Instinct or Destiny??

Do we listen to our Instinct or blankly believe in destiny?

I think of this topic quite often. I am a strong believer of sixth sense because time and again I do listen to my instinct and most of the time it works. It’s not just a coincidence that it works out; there is some strong power which tells us if things are going to be fine or if there is any danger.

Human being's 'sixth sense' for danger, long dismissed by some scientists as myth, actually exists in a part of the brain that also handles conflict resolution, according to a recent report in the journal Science. Intuition refers to our gut instincts which are mental shortcuts used to make a snap judgment based on experience and environment," says David Myers, PhD, author of Intuition. Your unconscious mind picks up on clues below the surface of rational awareness and communicates the info to you via intuitive feelings. It's like a little covert operation in your head.

Personally it matters to me a lot. I was at my friend’s place the night before I met with the accident. My friends were planning to go to a hill station to see the sunrise. We used to go to that place pretty often though the place was dangerous and many people died in some accident. Hill stations are not generally safe. No matter how careful we are if it’s our destiny we can’t fight against, what has to happen will happen. Anyways, coming back to the story, quiet often we used to go there to see the sunrise and unwind in the calm breeze. Knowing the fact that the mortality rate increased in that area didn’t seem to faze us.

When everyone was keyed up to visit the place I had something in my mind saying not to visit the place. Like something bad might ensue. I was chatting with a friend through sms and telling him that I didn’t feel like going. Everyone was very excited though. I didn’t want to disappoint them as I was always ready to go anywhere. I tried to convince Rohit to drop the idea, but seeing Akhil’s enthusiasm and willingness he assured me that we’ll have fun and that we should go. Next morning at 5 we left to see the sunrise. Throughout the way I was petrified with the deep fog and the shadow of the long tree. I had been to same road enumerable times, but at that moment I wasn’t enjoying the ride. Throughout the way I prayed to god to reach safely. Our bike skid once at the last turning of the hill. We both fell but it wasn’t a major one. We weren’t hurt. We didn’t know that small incident was an indication to something big thing that was about to come. On my way back I met with this deadly accident.

Had I heard my gut feeling, I would have been safe, leading a perfectly normal life of enjoying my office, partying, hanging around with friends and remain happy always.

Another deliberation blocks my mind. Wasn’t it destiny? Is it doomed that no one can fight it? What is supposed to happen? Should I have left things on providence or should I have listened to my instinct. If I Had listened to my heart would I have been secure today… thoughts still ponder my mind like a river which does not know its end but it keeps on flowing..

It's LoVe

Togetherness

Unfulfilled Desires

Didn't find your hand to hold when i was low
All the love, the care was just a show
Didn't get the hug when my hope dried
I was alone with heavy hearts, so i cried
Didn't find the soul which could look into my eyes and say
"that's not you, YOU don't look good when you are sad. . Please smile."

The Day

Too everyone who ever thinks what actually happened to me. Why do I keep talking about loss, pain, suffering, destiny, fate etc.

Here is the story.

It was morning 9:30 a.m. on 7th October 2007 when my world turned upside down. The time my eyes opened I realised I was lying on the street near by the road with so many people around me, looking at my face as if something bad had happened to me. I thought something went wrong. Some seconds of my life is missing (I had blacked out for some seconds).. I was not on the bike.... Bike?? Where is the bike?? Where is he?? How did I land here?? What happened to me? Avoiding the crowd of people I was trying to stand on my leg. Next thing I remember is I saw my left foot was facing left side when I was actually lying flat on my back with a straight leg. This couldn’t have happened. What happened to my leg? I saw Manish standing behind me. He was on other bike with Sunil and was riding behind our bike. I screamed – ‘Manish what happened to me’. He said ‘kuch nahi. Everything will be fine don’t worry.’ I could hear an ambulance coming closer to me. I asked a guy to hold my foot in upright position. I was carried to hospital. I breathe normally. I didn’t feel much pain.. But where is he?

