I rode a Chicago bus yesterday to get up to the United Center for the Black Sabbath show last night, and somewhere around Milwaukee Avenue an older Mexican American fellow climbed aboard with his shoe shine box. He sat there rubbing his hands and wincing as if his hands were very much cold, in pain, or likely both. A woman seated next to must have noticed this as I did and offered him some gloves. You should have seen the look of surprise and appreciation on his face. It was a very tender moment of generosity to observe.

The glove giving gal was thin, looked to be in her late 40's or early 50's, was wearing a John Lennon type Army coat, had really short blond hair, and she had kind of a "butchy" demeanor, for lack of a better word. Actually, after the fact it dawned on me that she looked and acted a lot like like the actress, Jane Lynch, the boss in 40-Year-Old Virgin and the lesbian dog trainer in Best In Show.

"Hey, sport! Want some gloves?"

Shoe shining guy's English was not great, but that didn't stop glove-giver from telling him a bunch of information. After giving him the big and bulky gloves, she showed him the slimmer ones that she was wearing and said "These are for gun handling," and "These are for handling guns" - in case he didn't hear the first time. She said she was a retired cop and for some reason told a story about her and some other officers arresting a drug dealer. Apparently the dealer shot her partner and during the exchange giant bags of "china white" exploded everywhere and exposure to the drug led to her to being laid up in a hospital for 10 days, regularly hallucinating all through out her stay (which doesn't sound all bad).

(A good time. If you have a lot of free time in your immediate future)

Wow.

What started a nice moment of a woman performing an act of kindness for a random senior citizen quickly escalated into a crazy violent crime adventure story straight out of "Scarface." I did not see that coming at all, but you do have to expect the unexpected when you hop on a Chicago bus.

Be kind to others, readers. And watch out for accidental ingestian of dangerous amounts of "China white," whatever the hell that is. 

I was driving home late tonight from an Oscar party at The Uncle's place, and an odd fellow was crossing the street in front of me.  It is a freezing Chicago night, yet he had on no coat, just a white turtleneck.  He was listening to headphones and looked very, very drunk.  Then he started stretching his arms out and looked as if he was psyching himself up for something big.  Sure enough, he started skipping.  Next he turned a couple of cartwheels!  This guy was on something really good.  By the looks of it, his Oscar party was better than mine. 

Baby, It's Cold in Those Undies

This morning I agreed to run up and down a bunch of hills at the Arboretum, a place where people walk around and look at trees, I guess.  I thought it would be a good idea to run some hills to get ready for the Oakland Marathon, of all places.  Maybe some bullet dodging training should be in order as well.  I have lots of bad ideas.

A couple miles in and I was regretting this decision.  The good news was that slowly the hangover was fading.  The bad news is that as that dissipated, I started to freeze my dick off.  That isn't meant simply as an uncouth figure of speech.  No, I was quite literally freezing my dick off.  I have got in a lot of trouble spending nights trying to get that part of me into some warm (sometimes wet) places over the years, but this was a far more dire situation. 

When that part of your body gets really, really cold, it's hard to concentrate on much of anything else but getting your privates warmed up, but I did think of this: The last time I was shopping for jogging clothes, I didn't buy the running tights to keep my bottom half warm because they were all overpriced, which is strange because the tops in the same material are like a third of the price.  However, when you find yourself in an Arboretum in bitter cold temperatures and in danger of contracting hypothermia of the penis, money is no object.  I will now pay anything they want to protect my little man from the elements.  I swear (looks down to his wang) I will never put you in a spot like that ever again. 

We survived, me and him.  Thanks for reading over the years, everyone.  I know there are a few too many dick jokes and the like around here, but I really do value those of you who have come by over the years to share in my idiotic journey.  Happy holidays, everyone.