Learning To Live

I had a nightmare. I didn't remember it until later today, but something was bothering me all day. I woke up and ate breakfast around 8:30, and then went back to sleep because I was tired, and when I woke up the 2nd time all I remembered was trying to name all of Santa's Reindeer. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. And Rudolf. Is that how you spell it? I don't care. Anyways, this afternoon I was thrown back into the nightmare I had had earlier, and the nightmare is probably what woke me up the first time. It was one of my PTSD nightmares. The scary ones where I am in class and then running and trying to get him fired but no one will listen to me. I'm demanding to speak with my guidance counselor and she's not around or she's on the phone, so I talk to someone else and no one will listen and I'm being chased and I have that horrible feeling. The horrible feeling I can't get away from. I don...

While napping today I had a nightmare. I hate nightmares more than anything. They usually affect me for hours or days after, and prevent me from sleeping. My nightmares are not normal nightmares. I am reliving horrible parts in my life - usually high school - and it's not pretty. I wake up shaking or crying and I just can't stop thinking about it. Today I was dreaming, and the dream started out where a strange person was putting notes under the front door, and by the time I would get to the door the person would be gone. I had to go driving around to try and find this person. It was awful - but the worst part was I was driving around and had to lie about things that happened in high school - someone was making it my fault, and I woke up thinking it was my fault, and that is still bothering me. And now I've found a YouTube video that is so sad. This girl lost her battle with CF at 19... in September 2007. And then I am reminded how precious my life is - I'm almo...

"Its no use, he sees her He starts to shake and cough Just like the old man in That book by Nabokov Dont stand, dont stand so Dont stand so close to me" That song. Over and over and over. Sting sings it again and again and again in my head. I can't get rid of it. Maybe I don't want to. That song. I used to listen to it every day on the way to school. My little brother was in the car and never figured it out. We went to the same school and he never knew how tortured I was - how tortured I still am. The song still tortures me - reminds me of being tortured, but it also empowers me like it used to. That line "Just like the old man in that book by Nabokov." That empowers me because in the book the old bastard dies, and that's all I want. I don't think his death would bring me any peace. I don't think the nightmares would stop. I don't think it would make going back to my hometown easier. The reminders of driving around for hours so n...