Learning To Live

 *I feel so healthy!  *I love this photo from the masquerade ball!  *I feel so healthy!  *I can't believe how good I feel!  *I'm taking about 80% fewer naps!  *I'm quilting again!  *I can shower before I go places - and I still have energy left!  *I feel so good I want to cry.  *It's been so long since I've felt like this - I don't know if I've ever felt this good.  *I'm going to get my place in tip-top shape!  *You should see the organization of my meds.  It ROCKS. The end.  Happy Wednesday!

Here are some thoughts for today: Way to go, Wellsphere, I do not live in California. P.S. How do I fix that now? My best guess? Move to California. Way to go, Charter Communications, for charging me double what my normal payment is - which is way too high in the first place. I'll be calling you later today. Way to go, Chemistry.com for introducing me to some of the worst people on the planet AND charging my credit card without my permission for another 6 months of misery. I'll also be calling you later today. Way to go, Post Office. You suck. A certified letter comes and gets all screwed up. And now I have to go to the post office to pick it up because I happen to not be home when the mail arrives.

I think lots of thinks. And sometimes my thinks get all kinked and then it's hard for me to think. This is one of my favorite montages ever. It was made by the mother of a little girl with CF. The mom is an amazing person. She and I email regularly and I love the advice and hope she gives me, and I only hope that in seeing me still alive at 22 it gives her some hope for her little girl. I may be sick, but the road for Emily hopefully will have fewer bumps. More treatments to lengthen the life of a sweet little girl. I think that if you are conflicted at all about the Great Strides walk or the need to raise money for Cystic Fibrosis Research, just watch this montage and you will see the pain this disease causes. I wish I could do an entire montage to show you how much pain my parents have been through. I wish I had photos of them when I have been in the hospital, when they are arguing with doctors trying to get me the best care. I wish I had a recording of my favorite teache...

sometimes it amuses me how little work i have to do to get someone to offer to sleep with me, and how rarely anyone wants to date me more than a week. i swear i'm really not that big of a bitch. sometimes it amuses me how much i am willing to put into a relationship - how much i am willing to do for the other person. and sometimes it amuses me how little the other person wants to put in. sometimes it amuses me that the other person withholds from getting emotionally involved with me because they expect me to have huge emotional demands, when i really just want someone to hold my hand. sometimes it amuses me how scared people are of my disease. they think i will die tomorrow. i have at least 2 years people - they put you on the transplant list when they think you have about 2 years to live. sometimes it amuses me how close i am to a group of people until i have to do two weeks of ivs. then they think i have fallen off the earth and forget about me. and sometimes, i just want to...

Okay kids, here is what we learned today: * "There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time." -Avenue Q * I need to decide my purpose and then only talk about that when I meet people - I sound like an idiot trying to avoid talking about my CF. * "You can dance if you want to." -Safety Dance * Three ex-boyfriends in one room is never good. If you're there too, it could be hazardous to your health.

Is there a place I could go where I'm in therapy for a week straight? They force me to get out all my issues and work through them in one week, and then I'm better - like, almost normal except for all those psych meds I'm on. I think they need to make a place like that. I think they have one - it's called a mental institution, and I'm not that crazy, yet.

Photos I took on the way home while stuck in traffic. The police were blocking streets with flares... so some cool light things happened. Here is my daily: * I got to talk to Carls, so I was pretty happy. I hope we can actually get our acts together and go to lunch tomorrow. * I realized I am just meant to babysit. No matter how I feel, I can always find the energy to take care of kids. * I want more energy so I can finish organizing my house at a pace that is faster than moving an item or two a week. It's frustrating. * I want to be all the way better. I need to figure out what to do about the back pain. * Overall, I'm not too bad. The steroid I'm on for my sinuses and the hormone shot both mess with my mood - so I'm up and down and all over the place. Mostly down. But being around other people helps me forget that. * I'm completely at a loss about what I should do about my mother. The more I tell people about things that have happened in the past, I reali...

