Learning To Live

I will focus on today. I will focus on this hour. I will focus on this minute. That is how I will survive. Things have gone bad - my PTSD is pretty much out of control, as are my panic attacks. My mother and I had a fun-filled day of criticizing Carla yesterday. Also, she was/is mad because I've never told her everything about the trauma - so she made me talk about it. It's a box I'm supposed to keep closed. I'm trying to sit on the box and zip it shut, but it ain't workin'. I need to keep quotes and advice close in my mind to make it through. "You may have to fight the battle more than once to win it" - Margaret Thatcher That's pretty damn true. But it sucks. I keep reminding myself of what my primary care doc told me, "Everything is useful." And I know someday this will be useful. Someday I might be able to write about it and get my book published. Someday I might be able to talk to young kids and advocate agai...

Me: "I don't want any doctors deciding anything about my medical care!!!" That's right... I was reflecting on past decisions docs have made, and when I got to Dr. Cornwell saying that I would be "fine" without IVs before my sinus surgery, I said that he shouldn't have anything to say about my care... after all, he's only my primary doc.

Sarah Lynn and I were looking through our yearbooks - like we usually do, and I kept coming across photo after photo and saying, "Who is THAT?" Pause. "Oh, it's me." I didn't recognize my own photos in the yearbook - that's a good thing. I look really sick in the yearbook.

"Kirk: Are you ignoring me? Miss Patty: Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk." -Gilmore Girls "Lorelai: Michel - the phone! Michel: Yes. It rings. Lorelai: Can you answer it? Michel: No. People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them." - Gilmore Girls "I'm dating and it comes with snacks!" - Grey's "I know you think you're scary and damaged and it makes you feel like you don't deserve good things, but you do." - Grey's "Nurse: Do you have any medical conditions? Bartlet: Well, I've been shot." - The West Wing From my favorite episode of West Wing EVER: " Leo: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of the White House, had a two-ton block of cheese. Josh: And a Wheat Thin the size of Lake Tahoe." - The West Wing "Lorelai: I'm going to go make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken. Rory: That's going on your tombstone." - Gilmore Girls This is a favorite...