starting to feel like I did a few years ago. Breaking into a sweat, shallow breathing, dizziness, sense of doom. I am waking up with that feeling like there is rock in the pit of my stomach. I am going through a spirit shift and I think it has to do with the fact that I am not being true to myself in an effort to make up for what was perceived to be lost or to prove myself. I realized that I am looking for approval. As someone who has either same competitively, performed, produced, etc. the fact that I do my job every day without a "win" is killing my spirit. I keep doing more to seek out that win to no avail. It seems the more I try to earn a win, the more loses I accumulate. So, I have decided to step back. To acknowledge that I am trying to take on too much and it is probably something that I am not even truly passionate about anyway and admit my lose. Let me go back a bit, I currently have 3 jobs. Two part time and on...