*I'm too sick to care. *My throat hurts. *I am bored. I'm tired. I want to feel better. *I can't watch Dancing with the Stars without crying now. I want to go back to dancing so badly. *I'm done now.

*My dad is a wonderful person. He gets me and knows how to help and why can't he live closer to me??? And why can't my mother live farther away??? *I'm thinking of a family friend who is in critical condition at a hospital in Austin, TX. Her mother is one of the best female role models I had growing up - especially in high school. If you're the praying type, please pray for this family. They are really good people, and I've known them since I was born. *I have a friend who is the coolest chick I know. She oozes coolness, and I'm kinda jealous. Not kinda jealous - really jealous. I was going to write a long essay on this - about how no matter what I do, I just don't FEEL cool enough. I think I picked this complex up in elementary school. *I'm tired. And yes, I'm physically tired, but that's pretty normal. But right now, I'm EXHAUSTED. And it won't go away. I was so happy post-surgery when I was getting shit done and dancing an...

*What's so wrong with the "New Facebook"? I find it just as annoying as the old one - although I spend less time on applications with this format - so I probably waste less time overall. *Shit, I forgot. That's the drugs that just kicked in. Goodnight.

Facebook is funny - I just looked through my 500+ friends (yes I know that is RIDICULOUS, but they are there), and then I looked through all the people that came up for my high school in a search (why, I don't know - I was bored). I noticed oh, like ONE person who had un-friended me and it very nearly bothered me. The fact that someone I hate un-friended me bugs me, though - This guy I'm talking about actually blocked me on Facebook! Can you believe that? Someone would block ME? It's good to know that I'm as big of a pain in his ass as he is in mine. At least I'm not predatory. The fact that my dance partner from last semester un-friended me bugs me. Douche bag. I think it's probably because he's friends with the dick wad who blocked me. Well, as long as Dick Wad calls Douche Bag in the middle of the night when he's suicidal and drunk, I don't care. As long as he no longer calls ME. After searching through all the people who ever went to my ...

Twitter Works!!! But tonight I have too many thoughts to Twitter them all. I still have to try texting to Twitter to see if it works - that's my plan for Italy - to Twitter more things than do big posts. Hopefully I will post a photo a day, though. We'll see. Thinklings: * Why do they let the IV pole for the guy next door beep for an hour, and then when they find him say things like "This is why we have to restrain you at night!" and "We need to clean up all this blood"??? This indicates to me that he pulled out his line and was sitting there bleeding for an hour. Did no one notice that his pole was beeping??? My nurse was here TWICE and his door was open because I could hear the pole beeping!!! What is wrong with this place??? * "He would have been a really good boyfriend had he not been so depressed and had he not been so weird." Said by me about an ex. Ranting with Rachel is the best thing ever. * Let's hope for sleep ;-)

Music is my life. I love to play the piano. I loved the clarinet - still would play it often if it didn't ruin my sinuses. I have listened to music my entire life. I spend my life on my computer, mostly with music playing. I always listen to music in my car - all kinds of music. I was raised with music and I have this strange ability to know all the lyrics to many, many songs. It's a strange, strange talent. That's why shows like, "Don't forget the lyrics" are fun for me. I just know the lyrics. Now here are the things that are running through my head: *my social worker is amazing, and I'm so excited to be on the Patient Advisory Board here at the hospital, because of all the people on the board, I have the most experience with this hospital. I've been coming here since I was three years old. I'm also excited to work with him on the CF quality of life study this summer. Awesome. *how do I deal with jealousy? I want to be happy for Boy and...

* Boys are so silly! Hahahaha. My friend and I are reading "Can this Marriage be Saved" and typing back and forth comments about the articles. I said to her "Boys are soooo silly" and she replied, "That's generous. I still go for 'dumb.'" This is fun for me. * Felicity may be one of the best shows ever made. I'm watching season one, and it's just perfect. I know I loved this show in middle school - but I didn't get the lessons in it until now. It's just great. * Someone suggested this to me: "To cheer yourself up in the hospital (and entertain us who read your blog), you should play a little game and keep the results tallied on your blog. For example, in my CF hospital there are tons of med students/interns. And many of them are nice looking young men. Maybe you could keep count of how many attractive doctors/interns/male nurses/med students you can get to give you a hug while you're there. You know, hone your f...