I landed in the hospital which was 100 meter away from the accident spot. I saw him next to my bed. The helpers separated our bed with a curtain and we couldn’t see each other’s face. All I could hear was is voice asking me if I ask fine. I felt some pain in the left leg. I asked the nurse to cut my jeans (my favorite jeans); I saw the wound was too bad. But I don’t know how, there was power inside me to face all that as if it’s just a matter of some minutes. My finger too was broken. I was taken to x-ray room and in some minutes I saw many of my friends surrounding me. I called my cousin as he was only my relative staying in B’lore. I called my sister in Nepal to inform her that it was serious and they had to come down. She thought I was kidding. Later she believed when someone else informed her about it. By the time my parents landed in hospital I already had ten hours surgery. I didn’t hear much. I could see with low vision. I couldn’t move my body. I was in ICU for ten days. He came to visit me on sixth day before leaving B’lore. You might be thinking what happened to the guy? He broke his left hand. I had no idea how did the accident happened. I was in general ward for 10 more days. Between that I had many surgery and bad news with a tinge of good news which still was bad. They saved my leg.

Present scene – I am in Nepal in my home town. I’m still not able to walk properly. I use crutch to walk which irritates me as it keep falling down when I put it in corner when I don’t need them. I have half plaster till my knee from my foot. I am not able to bend my knee which will (I hope) happen soon. I am not under any medication. I might have to go through one or two more operations. My fracture is not yet repaired though I have shown to the best doctor. He says it’s a natural healing and it’s slow in my case and they can’t do anything about it. So they ask me to rest for another five months and I shall be going to B’lore after 5 months again for check up.

His case – he is having his physiotherapy done every day. He is in Nepal. He is not able to fold his hand completely but then it’s a matter of some months. I wish he’ll be same as how he was before.

He still loves me the same and so do I.

Mixture of Destiny, Hope and Love

It’s been long since I typed something on my blog. Each time I sit down to type something my mind is clouded by his thoughts. At times small things disturb me so much.

He told he’ll give me my two years back. He’ll make everything possible on earth for me. He is guilty for my condition today. I really can’t say what I think about it. Most of the time I feel he was just an intermediary between me and my destiny. I respected his feelings, I sensed that he too felt my loss when he said “I’ll give you back your two years, just trust me”. A single line and I had so many imaginations. I trust him but then I know it is not possible. Loads of things have changed in these two years. My friends got married; I could not attend her wedding. We had planned a lot for her wedding but never knew it would turn out to be in my absence. Till today she regrets and me too. No one has any say before fate.

How could I get that moment back? Will he make her marry again so that I can attend her wedding when I’ll be perfect? I don’t know on what basis did he made that statement.

My friends have already left Bangalore. They are in different countries in their own life now. How can he get them back to me? It’s too late.

Things like this keeps shading my thoughts. But I trust him. In spite of being pragmatist I feel like believing his confidence, he is reminiscent of an angel. He asks me to make a list of everything I wanted to do, go and other stuff that I am not been able to carry out right now. He tells me to jot down as and how it comes to my mind so that later when I am fine he will accomplish all the awaiting desires. I am not glad that he’ll get me back my days but I’m happy at least he’ll try and he thought about it.

Love Beyond Reasons

He always smiled, with so many troubles in his life. He constantly inspired though he was shattered in his own world. He at all times helps to decide though he himself was in dilemma. He walked always walked just to save money to buy her a rose. He always prayed for her in spite of his messed up life. He never read a novel never in his life, but he bought the love story just to see what caught her mind. He smiles at the children on the street, he knows children always added smile on her lips. He waits for her call to hear her voice, a word that could do magic. . He waits in the platform, his eyes searching the essence between thousands. He never gives up for the reason that he loves her beyond doubt and believes one day she'll return.

