Father's Day For Me and a Sort of Famous Raccoon

The other day I'm reading a "Ranger Rick" magazine to my son. Remember those? That thing has been around since at least the 1980's because I read it as a kid. My mom got my son a subscription to that and Highlights. Remember "Hilights," reading that thing cover-to-cover and finding those hidden pictures while you waited for what seemed like a week in the dentist's office? A lot of thinks are gone from when we were kids, but some are hanging in there. Anyway, for the Father's Day edition, old Rick had a thing about animal dads in the wild that do nice things for their young. I like to think Rick the little raccoon guy on the cover types these articles up himself. Probably has an attractive young badger lady for a secretary that he fools around with when he is working late on an important piece such as the Father's Day edition. And that's kind of sad to him on his ride home back to his wife and kids, the fact that he is writing this Father's Day piece while having an extra marital affair. Maybe that is the night ol' Rick finds baby raccoon Jesus and gets his damn life back on track.

Says he's working late. Again.

In any event, after we read all about a daddy fish that keeping eggs in his mouth, a daddy seahorse keeping eggs in a pouch, and a daddy penguin keeping little penguin eggs warm on his feet (that's the cutest one), a little word bubble says, "What does your dad do for you?" I asked Erik that question and he says, "Oh everything. You talk to me and you play with me . . ." What was really moving about it was that he answered in a manner that suggested he was appalled that I would even have to ask such a thing. So yeah, he made me card which was super cute and all, but he doesn't even know that the best gift was the way he answered that Ranger Rick thing. Poor Rick. I'll pray for him and his family, but not that adulterous Jezebel badger chick. Not her.

Hey, check out Erik Noisewater performing a scene from a movie. Can anyone name it? I think I may say the name of the movie in the video, but still. Let me know what you think about his performance, your favorite kids' periodicals, cheating raccoon husbands, or anything else really in the comments below.

So I'm married with our first baby on the way, but did you guys know that I was married once before? It's true. I was actually married for a whopping 8 months before my wife at the time decided that she should start sleeping with a Chicago Cop. At the time I was totally devastated, but now I would like to thank that man. Not only does he risk his life every day, but he got me out of a horrible marriage. She and I couldn't be more wrong for each other, so he did us both a favor. He did my wife, and he did me a favor.  It's weird because at the time I was so messed up about it that I hated all cops as a result, but now I would shake his hand and thank him from the bottom of my heart. 

But back when that whole thing was going down with the ex, I was an absolute mess. I was losing weight and couldn't sleep. One friend saw me and said I looked like death. Thanks! He was right. I almost laughed, but I couldn't. I'm a man who loves comedy, but nothing could make me laugh at the time. "Da Ali G Show" was new on HBO during that time, and he was the only guy who could get me laughing. This was a major revelation. If I could start laughing again, I could be myself again. Ali G, Bruno, and Borat became my therapists.

The second part of the puzzle was meeting other women, and I couldn't even think about that. I was fixated on my failed marriage and my depression. I moved out of our apartment downtown and back with my parents in the suburbs. My parents are wonderful people, but I was losing my mind and had to get the hell out of there. I would work and sleep all week in the burbs and then pack up a backpack to stay back in Chicago all weekend with friends. I would try to talk to women, but I was not in a good place. They don't want to talk to the sullen brooding guy. When you get dumped and you're young and stupid, you don't think you'll ever meet anyone again. Then one night an amazingly hot Asian Indian chick struck up a conversation with me, and I got her number. I don't think anything tangible came of that, but it gave me the confidence I needed. I remember when I packed up my car with my handful of belongings to move back into the city, I thought to myself that I would meet plenty of women and would be just fine. I remember gazing at the skyline on my drive in, and it was the first time I was really optimistic. My thinking at the time was: This will be a new chapter in your life, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. 

I went out to the burbs yesterday to visit my dad because my mom is out of town for the week, and driving back to the city on the very same highway that I did so many years ago, I saw the skyline and was reminded how I felt that day. Moments like that are why this is my favorite city in the world and why Chicago's skyline has been at the top of this blog for so long. Thanks for listening, friends. Ali G and Associates were relieved of their duties of their duties as therapists in 2005. That role has been filled by you, seven readers. Thanks for listening, and have yourself a super-duper weekend. 