Some days a nap is more important than a shower. I need a nap. Thanks Sarah for getting me addicted to Grey's. OMG. I have a CF meeting I really want to go to, but I'm so tired and I think I have the stomach flu. We'll see if I make it there.

* Do I really have to dance this week??? Answer: not if they put me in the hospital I don't. * Do I really feel sick in any physical way? Answer: let's wait until tomorrow to answer that. I haven't decided yet. * What would I do in the hospital without Colonel Debugger??? (yes, that's the name I gave to my laptop when it was new. If you're super nerdy, you might get it) * I wish facebook had the power to read minds. Then I would know what's REALLY going on. Then maybe this confusion and bitterness would go away. Just own up, man. * Depression is easiest to fight when I'm around people who distract me from it. I did surprisingly well this weekend. * I think I need to sleep for about three days to get over this exhaustion, however. But it's going to be nice tomorrow. So I'll sleep on the front lawn. * Really boys, do you have to be SO dumb about ALL things???

Yesterday I GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER! Not that it won't fall apart again soon, but I did it! I did the showcase and we were amazing and I had so much fun and I had a brilliant talk with my Sarah Lynn. I stayed awake from NINE THIRTY in the morning until ONE in the morning. CRAZY! Of course I need to crash now for several hours, before more dancing this evening, but that's okay. Yesterday I was able to do my hair and makeup and dance and be social and take lots of pictures and the nagging feeling wasn't there so much. I was focused on the performance. And today I went to brunch. It was good. Not onto the thinklings I have about the past couple days. * I think all these nice things about people, but I never tell them. My new goal is to tell people more of the nice things I think about them because they should know. * Sarah Lynn is my soul mate. We've been friends for about 16 years - that's a LONG time when you are only 21. * Sarah and I were talking about the co...

* I have been awake since NINE THIRTY!!! I ACTUALLY GOT MY ASS OUT OF BED BEFORE 10 AM!!! Holy fucking cow - maybe I WILL beat this depression. I actually woke up and felt that I could get out of bed. That there were blogs to read and blog entries to type and nurses to wait for and piano pieces to practice, and that was enough to get me out of bed. * Showcase today - totally NOT freaking out like I should be because a) I don't care and 2) I don't care. (Mad About You reference with the A and the 2) * So my friend pointed THIS out to me today. Look at comment 112. Yup that's me and I know him. What a great friend :-) *I made the donation box last night, and it turned out pretty fucking cool - and only took me 45 minutes. :-) Which is a short time in Carla's Crafty Land. *How does my toaster KNOW that it's not plugged in? It won't let me push the button down on my frozen waffles if it is not plugged in. My toaster is currently smarter than I am. *My motto...

* I am awake, and I really want to stay awake. ALL DAY. I want to get things done. That's all. Well, I had more things to say, but I forgot.

* I think I have officially run out of interesting things to write about. Either that, or I've lost all motivation to write. * Observation for the evening: How do you get a guy to pay attention to you? Date someone else. Apparently, guys are THAT dumb. * My mother and my dance coach went to high school together - this is sooo traumatizing me. * I caused a couple people a WHOLE lotta trouble by posting those photos on Facebook - let's get a few things straight. 1) They look MUCH worse than ANYTHING that happened 2) All the quotes are from more than 6 hours. 3) I really was sober - ya'll might remember a little incident known as "Carla was drunk for two days?" I really didn't want to repeat that, therefore, I did not drink. That's why we have documentation of what the drunken people said. 4) It was not an orgy. Like Eric said, the only clothing that came off were his socks. 5) It was all in fun to help someone get over a bad breakup. And to the jerk wh...