Describing my college days

It started with the first class where I was sitting on the corner most seats all by myself. It felt like a foreign world to me. I had always been a simple girl till class 12 a tomboy kind. So I by no means knew how to dress up in fashionable attire. I liked my uniform and was glad I didn’t have to fritter away time on choosing what to were. The panorama in college was like chalk and cheese. Girls with so much make up, and stunning dressing, long ear rings, tight fitting clothes, and giggles in the class till the teacher arrives. A gal was observing me and asked the reason to sit alone. I had no reply to that. She sat next to me and rest of the days moved on with actually no class but introduction of teachers.
Third year of my college were awesome, the most memorable moments of my life. My knew paying guest (pg) was just next to my college. So I just had to wake up brush my teeth fit into a jean with a top and go to college. In the end of second year of my college I got to know this great girl Shally and Fiona. They were like my best friends; I had a different set of friends to hang out with. They were localities and it was tremendous fun to be with them. We used to bunk classes and go to watch movies, eat outside.
During the second year I started partying. It was incredible as I had always been a musical person. I loved the hip hop tracks and later my preference of songs changed to house music. Most of the weekend Shally used to plan up for some party, call me up if I wanted to go and I was always geared up to hit the dance floor.. Many times we landed up paying the entry fees and other times we were lucky to get free entry.
The early party days were careless night with no makeup on. Just an ordinary top (not the girlish type), jeans and our ever rocking “All Star” shoes. Shally used to wear cap which gave the impression of being more appealing and striking.
Coming back to class ... but before that let me give you few details. I and Shally were bunking partners. We belonged to same pg but she stayed in first floor and I was put up in second. She used to give me miss calls when she was done dressing and used to wait for me in ground floor. I used to join her and we used to go to college together. Now here it goes >>> we used to bunk income tax which used to be our first class. Fiona and other girls always helped us with proxy. We were blessed adding to that astounded to see that we had the maximum attendance at the end of the semester in income tax. Lols.
I never did my assignment myself. I always lingered for others to finish with it so that I could copy from others. My whole group did the same. No hard word. Habituated relying on the last day to finish up projects and it was fun. Fiona used to always get us updated with what happened in class. She was like an angel. At times she used to get angry cause of our behaviours and daily routine of bunking but after all she was a friend. She conducted herself more like an elder sister than a friend.
I and Shally once got caught in Raghu sir’s class because we were chit chatting scribbling on our note books. It started from the commencement of his class. Not a word taken down on the subject. We were busy chatting and couldn’t stop laughing at the comments and topic we were writing on the notebook. We wrote and laughed at our own crap. Once we were drawing in different end of the same paper and we were shocked to see we drew same stuff. It was a danger sign. Don’t know how at times we tend to think same and do things similar. Raghu sir who never ever laughs at the end of the class asked us on what topic was he teaching. We had no reply. Shamelessly we put our heads down with no regrets in our heart as we still were thinking of the crap we were chatting about. ( I remember I asked her what did she think G means In G spot and she replied to that .. (trying to be funny).. “Gas Spot”) and I laughed to that for half an hour. It used to be comical to see Raghu sir’s smile once in a blue moon. It was like an ice breaker.
I used to read Cosmo Politian magazine in class, time and again read novel covering it with a course book for the fear of not getting caught. I was the last person to find my own calculator in class. My calci used to be in somebody’s hand when I needed it the most. The class was full of borrower and beggars. With the further division in third year our class had less numbers of students around 50 I guess, it was 108 in first year, still we hardly new half of our class mates.
Last preparation days were fun. I shifted to Shal’s room during exam time. We used to study till morning five, chat for an hour and sleep, wake up at 12 in afternoon, revise once more and go to college at 1:45 with books in our hand till we enter the exam hall at 2. Three hours of head breaking and then cheers. Let’s take a break.. Let’s party!!! In some exams I wondered if I would be able to clear the paper. Happened mostly for accounts and never mind Shally had the same reaction and Fiona always said “I don’t bother about it, it’s over!”
College was fun. Three years were fun. Graduation day- white saree, long ear rings, eye shadows, long heel sandals, a nice hair cut looking beautiful. I learn to look like a girl finally with so many good memories in my heart.

Walking Backward

Remembrance of old times..

If I were the same small baby born, my dad would pick me up and hold me in his hands. I could fit very well in those hands which hungered to hold me. He gazed into my eyes and tried to read my mind, tried to feel what I was feeling, tried to observe what I was going through. When I cried he got hurt too. I could not hide my cries from him as I was a small born baby. He tried his best to cheer me up. Raised me in air and made me face the new world with new difficulties. He would stare into my eyes, pressed me lips with his finger. He would wake up in middle of the night to check if I was fine..

I wish I could be the same baby and dad would have time to all that. Difference now is I am grown up but I guess I’m still the same old dad's gal.

A bad day

I now walk with a broken leg
I think of the dance floor and the movements I made

I am one of the others who don’t know what am I suppose to do with my life.