Sorry about that last awful post. I was still a little buzzed up and pissed when I wrote it in the middle of the night. I'm not sure why I put a link to a Kyuss song at the top of it because that really didn't have anything to do with anything.

I had one of those depressing hangovers from all that cheap white wine. So now I'm having a glass of red wine at midnight (a great hangover cure) and just watched a sad and sort of crappy movie called "Weakness" in which a high school teacher's mom dies, his girlfriend bangs the guy fixing his dead mom's roof*, he cares for his autistic little brother, then he starts nailing a former student, loses his job . . . Okay, so now you don't have to watch it. I only rented it because I like the actor, Bobby Cannavale.

It turns out I'm still angered by cheating. When this big Latin stud was laying pipe in this fictional guy's wife, I was just getting pissed as all hell. Next to anything bad ever happening to any of my nephews, which I'll give you a hint - that was the subject of the last post - cheating enrages me the most. Now this movie has me all scared that LSD is fooling around with some idiot from her high school reunion right now. I know she wouldn't do something like that, but nights like this can do weird things to an already weird guy's brain.

I don't know if I ever told any of you this, but I was married once. I'm also unsure if I ever told you that she and I had differing views on marriage: I thought it was a committed relationship when you go through the whole production of a wedding, and she thought she could screw a Chicago cop like 8 months into the thing. I now know that it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but at the time I was a wreck, losing weight, couldn't sleep - that whole bit. The last one breaking up with me also turned out to be a good thing. They were both the wrong type of chick for me. Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP) was talking to LSD and told her, "Wait, you're not a bitch." My good friend, Big Business, told me after the break up with this last one, "Dr. Ken, you need to get away from this brand of woman." Man, was he right, and I finally found the right brand. LSD is funny as hell, beautiful, kind, and loves the shit out of the good doctor. No more adversarial relationships. That shit gives me stomach aches. Shortens my lifespan.

Well, I don't really have a point to this post. It was just sort of a free writing exercise. Hope you are all well. Good night.

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*The worst part about that is not only did he shag his wife, but he f'd him again by not doing a good job fixing the roof - it still leaked.

Pedaling His Way Through a Second Puberty

Floyd Landis*, Tour de France winner, has been accused of taking performance-enhancing drugs. “In his first public appearance since a urine test showing a testosterone imbalance cast his title into doubt, the American said his body's natural metabolism -- not doping of any kind -- caused the result, and that he would soon have the test results to prove it.”

In other words, “I have an ‘abnormally high testosterone ratio’ because I have a steady stream of testosterone pumping through me at all times. I’m ALL MAN! I had chest hair when I was four, my balls dropped when I was 5, and I banged my kindergarten teacher in between snack time and nap time when I was 6!”

This got me thinking about tests for abnormally high levels of estrogen in men. Shouldn’t someone test Chris Carrabba from Dashboard Confessional? I think that Mr. Carrabba has been doping with estrogen for years to churn out puss rock of the worst order, and someone needs to ween him off of the stuff, fast.

I also started thinking about what my “doping” might be in terms of bike riding. Sure, the threat of being late for work gets the pedals moving, but I really think my ipod is the ace up my sleeve. I think if Lance Armstrong and I were racing along Lakeshore drive, myself with Feel Good Hit of the Summer by Queens of the Stone Age bumping and him with anything by Sheryl Crow polluting his ears, I do believe I’d blow by him quicker than he dumped his wife and started dating an aging rock star, despite the fact that his ex stuck with him through nut cancer, and left a good job to help him start his nut cancer foundation.**

*Jesus, look at his face! If a man embodies an overly productive, fully functional testosterone factory it is this guy.
**Perhaps I was a little hard on Lance, and my fact-finding may have been suspect, but I had to get a good analogy for the speed at which I’d kick his ass, given a good series of ipod songs.