The day didn’t end well today. I don’t know what the reason was but I was sad today. I was on the dining room with my sister and my dad for dinner. She said something and I couldn’t stop my tears. It’s not in human nature to think before they speak or to see what mood the other person is in. Its nothing serious that a human would cry in that situation but maybe I am over emotional and sentimental after the accident. I try to be strong and try not to show people that I am affected but it’s not happening. I was thinking if people around me hurt me so much then should I turn my back and stay alone so that no one says anything to me and I’m not hurt. At least away from senseless stupid people. I expect a lot from my family. Slowly these expectations are reducing. Ultimately there is no one than oneself. I only need to go through pain that I am supposed to suffer. People could make difference with words but my family members do not have time to observe me, read my mind and ask me how am I feeling. They are busy with other things in life which I feel is less important (may be less important to me but important to them but I don’t understand hope I am not being selfish). After all everyone believes family is the ultimate destination when there is no one. In the end nothing much matters. Friends changes.. They become busy in their life, their life changes and their friendship changes too because of distance and space. Only one or two are left out who are true friends.
Or was I sad today because I turned back to my past again. I know all the days are not same and this phase of the suffering days going to end soon, but when?
It just happened in a very wrong age. Actually there isn’t any right age for such stuff I mean accidents, sufferings from physical pain, mental pain. No one would want these factors to be there in life. But life isn’t just a happy movie.. it got emotions, twists and turns, abrupt endings, moments of togetherness and loneliness, betrayal, love, trust and every other thing which happens in everybody’s life. May be there are some few people who are lucky. Each one of us wishes we could be one of them.

I keep myself busy with some or the other thing but inside I am alone. I am waiting to be back on track with the same life which I left at a point., I can see it’s waiting for me.

Had a bad day today
Hope tomorrow is a better one.

Pictures

A fren of my told me he doesn't even clicks pic or saves pic(picture) cuz he doesn't want to keep memories of anything that might hurt later. We save pics, we see them later. Each pic has a story, a flash back to the time. You might remember the moment for a second think about it, smile and move on to next pic or you might get drifted in the event that happened. Seeing some pics suddenly you remember that it’s been long you haven't been in touch will a fren and you keep the photo aside call up the person instantly and speak ... “Hey you remember ... “ and may be the fren once forgotten becomes the best friend with the frequent contact then after.
I love clicking pics.. Instead I try saving each and every moment of my life. I wish I could save my whole life in a video so that I could jus rewind the best days of my life. My first birthday, my first day in school, my childhood friends, video of my mom cooking my fav food, moment when I met Röhit for the first time, The ball dance, my first day in hostel, college, graduation day, my first proposal, the day I met with accident.. It’s bad but wish I knew how exactly it happen, days in hospital, my parents waiting outside the OPD, my sister being away from me and waiting and praying for my well being.. I wish I’d pics of all this or videos.
Some events are still clear in my mind as I think about it every now and then and some I don't have a clue like the first birthday or first day in my school. In fact my mother is not sure about my birthday. She assumes it to be 4th of February. She had noted in a diary and she lost it ... And I don't know my actual birthday. A women says I was born on 6 as on the same day she had delivered a kid.. Another granny says it should be 9th Feb. as her granddaughter is suppose to be seven days younger to me who celebrates her birthday on 16th Feb. Now seriously it doesn't matter to me as I've been celebrating on 4th Feb. So I consider myself to be a real Aquarian, a sensitive human who is a big time dreamer and who lives in future.

Random Reflections: Everyone has his own road

Random Reflections: Everyone has his own road

I have got this new fanatical idea of learning Adobe Photoshop recently. I tried getting a teacher who could come home and teach me as I am still unable to walk properly on the road.
But it didn’t work out. I asked my sister to help me out with some clips that I got from online tutorial of Photoshop but it was difficult to get her time. Some people are busy doing nothing. She is been one of them.
I found some article of fake Steve on blog. It was little surprising to know how much that person can write on net. I was wondering if he actually contacts real people because most of his idea flows as journals on net.
Recently I have been watching heroes. It’s captivating to see people with super natural power. I always liked watching Spiderman.
I finally got my studies material now am back to studies. In two days I hardly managed to study two pages. It was little tough as I got back to books after a year but I am sure I’ll manage it.